tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30150940744674857972024-02-18T19:29:51.888-08:00The Boy Who Changed EVERYTHINGMaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comBlogger187125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-14491779476521143472015-07-27T00:25:00.000-07:002015-07-27T09:03:02.670-07:00Remembering Bradley - His 4th Birthday <div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Four years ago, we were expecting our fourth child.
Everything was set for him to come into our lives. We had three children
between the ages of 8 and 2. Two girls and one boy. When we found out the
midwife was suspecting a boy, we were so over joyed at our “perfect life” that
was falling into place. We had been sealed in the temple. We were active at
church. We both had callings and knew the lord loved us and we felt like we had
earned this perfect life that we had built together. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifPuRNar5mrJk3Z9ZtmBoD_5xoDwGPFz9iKP8RrB9OrCXafM67IjQ5h8rS2pAHG_Nmpqp7J5NU0_o9UwD2EeY7blt6HgxMMAPSo-enyQrUBXsR2ixRzhqY3kNJjoL9_NEGpKVXaDMuNSw/s1600/brads4th.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifPuRNar5mrJk3Z9ZtmBoD_5xoDwGPFz9iKP8RrB9OrCXafM67IjQ5h8rS2pAHG_Nmpqp7J5NU0_o9UwD2EeY7blt6HgxMMAPSo-enyQrUBXsR2ixRzhqY3kNJjoL9_NEGpKVXaDMuNSw/s640/brads4th.jpg" width="528" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the early morning on July 20<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup>, 2011, Bradley
was born. Our son had arrived and he completed the perfect picture we had been
painting. But as soon as I saw his tiny, weak body,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew his life would not be as long or as
healthy as my other children’s lives. He weighed in, full term, at only 4lbs 8 oz.
The midwife looked him over and said he looked small but she could not see any
defects she could clinically recognize. She made sure we were stable and
instructed us to make sure he ate and to see the pediatrician within a 24 hour
period. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiILn3qAEcxXiGRw94IWZAxzLO4YnzkJYhYVoD06c68Pg6ET42HD0jm9EO1Fna1Ein-T4iBZs9H8g4eYy9m9G44jasETqmUXkRehqcULhxsdoW3Lzttse9vLtESAW-6pl8AJ3KhAQFPCiA/s1600/brads4th2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiILn3qAEcxXiGRw94IWZAxzLO4YnzkJYhYVoD06c68Pg6ET42HD0jm9EO1Fna1Ein-T4iBZs9H8g4eYy9m9G44jasETqmUXkRehqcULhxsdoW3Lzttse9vLtESAW-6pl8AJ3KhAQFPCiA/s640/brads4th2.jpg" width="630" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Off to the pediatricians we took our tiny, frail son. The
pediatrician said he looked very weak and said he should go to the NICU. As we
turned our son over to the hospital, he was admitted into the ICU and quickly
his health began to decline. Doctors were unsure of his condition but in a
rushed surgery they saved his life with a central line. The central line
ensured their ability to test him for his aliments. And they discover a thyroid
issue that was causing his inability to thrive. They put him on some thyroid
medication and ran some more tests and soon discovered his brain was having
seizures and that was causing him feeding issues and developmental delay. After
eight long first weeks of life he was released from the hospital, because his health was stable enough to go home.
We were told the prognosis was unsure. His development would be the test that
would tell us if he would live or not.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Time passed. He started rolling. But he never could hold up
his head. He verbalized. He cooed. We loved his sweet spirit in our home. Light
surrounded our special son who was surely a gift from heaven. The work it took
to keep him healthy, was something I had never experienced. Medications around
the clock. Feeding tubes. Transferring his weak, yet growing body, to daily
doctor appointments and therapies. And then at 8 months old the seizures reared
their ugly head and he suffered with more than 20 seizures a day. Seizure
medications were adjusted to keep them at bay; but they never went away. He was
left in a near vegetative state most of the day. Unable to breath, oxygen was
added to his routine to keep him alive and living more comfortably. His
development stopped. He regressed in his milestones.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElqEUEPGLo_j9RU6ESOxiM7pgJB4RRh_5h8rGVU3gWKYXivgQwqssABm3MURE9-Vi8laIsPYPnpGmV3V_4Cv7UVt1Xoqwi6JbaZPihPjMwxUivDTymxDhA5eMucfZcJGZn7Hjn_OK4Mg/s1600/brads4th3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElqEUEPGLo_j9RU6ESOxiM7pgJB4RRh_5h8rGVU3gWKYXivgQwqssABm3MURE9-Vi8laIsPYPnpGmV3V_4Cv7UVt1Xoqwi6JbaZPihPjMwxUivDTymxDhA5eMucfZcJGZn7Hjn_OK4Mg/s640/brads4th3.jpg" width="458" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All the while my other children continued to grow and need
me too. To say I was tired was an understatement. And when Bradley turned 18
months old, when he started nursery, he was also admitted into hospice care.
End of life care for a tiny child. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzRnDy0kmT8R-HOwcCBkl1zcKeajpfiQIvEiwSQEdoG52O_HmJXgoBk2G9T1h7uhH9DLmJbAwXQMr6ZSxZJqwAELYEAD4Nhgy2jPC0jveW5V7Nv7tJk01clbyExbrZHJJBv9w-qFcttA/s1600/brads4th6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzRnDy0kmT8R-HOwcCBkl1zcKeajpfiQIvEiwSQEdoG52O_HmJXgoBk2G9T1h7uhH9DLmJbAwXQMr6ZSxZJqwAELYEAD4Nhgy2jPC0jveW5V7Nv7tJk01clbyExbrZHJJBv9w-qFcttA/s640/brads4th6.jpg" width="452" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtvJGU0TLoQdqjzPBJZk7hlP_5H4m955mThUp0fuWW2Tr47LN2MkHL0XzRQgC7YQUXG9DMvxRkDyuAVlS1f_BFu2Izan_nMCf6s7OOUcmzXeNffvVM10rhTbNuCOsMLUofOoczOpJCXOY/s1600/brads4th7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtvJGU0TLoQdqjzPBJZk7hlP_5H4m955mThUp0fuWW2Tr47LN2MkHL0XzRQgC7YQUXG9DMvxRkDyuAVlS1f_BFu2Izan_nMCf6s7OOUcmzXeNffvVM10rhTbNuCOsMLUofOoczOpJCXOY/s640/brads4th7.jpg" width="360" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And the doctors came to our home and added morphine to his routine to
keep him comfortable while he was passing into the next life. And for 9 months
I held him while he died. The poor lifeless child that no doctor could save. He
had a degenerative brain disease and the brain could not be fixed. <br />
<br />
And one day on September 7th, 2013, he did finally pass and become the angel that I knew he would
be the first time I held him. And I buried his tiny body, in a tiny box, in a tiny
grave. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Since that time there have been sad and dark days for sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">But </span>sometimes I still do feel
joy. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everything I miss
and will miss about having Bradley here on earth with us, will come back to us
tenfold because of the atonement. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s not something I completely understand.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Some days it’s hard to understand it because of my grief; but just by saying it
and bearing testimony to you now, I know it is true that not one hair will be
lost. That ALL will be restored to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We did everything right. We made all the preparations to be
with him again someday. And now I work daily to keep those covenants so that I
can have him again. He keeps me going. The thought of being with my son
again, keeps me going. I am so blessed to have held him for a long as I did.
He truly is my angel, who I know so personally, and who can and is, guiding me
home. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYHFiUzLEm4ViF-5rsZptFoNEtMnwAPk1DV4yxFAUTUl_x3yhwQQpbBditqPM_J38qBbO4uqqmdMZupP9KwFnMsYBq2iTDjk9m93u4dwJnaqpwB137Cww8FKISG9JXgzCAGki93U7mrI/s1600/brads4th8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYHFiUzLEm4ViF-5rsZptFoNEtMnwAPk1DV4yxFAUTUl_x3yhwQQpbBditqPM_J38qBbO4uqqmdMZupP9KwFnMsYBq2iTDjk9m93u4dwJnaqpwB137Cww8FKISG9JXgzCAGki93U7mrI/s640/brads4th8.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-799157038819953932014-12-18T19:32:00.001-08:002014-12-19T10:06:34.879-08:00Bradley's Christmas Bears<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
A few weeks ago, I had a dream.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And in the dream a voice asked me if I could make stuffed bears from</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Bradley's Clothes for the kids for Christmas.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I got very excited when they asked. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I told them, I knew that I could. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I can make anything out of anything. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I woke up and searched the internet for a pattern.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I pulled down Bradley's bucket of clothes </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and Tom asked what I was doing.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I told Tom the idea.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And Tom confirmed that would be a meaningful gift for the kids. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Today I finished the bears. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And the last one was the hardest. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I smelled the shirt again and again.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I thought about all the times when Bradley wore that shirt. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
In our last family picture.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
How little and big he was in that tiny shirt. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And as I cut the pieces apart,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I suddenly didn't want to do it.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But I heard a voice say to me, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
"Make something useful from my clothes. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Don't let them just sit in that box. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The kids will love these bears."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxzdYwUCVCz-xo3zKFp-TQ2TVtZ9RGcwKHIEtLu4rSFQjRyjtNai7HnWH5LS3ifDxdsqfQ87tyeLXHOKkr5QlmMn4JMznCt6LBBzxflZ24s-LvQp7TYm4VdYEI0PZ8IsLInW5r52Xb6rU/s1600/bradleybearshirt2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxzdYwUCVCz-xo3zKFp-TQ2TVtZ9RGcwKHIEtLu4rSFQjRyjtNai7HnWH5LS3ifDxdsqfQ87tyeLXHOKkr5QlmMn4JMznCt6LBBzxflZ24s-LvQp7TYm4VdYEI0PZ8IsLInW5r52Xb6rU/s1600/bradleybearshirt2.jpg" height="640" width="630"></a></div>
<br>
<br>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4MoXUGtVrFs3wUX6FmgrZoeAMFOTFjO1wbT3yrPZa_PixkATDeYjzMuAkevmD3w9JsUgCK7FmlfyATWRVaZCkELW6UNhKv2kVf5vvPn-Uu7TgYklg8pPjbvjhj7tr_BVbk_UhIYCpsM0/s1600/_3004923.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4MoXUGtVrFs3wUX6FmgrZoeAMFOTFjO1wbT3yrPZa_PixkATDeYjzMuAkevmD3w9JsUgCK7FmlfyATWRVaZCkELW6UNhKv2kVf5vvPn-Uu7TgYklg8pPjbvjhj7tr_BVbk_UhIYCpsM0/s1600/_3004923.jpg" height="424" width="640"></a></div>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFwlHXClHpWDcgoUVG6KRDWl4-Ifkz6tadiZ6QpAwwGZu9BboibfVMHb1ojG7_uw8wgbocZZ1Yk9Ciu7NE4aUieRfdyzBklM2RDZgswMsXG_tUVWSsjhjGk-TKhSq1nmU-URnvqBgH9zI/s1600/bradleybearshort1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFwlHXClHpWDcgoUVG6KRDWl4-Ifkz6tadiZ6QpAwwGZu9BboibfVMHb1ojG7_uw8wgbocZZ1Yk9Ciu7NE4aUieRfdyzBklM2RDZgswMsXG_tUVWSsjhjGk-TKhSq1nmU-URnvqBgH9zI/s1600/bradleybearshort1.jpg" height="630" width="640"></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilfbybI7PaoYAff-FbYFQSiBwxepHf4I1NO5FkiluCIchOMfJkY4fD4L66ytGwPIvVrzy7Dgvyzp-EOvKB7CNU9DSy55RcCxm_60Vv8bDwuX3s2K5pqTkfWDJREmJ0l84qmMn42FQ3Fpc/s1600/bradleybears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilfbybI7PaoYAff-FbYFQSiBwxepHf4I1NO5FkiluCIchOMfJkY4fD4L66ytGwPIvVrzy7Dgvyzp-EOvKB7CNU9DSy55RcCxm_60Vv8bDwuX3s2K5pqTkfWDJREmJ0l84qmMn42FQ3Fpc/s1600/bradleybears.jpg" height="640" width="480"></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I've realized that I heard Bradley's voice in that dream and today in my craft room. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I didn't recognize it because, </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I've not heard it much.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">His voice sounds like a cross between Tom's voice and God's voice. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I have hope that my biggest dream will come true someday.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">That I will see my big, strong boy. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And hear his voice again and again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And he and I will laugh and talk for hours. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And I will hug him and he will be able to hug me back. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And we will finally be able to take a complete family picture again. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And every hole will be filled. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMqUVv0C5ViLnplZii1XwZw2K-1bgkPs1VagH9NRChnv8d-lW6qtJWGS3aM-CXSi2RVfi-elO7JCcosD6s-tZ2D1Mi59H0ySCU87mxzLRCRoZZOjvcQY9Lclz3mqSbEBicW0bhY8emug/s1600/bradleybearshirt2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMqUVv0C5ViLnplZii1XwZw2K-1bgkPs1VagH9NRChnv8d-lW6qtJWGS3aM-CXSi2RVfi-elO7JCcosD6s-tZ2D1Mi59H0ySCU87mxzLRCRoZZOjvcQY9Lclz3mqSbEBicW0bhY8emug/s1600/bradleybearshirt2.jpg" height="426" width="640"></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<br>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-65403334645011631792014-07-27T19:22:00.003-07:002014-07-27T19:32:02.393-07:00A Mansion in Paradise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Bradley's spirit permeated our home when he was here.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Peace and calm. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Spirit and direction.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Promptings and help.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It has felt like chaos some days without him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Some days I'm numb so that I can function.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Some days I'm sad and I do not function.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikUKBuoNVM6x6ctHeOI_vUG7SCg-qFO-FFhEKXPzoB7SrUSwo8v8eeMJ_A3Q3ExDFrh0nkGLL9BkzdAyFTcwPdbziWsmEPydt159ji_j9TaVHVS3DGXnHQu1ngS90XgWKuPcu_1PyV6gA/s1600/bradley's3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikUKBuoNVM6x6ctHeOI_vUG7SCg-qFO-FFhEKXPzoB7SrUSwo8v8eeMJ_A3Q3ExDFrh0nkGLL9BkzdAyFTcwPdbziWsmEPydt159ji_j9TaVHVS3DGXnHQu1ngS90XgWKuPcu_1PyV6gA/s1600/bradley's3.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
His third birthday came last weekend. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The grief came in hard waves all weekend long.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And no matter what we did, I had a hard time functioning and wanted to stay in bed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfLtEL5T30JRZ5vCGRKX9Fryfqzd5mJjD7ak9NbQgSGTfQi2EmH05UZvaPuuLtXXrA1azQwHTBvmL8oW9ffb3YO755MbObuPreQ39odwccAOGnjbCOct4qqC4sQCVuAd7IpsJ8RfFQzsE/s1600/bradley3-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfLtEL5T30JRZ5vCGRKX9Fryfqzd5mJjD7ak9NbQgSGTfQi2EmH05UZvaPuuLtXXrA1azQwHTBvmL8oW9ffb3YO755MbObuPreQ39odwccAOGnjbCOct4qqC4sQCVuAd7IpsJ8RfFQzsE/s1600/bradley3-5.jpg" height="476" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But that didn't stop the party. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I <em>love</em> parties!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And Bradley sent me a party theme. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We had a paradise-party. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It reminded us all that he was safe in paradise.<br />
We wore leis, sipped from island straws, ate cotton candy and set off orange balloons at his grave.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpCEc9qFy0DIFsZ93rn6gUI8Eytlk36NOWKE0ozNJWBnOGIIg0xZaDRwk6Y2qozUc1C8JtIkXh0LISO5jf1lrGhu8jyVTpHOo4mspD-D1exR2LIWVrMQrp2j7rwcjQwCtX4tS_Q-fEVjQ/s1600/Bradley's3-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpCEc9qFy0DIFsZ93rn6gUI8Eytlk36NOWKE0ozNJWBnOGIIg0xZaDRwk6Y2qozUc1C8JtIkXh0LISO5jf1lrGhu8jyVTpHOo4mspD-D1exR2LIWVrMQrp2j7rwcjQwCtX4tS_Q-fEVjQ/s1600/Bradley's3-2.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
On Tuesday morning I reflected on what birthday gifts he was given in heaven.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wish I could have sent him packages full of toys and candies.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But as I thought about it, I saw my Son sitting in his mansion in heaven. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Looking at his amazing view as he soaked up the sun by his pool.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Maybe he played a round of tennis in his courts with his friends,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
before he jumped in his gorgeous pool.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaTF5ceGOmUtlgMLsAt445EXU0tHfPqo3bfU8OfTSent8bNesYj8U2GAJ5i37FYeo0QcqhxcmVKWpDHpZCMFa26LdLIcHhOsvPqvnczdZnDceXqcKDAUKmSuR2qDTtlJx7fqcrafN9xKM/s1600/bradley3-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaTF5ceGOmUtlgMLsAt445EXU0tHfPqo3bfU8OfTSent8bNesYj8U2GAJ5i37FYeo0QcqhxcmVKWpDHpZCMFa26LdLIcHhOsvPqvnczdZnDceXqcKDAUKmSuR2qDTtlJx7fqcrafN9xKM/s1600/bradley3-4.jpg" height="476" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We toured some model homes last week; just for fun. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
(We are NOT moving!)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And we toured a beautiful house that I cannot stop thinking about. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The theme of orange and butterflies was all through the décor.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I kept hoping it was a sign that we should purchase the house.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The house had an amazing view of the strip and was SO perfect for me!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But I realized that beautiful home was a sign from Bradley that he has a mansion in Heaven.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Better than the orange butterfly house on Horizon Ridge. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Way more grand. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Far more beautiful and expensive.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCTD3o9wEOB_yEq9pMdNGgXFCuj3wP4h7KDKwHoz85O1Ha0gVZr2un22ZKp4SCvXK08cKMWcWddMIOhDN2v40kkmbbic1Qj-vL3uzm-amMLzNG-4ACPQ9kDTmGokoXLpeIMmvhBH9fAyU/s1600/bradley's3-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCTD3o9wEOB_yEq9pMdNGgXFCuj3wP4h7KDKwHoz85O1Ha0gVZr2un22ZKp4SCvXK08cKMWcWddMIOhDN2v40kkmbbic1Qj-vL3uzm-amMLzNG-4ACPQ9kDTmGokoXLpeIMmvhBH9fAyU/s1600/bradley's3-3.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Bradley sent me a glimpse of his 3rd birthday gift to give me some hope.</div>
<div align="center">
To let me know he is safe in his heavenly home</div>
<div align="center">
was the best thing he could have sent me for his Birthday.</div>
<div align="center">
I am surprised how he continues to send me perfect messages from heaven.</div>
<div align="center">
The signs continue to come, and he continues to help me look up to the heavens with hope.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-49885211440688110492014-07-09T23:17:00.000-07:002014-07-10T08:34:45.354-07:00What If<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I've been told that I'm not supposed to say, "What if..."</div>
I'm not supposed to imagine if things had gone another way.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
What is wrong with wondering if destiny had been different?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEfZb_ldL1I0kQ-n4p4QbnHe8hdJ6mbdGPD6yqHHhz0CEUEM1gwQ5zUI830zjAZEznJjDfHmjYyn4kArlSUFw4OWhfgw9yzYSbJs_ea0xOx0vSXgi4h_8S3MEhQ-siSywRywC0CZqX1a8/s1600/055.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEfZb_ldL1I0kQ-n4p4QbnHe8hdJ6mbdGPD6yqHHhz0CEUEM1gwQ5zUI830zjAZEznJjDfHmjYyn4kArlSUFw4OWhfgw9yzYSbJs_ea0xOx0vSXgi4h_8S3MEhQ-siSywRywC0CZqX1a8/s1600/055.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tonight I want to go over the what-ifs.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Because next Sunday is Bradley's third birthday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Because every time I get on facebook, his peers are celebrating their third birthdays, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
saying adorable things, and being potty trained with m&ms. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And my three year old is missing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmQ2reiiRMg17CWn-GP7_fL2m2J6uYWfGWSL9dgt5T4YWa2SLengaUnRcqzWbIKTRM7im-A4g4Lyh6kZ1HBaE109rhLk3uuPJXgEz_ai9qluJnwqmwHbMAL0bPs_HgCwF-Wnx7L-iszJk/s1600/343.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmQ2reiiRMg17CWn-GP7_fL2m2J6uYWfGWSL9dgt5T4YWa2SLengaUnRcqzWbIKTRM7im-A4g4Lyh6kZ1HBaE109rhLk3uuPJXgEz_ai9qluJnwqmwHbMAL0bPs_HgCwF-Wnx7L-iszJk/s1600/343.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So I'm going to play the what-ifs tonight. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I need to. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Because even though the what-ifs are sad, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
they also help me imagine him again.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And to some degree they heal me.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
IF Bradley had been born typical;</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
His birthday would have been July 4th. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I had planned it that way. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I know he would have come that night in 2011.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And on the 4th, this year, I wouldn't have watched the fireworks feeling numb.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I would have had his third birthday party instead. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He would have blown out his candles at the counter, surrounded by his cousins.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He would have stolen his baby cousin's binkis.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And he would have said the adorable things that 3 year old boys say.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I would have changed his accident pants</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
hoping that one day he would finally be completely potty trained!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And he may have kept me up that night telling me the firework sounds were scaring him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I imagine he would have eventually fallen asleep between Tom and I.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I could have held his chubby feet, while he slept.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And listed to him breath, and not gasp for air.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But calmly breath. In and out. Peacefully dreaming.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXTdPWw6XRcJ1dyRiorqRqr2y4Ck4WeW7Fho3yd_hJ8o6zhamvL47PhodDd2nLcw7eck_pFs-cQXcKNyfRKXVnfNie51ZBSPwyfa17yyhyaUI4R3Z5WzAtjgmnG7sp1vx69ULc2vMeOo8/s1600/040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXTdPWw6XRcJ1dyRiorqRqr2y4Ck4WeW7Fho3yd_hJ8o6zhamvL47PhodDd2nLcw7eck_pFs-cQXcKNyfRKXVnfNie51ZBSPwyfa17yyhyaUI4R3Z5WzAtjgmnG7sp1vx69ULc2vMeOo8/s1600/040.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And the next morning he would have come down the stairs with messy hair and his belly showing. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And Jacob and Bradley would have jumped on the trampoline all day with the hose running.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I would have made him a bowl of goldfish and grapes for lunch.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And he would have scraped his knees and asked for bandaids with tears in his eyes.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjla_IZEqGfWSb0Die_q4KWo22JJV0E98TvcW4rkBomFevM9bZvn2Fh5JfNQaxL8CRvBt4ZmxhjiNN0SnD0HVfbCjPV0oYLKcECRlF-23FcaTu4FiaR_4zSXRQLKI2P8KDX2MLzgfgQFz0/s1600/016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjla_IZEqGfWSb0Die_q4KWo22JJV0E98TvcW4rkBomFevM9bZvn2Fh5JfNQaxL8CRvBt4ZmxhjiNN0SnD0HVfbCjPV0oYLKcECRlF-23FcaTu4FiaR_4zSXRQLKI2P8KDX2MLzgfgQFz0/s1600/016.JPG" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But my reality has been what has happened instead.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's very bitter to think about sometimes. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I miss him every second of every day.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I long for the day when I will see him whole. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMwKT6T7dJ_v-IRb6WYVRImqHUn9Eh6w0sYE9zKFUvhuXZdeRK_tTrRzT8U0wZMuD2HNdvGpPlejwlZlp8i3wol-JpU4gCqujcrwtzzpM6XUcZDPovNj91WzN8EWAHURLEm4J_fb030w/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMwKT6T7dJ_v-IRb6WYVRImqHUn9Eh6w0sYE9zKFUvhuXZdeRK_tTrRzT8U0wZMuD2HNdvGpPlejwlZlp8i3wol-JpU4gCqujcrwtzzpM6XUcZDPovNj91WzN8EWAHURLEm4J_fb030w/s1600/003.JPG" height="422" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But because he came the way he did,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
sunsets will <em>never</em> be the same. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I receive pictures of orange skies all the time. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
All. The. Time. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I love every single sunset I get.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Even the ones I don't see in person.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And sometimes I am okay with the destiny I got.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He could not have come any other way.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It would not have been Bradley.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It would have been someone else. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I would never trade those hard 2 years of Bradley for a life time of a "normal" kid</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
That would mean I wouldn't have Bradley still.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And he is the one I want most desperately.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I cannot wait to see him again when my destiny is finally fulfilled and all is restored. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-20898292524078458522014-06-01T22:15:00.000-07:002014-06-01T22:18:27.827-07:00The White Rose<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
My children have accomplished so much this school year.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So did my baby boy. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He made it into heaven. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoOq0sEGOgFuQnh4WV_ToAXO2_JcEfMnQ_CBpjrOrk_y9IP-nrnXSeGs5doK-BBBJCnT_VHA8I-RRuI9UhXvCRC7Y433BsTRLUnf9EL3xXUoz-Fdc5llTQF0hYjnrRROA6apivp5q99Bk/s1600/069.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoOq0sEGOgFuQnh4WV_ToAXO2_JcEfMnQ_CBpjrOrk_y9IP-nrnXSeGs5doK-BBBJCnT_VHA8I-RRuI9UhXvCRC7Y433BsTRLUnf9EL3xXUoz-Fdc5llTQF0hYjnrRROA6apivp5q99Bk/s1600/069.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sweet memories are all I have of Bradley. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was the most innocent child one could imagine.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB1Tzr29N7vwmZ4kN6jWUbPqarocvUGWoasY3dc6OnjInhYAVRfJYISqasMOqAWePOK6tmbbw2CAvnESjD4t_QRGJrTC-HdenHsibwuj9LZYu-o1eddbiFhNRnM3qwrN2wYmOxPspms6o/s1600/021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB1Tzr29N7vwmZ4kN6jWUbPqarocvUGWoasY3dc6OnjInhYAVRfJYISqasMOqAWePOK6tmbbw2CAvnESjD4t_QRGJrTC-HdenHsibwuj9LZYu-o1eddbiFhNRnM3qwrN2wYmOxPspms6o/s1600/021.JPG" height="422" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
This picture makes me laugh. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIGc7rjCmtIyzEQa3w-dKXMKUNphhGTLAoaVwTD94pD2Gc5h4JgsOdWRXupcRJjHS-ly9Nd01-84NC9cOUug0xIJG73KaF_MCjfRcF6wE7zdxAx9AONUfPnultfpRaAS-YqbS6MGNCiaI/s1600/546.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIGc7rjCmtIyzEQa3w-dKXMKUNphhGTLAoaVwTD94pD2Gc5h4JgsOdWRXupcRJjHS-ly9Nd01-84NC9cOUug0xIJG73KaF_MCjfRcF6wE7zdxAx9AONUfPnultfpRaAS-YqbS6MGNCiaI/s1600/546.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And this one makes me miss his afternoon naps in my arms.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
After Bradley passed my Mom's coworkers gave us a gardenia tree. <br />
Today I was outside thinking about what to do with the back yard </div>
<div align="center">
and I noticed a large, white, full bloom on the tree. </div>
<div align="center">
The first one.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
The smell was amazing and reminded me of the sweet smell of Bradley's head.</div>
<div align="center">
I had the kids come and smell the flower. </div>
<div align="center">
And I noticed many more buds on the tree as well.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Bradley was so white and so pure. </div>
<div align="center">
White became a recurring theme in his life. </div>
<div align="center">
I suddenly became a fan of the color after his birth.</div>
<div align="center">
And now his white blooms are filling the air with his fragrance in my back yard.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And I want to tell you something else;</div>
<div align="center">
something that gives me comfort and makes me know he is an eternal being.</div>
<div align="center">
He and I <em>still</em> communicate!</div>
<div align="center">
Not the way we used to.</div>
<div align="center">
No more kissing or roars or hugs.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
We send each other secret messages!</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
(I know that probably sounds crazy to the masses)</div>
<div align="center">
But I know he and I still have a very alive dialogue.</div>
<div align="center">
I leave little reminders of him every chance I get.</div>
<div align="center">
And he sends me sunsets and flowers and sky-scapes, </div>
<div align="center">
and other things too precious to mention.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And I'm keeping those things tucked in my heart.</div>
<div align="center">
And I carry my secret child with me always. </div>
<div align="center">
And no one can tell he's with me, but he is. </div>
<div align="center">
Always.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
This poem was shared with me shortly after Bradley passed.</div>
<div align="center">
It's a special one.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0"></span></span></span> </div>
<div align="center">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0"></span></span></span> </div>
<div align="center">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">The White Rose </span><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$1:0" /><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$3:0" /><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$4:0">All the earth's mothers were gathered together at God's Garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits who would someday come to earth were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the Mothers, "See the works of my hands. Someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits." The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors. "Choose ye", he said. </span><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$5:0" /><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$7:0" /><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$8:0">Now in the east corner of the garden, pure White Roses stood as sentinals. They were not as colorful as the rest, but they glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. one by one the mothers stepped forward. "I want the blue eyed, curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion." Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love, who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their speical spirits. Those whom they would soon welcome into the love and warmth of an earthly home.</span><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$9:0" /><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$11:0" /><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$12:0">Once again the loving Father spoke. "But who will take the White Roses? The ones in the East corner of my garden. These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my garden. For they belong to me. They will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I shall personally care for them." </span><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$13:0" /><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$15:0" /><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$16:0">"No, not I." many said in unison. "I couldn't bear to give one back so soon", "Nor I.", said others. "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives." The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in his eyes for someone to step forward and speak, Silence! </span><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$17:0" /><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$19:0" /><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$20:0">Then he said, "See the most pure and perfect of the white ones? I have chosen Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked, and crucified. He is mine own. Will not any one choose like unto him?" A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord I will." Then another, "Yes we will Lord." Soon all the pure White Roses were chosen and they rejoiced with their mothers. The Father spoke again, "Oh, blessed are ye who chose the White Roses. For your pain will be a heavy cross to bear. But your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can understand at this time." The White ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love, that it filled the mothers souls with such endearment that each knew she could endure the task. </span><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$21:0" /><br data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$23:0" /><span data-reactid=".s.1:3:1:$comment508182389264210_3367886:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$24:0">And the greatest of the White ones gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming them as He prepared them for their task. And each mother who bore the weight of a White Rose felt the overwhelming love of God, as they all shouted, "Thy will be done." </span></span></span> </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-19294399240400624052014-05-04T20:09:00.002-07:002014-05-04T20:13:08.722-07:00This is Not the End<div style="text-align: center;">
The world will tell you that grief will never go away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That grief is hard and impossible.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That relief from the grief is not possible.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And for a little bit I believed that.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I thought that I would never feel healed. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And sometimes I can return to that fearful place where the adversary seeks to drag me down.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But recently I realized there is a balm because healing IS possible. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And healing can happen.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I can feel relief. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I can have hope.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIP85xpGBPBJG8tu0Ol1KABUewrCUiwnqqAgF0m-mJALLY5DyDX_eP6Rd-MWpsY4YHHnXH_enYkyXBmkdmCFdrojDJszhcF5vytgcDGUfPiObeOL67iBw2Dem9t_xXrMRjq5VNfZJd3hc/s1600/family2009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIP85xpGBPBJG8tu0Ol1KABUewrCUiwnqqAgF0m-mJALLY5DyDX_eP6Rd-MWpsY4YHHnXH_enYkyXBmkdmCFdrojDJszhcF5vytgcDGUfPiObeOL67iBw2Dem9t_xXrMRjq5VNfZJd3hc/s1600/family2009.jpg" height="640" width="468" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And so much happened between these two pictures.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So much changed in our family.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And the change was eternal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigeZ055pW64jw3UpyhB1IfvjcEdsECPxGlH-0zuzrVhkkXyL94L1Fmj5lSNIjumj3PiKKOs069_LVFD1lQ3JrmYYySEx_I9WBQF026NeTM9hdGMmmEIIdoWM-UY2sd0DatLuqF4XTDLVk/s1600/familyeaster2014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigeZ055pW64jw3UpyhB1IfvjcEdsECPxGlH-0zuzrVhkkXyL94L1Fmj5lSNIjumj3PiKKOs069_LVFD1lQ3JrmYYySEx_I9WBQF026NeTM9hdGMmmEIIdoWM-UY2sd0DatLuqF4XTDLVk/s1600/familyeaster2014.jpg" height="640" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This is not the end.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And Bradley is still here with us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And his mission in heaven is to pull us towards it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ZN0zDq-lmAfXQp-Et5lNAQ_DIbTpidu23E2WnG19tK_l2RPEr2XjJoqfCSgo8JXtFrsvGkh29T3b5jwSYmwnuI-WPpMJn5dKKqbgrNqHQ6uzXxGVFoI2hTrpBbbdD4DNvW8bC4iejrM/s1600/familybradsky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ZN0zDq-lmAfXQp-Et5lNAQ_DIbTpidu23E2WnG19tK_l2RPEr2XjJoqfCSgo8JXtFrsvGkh29T3b5jwSYmwnuI-WPpMJn5dKKqbgrNqHQ6uzXxGVFoI2hTrpBbbdD4DNvW8bC4iejrM/s1600/familybradsky.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I do not doubt. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I know it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9-KM3AeYyHcXSFFvplkEjEX1cYAUEPggrE4qRlpMZ-c3kQJm8WAzb4EMkzLNJ1CWff4XyIxbb4x9Eo-8IU8nZFEge7159H-xBhzyUL6pUOYe3cxZCTMGtUddS3EHCHxWv1o7wuY3U4c0/s1600/familyparade.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9-KM3AeYyHcXSFFvplkEjEX1cYAUEPggrE4qRlpMZ-c3kQJm8WAzb4EMkzLNJ1CWff4XyIxbb4x9Eo-8IU8nZFEge7159H-xBhzyUL6pUOYe3cxZCTMGtUddS3EHCHxWv1o7wuY3U4c0/s1600/familyparade.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-11950953659845960452014-03-04T21:30:00.000-08:002014-03-05T11:58:57.265-08:00The Last Child <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYVmycbJTp8t08Gz7R4Na2jOxMS-rIRTUsseDRLAqwYBoEBvrySrukJpNtbXklQy2g1ay1DJFfWKzJYKmaxzutnZ77aMlZD-yB9HGQ0kY_BLAojFoVfNV3YLtVnjwj6EptYbPw-U2Hzuc/s1600/arizona5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYVmycbJTp8t08Gz7R4Na2jOxMS-rIRTUsseDRLAqwYBoEBvrySrukJpNtbXklQy2g1ay1DJFfWKzJYKmaxzutnZ77aMlZD-yB9HGQ0kY_BLAojFoVfNV3YLtVnjwj6EptYbPw-U2Hzuc/s1600/arizona5.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tonight we went to test drive cars. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm tired of driving an empty van.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't drive the kids to school. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I no longer have my special son to put in and out of the van.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And when Charlotte gets in and out she does everything herself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She started opening the door herself just this last week. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I cannot believe how big she is getting! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And everyday, loading her in and out of the van reminds me she is my last at home.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
*Sigh*</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My plan was to have a little 3 year old boy at home with me for two more years. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When the plans changed to be a special boy, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I accepted that I might some day load him on the special bus in his wheel chair.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But now I'm expecting a very empty van next year.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyPtLMifqjLLkBkLA15ERlzjp9bbzg5bmjM64U6nRNAJj_SopI03fq29TfLqCK_84VA3Btu3z4B5N4ArIPUrDGw62VA_BzUPNQT4FyfBxEFWJpfSxUUlQzR_ezG-WbVh4_Ihst5qmnlAQ/s1600/bradley'sheadstone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyPtLMifqjLLkBkLA15ERlzjp9bbzg5bmjM64U6nRNAJj_SopI03fq29TfLqCK_84VA3Btu3z4B5N4ArIPUrDGw62VA_BzUPNQT4FyfBxEFWJpfSxUUlQzR_ezG-WbVh4_Ihst5qmnlAQ/s1600/bradley'sheadstone.jpg" height="640" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
You are supposed to spoil the last child home.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
You are supposed to go to McDonalds and the park everyday the year before kindergarten.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But even doing those things is becoming painful for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Because it's a reminder that Bradley is not with us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK0vuzYK1N2wE509cFuhlZwHs-Stl3elcb2-7GhvxoLYYqIauW6-w5K-rX_XNWc1TW-0TLeBHPq-6UdpZBVaq6ybxoSvMIG42Trfnv9UwO5PjyLWvJT6wtmCLuekayy-3LSSQ7gQzMZKY/s1600/charly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK0vuzYK1N2wE509cFuhlZwHs-Stl3elcb2-7GhvxoLYYqIauW6-w5K-rX_XNWc1TW-0TLeBHPq-6UdpZBVaq6ybxoSvMIG42Trfnv9UwO5PjyLWvJT6wtmCLuekayy-3LSSQ7gQzMZKY/s1600/charly.jpg" height="640" width="468" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I keep doing things to "fix" how I feel.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Play group. McDonald's dates.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And today we even seriously talked about getting rid of the van.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We went and test drove a 4 door car. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not sure how I feel about that. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Part of me thinks I will somehow be free from the past if I change cars.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Part of me will miss Bradley's van that fit his wheelchair with the automatic doors.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Grief is so confusing and because I'm a woman of action, I'm totally trying new things everyday. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But nothing changes the feelings of the loss.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The emptiness is still here all around us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNFSIGloNc6AKYS1ivLkXdxgWCK3WJO79wHXUdxDB1k_lHO4s4Z8oOepTbl8RKMeSMU97UrCKozvH9ashMwLGQkjPHnKkfjEplgPC5ZmJt-M0pd7x7Bd_TCrzr3WReiPxP8v_nhZr2RrE/s1600/charlyboxes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNFSIGloNc6AKYS1ivLkXdxgWCK3WJO79wHXUdxDB1k_lHO4s4Z8oOepTbl8RKMeSMU97UrCKozvH9ashMwLGQkjPHnKkfjEplgPC5ZmJt-M0pd7x7Bd_TCrzr3WReiPxP8v_nhZr2RrE/s1600/charlyboxes.jpg" height="422" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center">
Tonight I told Tom I understand that<em> I</em> will be able to raise Bradley again someday.</div>
<div align="center">
I get that I will see all of his firsts someday;</div>
<div align="center">
But what I don't understand is what about the kids and what they have lost?</div>
<div align="center">
What about Jacob not getting to take his nightly baths with his brother? </div>
<div align="center">
And all of the hours of play that Jacob is missing out on with his brother.</div>
<div align="center">
Do we get a do-over for that too?</div>
<div align="center">
How?</div>
<div align="center">
And Tom said he didn't know how that would happen exactly, </div>
<div align="center">
but he knows Jacob will get those experiences too.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I have to hope for that.</div>
<div align="center">
I have to have faith that <em>we</em> will get it all made up to us. </div>
<div align="center">
Faith that those beautiful giggles of play will be heard someday. </div>
<div align="center">
I cannot wait to hear them. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-37212901529227645322014-02-24T21:54:00.000-08:002014-02-25T10:53:24.481-08:00Hungry<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Summer is coming. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The orders are flowing in.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm so busy and I love it! </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I love making stuff for others on their special days.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Everyday is a chance to serve someone. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I love that part of it too!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqBj0TsBFsD4MWJtpC71iwzOHrenmQRS_FjsRDvXWw4qscJN5PE7aX-IOv0wvVT62HWLgAplea-xgC-olu2wI4tAA-PdMcvdQYmOG9wtJIVftBN-A0_Q5v9lrv_QfG_43QQ5YrUhAJtP0/s1600/DSC_0037+(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqBj0TsBFsD4MWJtpC71iwzOHrenmQRS_FjsRDvXWw4qscJN5PE7aX-IOv0wvVT62HWLgAplea-xgC-olu2wI4tAA-PdMcvdQYmOG9wtJIVftBN-A0_Q5v9lrv_QfG_43QQ5YrUhAJtP0/s1600/DSC_0037+(2).JPG" height="422" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="center">
But tonight I got an opportunity I don't normally get.</div>
<div align="center">
The kids were out of lunch meat for their school lunches. </div>
<div align="center">
Our favorite is the sundried tomato turkey from Walmart's deli.</div>
<div align="center">
It's so good! It's worth the trip!</div>
<div align="center">
And I needed bottled water too.</div>
<div align="center">
So we all headed over to Walmart.</div>
<div align="center">
And after the shopping was over, we went out to the </div>
<div align="center">
parking lot and as we got close to the car a frightened lady approached us.</div>
<div align="center">
The first thing she said was, </div>
<div align="center">
"I don't want any money, but I need to feed my children tonight."<br />
<br />
The spirit told me she was telling me the truth. </div>
<div align="center">
And I told her I had no cash and I could tell by the things she wanted that her wants were sincere. </div>
<div align="center">
She was really just trying to get some calories for her kids.</div>
<div align="center">
I'm usually too scared to talk to people in the parking lot. <br />
I had a purse stolen once before in a walmart parking lot.</div>
<div align="center">
But I told the kids to stay with Tom and I took the lady inside to help her feed her family.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5gr1eQ_LyD8T6fj5aVfdGT_QJIVDDMccaBKyd97w0lzbHD_wYk3ONTlAFXm3hyEe0VUYK9FoM_lGyHbW6315PWSTxyMglaSWEsNekakA7gb1Jq7SPd4qcaIEJ6VvHgko8N01pu1IbWGk/s1600/002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5gr1eQ_LyD8T6fj5aVfdGT_QJIVDDMccaBKyd97w0lzbHD_wYk3ONTlAFXm3hyEe0VUYK9FoM_lGyHbW6315PWSTxyMglaSWEsNekakA7gb1Jq7SPd4qcaIEJ6VvHgko8N01pu1IbWGk/s1600/002.JPG" height="640" width="422" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I told her to get a cart. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I could tell by the things she put in the cart that she was in fact telling the truth.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The grossest tuna. Dry pasta. The cheapest spaghetti sauce.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She picked up the generic raisin bran and she said it was filling so it was a good one.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I asked if she wanted a gallon of milk.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And she said that if she fed her kids fresh milk they wouldn't take the powdered later.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She said she adds sweetened condensed milk to the powdered milk and that helped it taste better. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8KTA0DbSYaTPMB5k1D9ge0WTNRceKeP6oCFPARakKvJBfcIpvNEVND-HrisP4-Ha4m5DHc4BNQt0QL-C8aYUj19SsAQcCaiv5wRVw1GK0hy6ZNgDBgUKa18ewlnanx7owy0HawqYpT70/s1600/bradley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8KTA0DbSYaTPMB5k1D9ge0WTNRceKeP6oCFPARakKvJBfcIpvNEVND-HrisP4-Ha4m5DHc4BNQt0QL-C8aYUj19SsAQcCaiv5wRVw1GK0hy6ZNgDBgUKa18ewlnanx7owy0HawqYpT70/s1600/bradley.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="center">
I knew she was desperate. </div>
<div align="center">
She said tomorrow she would be able to get to the food bank, </div>
<div align="center">
but that she was very grateful for this little bit to help her get to tomorrow.</div>
<div align="center">
And she said her cats needed food and I should have insisted she got the food for her cats. </div>
<div align="center">
She told me her two cats helped her deal with the stress of her situation.</div>
<div align="center">
And I remembered all the nights Patches has climbed up on my bed </div>
<div align="center">
and snuggled with me since Bradley's been gone. </div>
<div align="center">
I choked back the tears and thought about Bradley.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I thought about how many blessings I have.</div>
<div align="center">
How many times, I received help, because of Bradley, through the grace of God.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimua-2Km7JIkXAD8zTxsHXz4_Zxs7B1_Gqh4OHy2kv0iy_85XbwRrk9iX5HzBM8nT-Ti87m6fvu6xXU5SlSKRZEeSLsoS4Oiasv819HF0fU7Pj0bmWwk-vZ3oIqI-vlVbPjIfQgzOzC-8/s1600/037.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimua-2Km7JIkXAD8zTxsHXz4_Zxs7B1_Gqh4OHy2kv0iy_85XbwRrk9iX5HzBM8nT-Ti87m6fvu6xXU5SlSKRZEeSLsoS4Oiasv819HF0fU7Pj0bmWwk-vZ3oIqI-vlVbPjIfQgzOzC-8/s1600/037.JPG" height="422" width="640" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
It was a sacred experience to help someone tonight. </div>
<div align="center">
An opportunity I don't normally get because of my fear.</div>
<div align="center">
But the spirit told me so strongly it was okay to help her.</div>
<div align="center">
And I helped her. And I'm glad I did. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I am not a perfect person. </div>
<div align="center">
I do not always help my brother.</div>
<div align="center">
But this was an opportunity, I'm glad I took.</div>
<div align="center">
I'm so grateful for everything I have.</div>
<div align="center">
And it gave me new eyes to see what I have been overlooking.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-79430867624678545082014-02-18T23:05:00.002-08:002014-02-18T23:45:31.824-08:00The Glue<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I keep getting the question of how I'm doing. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not sure what to say, usually.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's hard. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
This is hard. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But not as hard as watching him die for 16 months. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He went into respiratory failure at the age of 10 months. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Watching him suffer through respiratory failure for 16 months was harder than this.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Much, much harder.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Both physically and emotionally. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Because no doctor could ever tell me exactly why Bradley was dying.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But at night I held my son while he struggled to breath. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Every time I kissed Bradley I wondered if it would be my last.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
That was the hardest 16 months of my life. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And while I miss him terribly; the suffering is over. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Imagine someone on the edge of death for 16 months. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Imagine being the caregiver.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Imagine how well I sleep now. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Imagine how safe I know he is. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlB7uKD8r3u9b4csVvYl4MylAcL_iz7Co-9nl3Fduebi1y38t5dHAlBmEyCsPRXOAASWYH4cZjoTw15z7GfyOaFqpwGTnOitHq3ZI6pUGbRPMxtBO32tTpVlDJ2jQya3V5ZSNR05gPSJA/s1600/1002644_10203383334967142_2077455682_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlB7uKD8r3u9b4csVvYl4MylAcL_iz7Co-9nl3Fduebi1y38t5dHAlBmEyCsPRXOAASWYH4cZjoTw15z7GfyOaFqpwGTnOitHq3ZI6pUGbRPMxtBO32tTpVlDJ2jQya3V5ZSNR05gPSJA/s1600/1002644_10203383334967142_2077455682_n.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
I had a dream about Bradley the other night. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In the dream I took Bradley to visit a friend from high school. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She passed the summer before Bradley passed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When I saw her in my dream, I took him out of the stroller <br />
and I handed him to her so she could hold him and meet him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And she stared at him for a while; then looked up at and me and said, <br />
"He's a very special boy Mary!"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I told her I knew he was. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I woke up knowing they are together. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2ftGG1BYs3B0ztp9VqaIB-8xHgXG8c6tLttY0vGILLviKaNAFWi7GwOpcNEgGvEBggAs0SBeU9ez7Qshd2NGs0sfz7E_lKFe2nHmntUj1isudSAtZvlxS8m9NjdQUtQ7vseZugpfcS0Y/s1600/1891109_10203383335407153_303501372_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2ftGG1BYs3B0ztp9VqaIB-8xHgXG8c6tLttY0vGILLviKaNAFWi7GwOpcNEgGvEBggAs0SBeU9ez7Qshd2NGs0sfz7E_lKFe2nHmntUj1isudSAtZvlxS8m9NjdQUtQ7vseZugpfcS0Y/s1600/1891109_10203383335407153_303501372_n.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We went to our first funeral since Bradley's on Monday. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My great aunt. She was a very close sibling to my Grandma Wanda. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My grandma has been gone for 15 years. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I've not had much contact with my great aunt since Grandma has been gone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But we are family, so we were invited to the viewing. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When we walked in, my children really wanted to see her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They were drawn to her and Charlotte almost jumped out of my arms and into the casket. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then it came time to close the casket. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And her husband of 76 years was wheeled up to her to say his goodbyes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
His cries and love poured out of him. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He called her name again and again and told her how much he loved her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And our tears flowed freely as we listen to the sobs of his love. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And when we followed the casket out of the relief society room,<br />
Jacob grabbed my hand and told me he understood how much my great uncle missed his wife.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Jacob said he wanted to talk to him and tell him he understood how he felt. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_O40E81mxJVgNF7KbSIgwhvjnvpdPT1PSChQhw2iWv172c9dnuNiZJxTq4Bn0g3AGiFeQy2j60AI1lhBB0DioAYfT2gFysCMKP82erQySO9-OfQXf_82dOHP-w_Fo0w5PV3WS0vyuOxE/s1600/1619549_10203383334807138_467672908_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_O40E81mxJVgNF7KbSIgwhvjnvpdPT1PSChQhw2iWv172c9dnuNiZJxTq4Bn0g3AGiFeQy2j60AI1lhBB0DioAYfT2gFysCMKP82erQySO9-OfQXf_82dOHP-w_Fo0w5PV3WS0vyuOxE/s1600/1619549_10203383334807138_467672908_n.jpg" height="640" width="478" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I wonder all the time, why my kids have to go through this.</div>
<div align="center">
Why do they have this experience of playing in the cemetery?</div>
<div align="center">
Even taking their friends there with them to visit their brother?</div>
<div align="center">
And showing their friends Bradley's funeral video slideshow!?!</div>
<div align="center">
It's so weird. Most 7 year old boys don't do that! </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I'm starting to think that they are here to be an example to me. </div>
<div align="center">
To be examples to me of how to deal and cope with MY grief. </div>
<div align="center">
Miss him. Remember him. Cry about him.</div>
<div align="center">
And then get up and do what I was doing before. </div>
<div align="center">
I think that is what Bradley would want me to do too. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I love my kids. </div>
<div align="center">
I'm glad I've had each one of them. </div>
<div align="center">
I'm glad that Jacob and Charlotte and Maddy and I can hold hands through this.</div>
<div align="center">
And I think that was one of the reasons why God sent us Bradley. </div>
<div align="center">
Bradley came to glue us closer together. </div>
<div align="center">
To challenge us to become more.</div>
<div align="center">
And to help us stick together through it.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-55457881146039282092014-02-08T22:03:00.000-08:002014-02-08T22:20:02.774-08:00I Have a Family Here on Earth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Bishop was inspired to take the young women </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and young men to the Gilbert, Arizona Temple open house last weekend. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It was a wonderful trip. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
When I returned home Tom and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's been 12 years of wedded bliss. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And 12 years of the hardest struggles I have ever had to face. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Have I mentioned that I'm a runner? </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Well, I like to run from my problems.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And this latest problem, of losing my son, has made me want to knock down </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
what I've been building for the last 12 years and start over again. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Somewhere else. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Somewhere new. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
With people who don't remind me of Bradley. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Somewhere that the hole Bradley left wouldn't be so obvious. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's been the most my relationship has ever been tried. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So I came home last weekend, feeling refreshed. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Feeling like I did want to be with my family forever.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And Tom and I decided we needed a little vacation alone as a family. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And what better a place to go than to the temple together?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So yesterday we packed the car and hit the road and traveled down to sunny Arizona.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHGHXZeT25kTi6SHcVAGS9duh_fEOV2rUMLp8I6ShC3637wno-mFgDGZTgZUDveQ_kCfTN77j69IVwRSE2MKW_CbV8bKDTrkRB60fdXysZQCy7deogtSt89jRwwFGIE3IV6lVg8gt9OMA/s1600/arizona3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHGHXZeT25kTi6SHcVAGS9duh_fEOV2rUMLp8I6ShC3637wno-mFgDGZTgZUDveQ_kCfTN77j69IVwRSE2MKW_CbV8bKDTrkRB60fdXysZQCy7deogtSt89jRwwFGIE3IV6lVg8gt9OMA/s1600/arizona3.jpg" height="640" width="378" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And today we entered the undedicated House of the Lord with our children.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And as we got to the sealing room,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I picked up Charlotte and looked into the mirrors </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
with Tom and Maddy and Jacob beside me </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I realized that we are just the ones left here on earth. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
That our family is more than just the five of us.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Our family reaches behind us and ahead of us.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And our family is going to be dynamic. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's going to change. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
More will be taken from us. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And more will be added to us.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And as long as we are sealed, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
it doesn't matter who is still here on the earth and who is in Heaven. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
WE ARE STILL A FAMILY!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG1zF0wR8e6zBwU2u0VJxoaySJm3OzeY7MEF_jGuSaOWvUF7YWrQMxEIKdQIzYXGvYfSA3IHxY2XFEk_a2Yx1PLmXQWzbBVFLV0rFDpEr2xXT3tK010_ykLCpu7pp1Ar0sR_spy-1FlRg/s1600/gilbertarizona1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG1zF0wR8e6zBwU2u0VJxoaySJm3OzeY7MEF_jGuSaOWvUF7YWrQMxEIKdQIzYXGvYfSA3IHxY2XFEk_a2Yx1PLmXQWzbBVFLV0rFDpEr2xXT3tK010_ykLCpu7pp1Ar0sR_spy-1FlRg/s1600/gilbertarizona1.jpg" height="388" width="640" /></a></div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
And we then we went over to the Mesa Temple. </div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And the brides were numerous because it is a Saturday. </div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And all of the babies and grandparents were there too.</div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I was reminded that I'm out of the having-baby-stage of life. </div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I realized it<em> is</em> going quickly. </div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
This life <em>is</em> just a moment.</div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTg1H5Ne4X7j-QCC-M3O_OKtWXSn9aRVZlgCPCI_cbJMl2SkXvX5f0ZNQImonHYzKiA3c9_yKJ3gz-Fv-4Dr3mIFhjYx_kDUqLkzGlWSTW36VLPLoSQGmlbsa6ax1VIFJTcvDta-MozGY/s1600/arizona1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTg1H5Ne4X7j-QCC-M3O_OKtWXSn9aRVZlgCPCI_cbJMl2SkXvX5f0ZNQImonHYzKiA3c9_yKJ3gz-Fv-4Dr3mIFhjYx_kDUqLkzGlWSTW36VLPLoSQGmlbsa6ax1VIFJTcvDta-MozGY/s1600/arizona1.jpg" height="640" width="478" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And we went into the visitor center and watched a presentation about families being forever.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And after it was over the sister asked us what our favorite part was. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And Jacob said,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
"We have a baby brother who is in Heaven because his brain didn't work. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I'm glad to know that families ARE forever. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It means so much to me because of my baby brother."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXV82MVOn5kukonN33vgVuq_Y_rqj-dN_f7DI5lcNJitMIi8zIE4XTBHL4TZ2nct2hsDmgko28EHNYr7swMRIGbLc-E0snmJNlANH33CAGnWa0-fknN92YbJAmBcI3dNENL2iNIDKpXdI/s1600/1912144_10203303301046344_416211418_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXV82MVOn5kukonN33vgVuq_Y_rqj-dN_f7DI5lcNJitMIi8zIE4XTBHL4TZ2nct2hsDmgko28EHNYr7swMRIGbLc-E0snmJNlANH33CAGnWa0-fknN92YbJAmBcI3dNENL2iNIDKpXdI/s1600/1912144_10203303301046344_416211418_n.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="center">
This trial. This hard thing. It was part of our plan. </div>
<div align="center">
I know it when I look at my children who hold hands so often. </div>
<div align="center">
I know it when I see the beautiful skies Bradley has painted me.</div>
<div align="center">
And I know it when I hear Jacobs beautiful testimony, that families are forever.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLKHzpvXq5dssB6cL8VtbjUDVXvdvHkH6B2bMgrBLw0JAvoMOIG7EeHxuyxTUkIadqihUe82Kte1TcqDDF0DDMPI_G0WD25Q3cQBYdhs-LSv6OCI2P2Yyd3NYr2OsjwUuawV6Fb6_2JO4/s1600/1689324_10203303300806338_877078896_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLKHzpvXq5dssB6cL8VtbjUDVXvdvHkH6B2bMgrBLw0JAvoMOIG7EeHxuyxTUkIadqihUe82Kte1TcqDDF0DDMPI_G0WD25Q3cQBYdhs-LSv6OCI2P2Yyd3NYr2OsjwUuawV6Fb6_2JO4/s1600/1689324_10203303300806338_877078896_n.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-34508449298640030042014-01-02T18:39:00.001-08:002014-01-02T19:02:22.239-08:00The Man of my Dreams<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I've been wanting to have a dream about Bradley, since his passing. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
One where he comes to see me as a grown, perfect man. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
A dream where he thanks me for taking such diligent care of him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
One where he tells me he's safe with Heavenly Father.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Where he tells me he doesn't have much time to talk because he has a great work to go do.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But the dreams about him have been few. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I had one about a week after he passed where I saw him crawling.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But last night I finally had another dream about him.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Pzsk9Hsq4om_6_L8U651nua0BosQUah3UKwB90lkm_GedvP5Z-R7teiUUo65JZiD-9iv6LrYNFIbOEyfS2KfveGcNjQb14Zqke1k-XUJrXacydV5XHTjJMF8az3_Ju8EUKYBwrXML5M/s1600/004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Pzsk9Hsq4om_6_L8U651nua0BosQUah3UKwB90lkm_GedvP5Z-R7teiUUo65JZiD-9iv6LrYNFIbOEyfS2KfveGcNjQb14Zqke1k-XUJrXacydV5XHTjJMF8az3_Ju8EUKYBwrXML5M/s640/004.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I was standing at the sink doing dishes.</div>
<div align="center">
I looked over to the ground behind the couch and I saw his pump. </div>
<div align="center">
It was running and he was laying on the ground being fed by his pump.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I was so happy to see him!!</div>
<div align="center">
I called to the kids and told them Bradley was home. </div>
<div align="center">
They came running to see him.</div>
<div align="center">
But they were not as excited as I had hoped. </div>
<div align="center">
Charlotte and Jacob told me they were starving and both started to cry. </div>
<div align="center">
I picked up Bradley and to my surprise he was easy to hold. </div>
<div align="center">
He hung onto my arms as I swung him around to sit on my hip.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
He sat on my hip as I attended to the other children and their needs. </div>
<div align="center">
I worked hard to feed them all while Bradley happily hung on and watched.</div>
<div align="center">
By the time everyone was fed, I could finally sit down to enjoy Bradley.</div>
<div align="center">
My back hurt and my arms ached from hanging onto him. </div>
<div align="center">
It has been so long since I've held my baby. </div>
<div align="center">
And it felt alien to me. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I finally sat down and looked into Bradley's eyes and I suddenly thought, </div>
<div align="center">
"Why are you here? You are supposed to be in heaven!"</div>
<div align="center">
And suddenly he disappeared from my hands.</div>
<div align="center">
I was shocked by my thoughts. </div>
<div align="center">
And my arms ached to hold him again.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I woke up feeling those same aches.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And this evening I told Tom about the dream </div>
<div align="center">
and I cried as I recounted my guilt for telling Bradley to go to Heaven. </div>
<div align="center">
The last nine months of his life, I had wished for him to go there. </div>
<div align="center">
And now that he is there, I have these feelings that I want him to come back. </div>
<div align="center">
But I cannot have both. </div>
<div align="center">
I've never been able to have both with Bradley.</div>
<div align="center">
It was either stay in a broken body.</div>
<div align="center">
Or go to Heaven and finally be free of that body.</div>
<div align="center">
The conflict is so excruciating sometimes. </div>
<div align="center">
I feel so split in my personalities. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And Tom lovingly listened to my recount and said,<br />
"Your dream shows that you've accepted God's will, Mary."</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And I know why Bradley has not come back in a dream to thank me.</div>
<div align="center">
He doesn't need to.</div>
<div align="center">
He thanked me everyday when he brought his beautiful light into my home. </div>
<div align="center">
I was always being directed how to care for him.</div>
<div align="center">
So many whisperings of the spirit. </div>
<div align="center">
I do not need to be told that he is in Heaven. </div>
<div align="center">
I KNOW he is. </div>
<div align="center">
I know because of him that<em> Heaven is real</em>!</div>
<div align="center">
So why should he come to tell me?</div>
<div align="center">
He doesn't need to.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I'm grateful I got to hold him again;</div>
<div align="center">
even if just for a moment; </div>
<div align="center">
even if just in a dream.</div>
<div align="center">
I remembered him perfectly. </div>
<div align="center">
And I think that is all that I needed right now.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-23895394081745383712013-12-18T22:19:00.001-08:002013-12-18T22:45:17.430-08:00Forgetting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It occurred to me, last week,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I have a nice camera and <em>I</em> can take pictures of my kids! </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So on Sunday, after church, while Tom was helping with tithing settlement, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I got all the kids dressed and took them over to the park. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We took a framed picture of Bradley and Bradley's picture chair too. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS0hUjmJq_Es6kL_YnFdAuPJddSHSC-f60YVpPtmgMXd7OSz9tH_je3oVQaaa7_mlA5LcNwKbWdoXiOK7UWh4OvRIG3XQngy6X9lLxmNYGfjURUlvTIqKIa5VZ3ZNKbIvRctIcJs2E2Mo/s1600/039.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS0hUjmJq_Es6kL_YnFdAuPJddSHSC-f60YVpPtmgMXd7OSz9tH_je3oVQaaa7_mlA5LcNwKbWdoXiOK7UWh4OvRIG3XQngy6X9lLxmNYGfjURUlvTIqKIa5VZ3ZNKbIvRctIcJs2E2Mo/s640/039.JPG" width="490" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhALQ3pXf_jrsu5z9cRjA8V5Gh-EKfCoxTxIc46XYwTrmVex2aSv-DRvqWAbgmg3V-BF83MfNCke7ADLUjpP_pCEGiT5gHsMfravw86fa4CS-I34CdpOflgNIWuraoI4RXE2IyIc7g8QvU/s1600/070.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhALQ3pXf_jrsu5z9cRjA8V5Gh-EKfCoxTxIc46XYwTrmVex2aSv-DRvqWAbgmg3V-BF83MfNCke7ADLUjpP_pCEGiT5gHsMfravw86fa4CS-I34CdpOflgNIWuraoI4RXE2IyIc7g8QvU/s640/070.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvZqfNMVX5QpPv6sHZrmJWncrisVv-U78fRvPCUq8jALx985GK7zjQXPPhiZFm6Xg7F2YdTfdjvZzUrcGGLYYn6E9RS-kr3MNWyRbz3RBFRnO5_OXvpCtSSTWPmGiuKIEKEmWb9I9yps/s1600/076.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvZqfNMVX5QpPv6sHZrmJWncrisVv-U78fRvPCUq8jALx985GK7zjQXPPhiZFm6Xg7F2YdTfdjvZzUrcGGLYYn6E9RS-kr3MNWyRbz3RBFRnO5_OXvpCtSSTWPmGiuKIEKEmWb9I9yps/s640/076.JPG" width="398" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgttb4ZivkRc6Adp410PT-zJGN20zUpw1sk7RuuWWO8vD27LdHrwZoTXvWAlhzedpTdY6yYVtq3oEAk0CsKlGQ16-FPGO5Yrh-SWhsHH1k9qDrIpojrlyC2KVCRMWYrJTQmt6G6S4EPQKM/s1600/080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgttb4ZivkRc6Adp410PT-zJGN20zUpw1sk7RuuWWO8vD27LdHrwZoTXvWAlhzedpTdY6yYVtq3oEAk0CsKlGQ16-FPGO5Yrh-SWhsHH1k9qDrIpojrlyC2KVCRMWYrJTQmt6G6S4EPQKM/s640/080.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN-0YPxu3o53P9TqxfIsls2XEpc8LkI3fvPnA_4DqdAyRGbYs41rSLnCntEnrTNDvP_hqDnDlu2lOCcI6HR7VOj1gBTkYKPj-pJGszcCYMfar2YMlDSiKJnMcj85fD2vmskAkl4aYoM4c/s1600/086.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN-0YPxu3o53P9TqxfIsls2XEpc8LkI3fvPnA_4DqdAyRGbYs41rSLnCntEnrTNDvP_hqDnDlu2lOCcI6HR7VOj1gBTkYKPj-pJGszcCYMfar2YMlDSiKJnMcj85fD2vmskAkl4aYoM4c/s640/086.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo7z7Z28GYPDQjzKFy7drnpaVgFw2SON4SUfgF7CxltnvZYjXGip6Ir-DcirnIAxuum-x2rAfnRMoyf2_ocBVSfrsd-LJLQuWyOBbNk09AYmRZ80LeijvQV9vSThsKZt4s0yh2HVVzITc/s1600/092.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo7z7Z28GYPDQjzKFy7drnpaVgFw2SON4SUfgF7CxltnvZYjXGip6Ir-DcirnIAxuum-x2rAfnRMoyf2_ocBVSfrsd-LJLQuWyOBbNk09AYmRZ80LeijvQV9vSThsKZt4s0yh2HVVzITc/s640/092.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUkW-sg5ubfUfhyZHxAcZV3AkyMmWCcmUjZi2SCe9fu-0J6Gqkct2FjWiomfxVheHOe4XmsTBGxMhBDS0CYzivxLB5vklNbUuNbOhrpGzriKt1xqOU5jdDXkXn5CYdKXZy0MZew3W8a1A/s1600/084.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUkW-sg5ubfUfhyZHxAcZV3AkyMmWCcmUjZi2SCe9fu-0J6Gqkct2FjWiomfxVheHOe4XmsTBGxMhBDS0CYzivxLB5vklNbUuNbOhrpGzriKt1xqOU5jdDXkXn5CYdKXZy0MZew3W8a1A/s640/084.JPG" width="414" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I got some photos of the kids with Bradley's framed picture too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was weird to worry about the glare on the glass and not his warm body anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss his warm body.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And when I got home I did some editing. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I uploaded some to a site to purchase Christmas Cards </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I spent about three hours going through all of the possible picture and card combinations. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Putting a picture, on the card, of the three kids. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Then replacing it with a picture of the three kids with Bradley's picture. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Neither felt right. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I mulled over it again and again. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I even signed one, "Love, Madeleine, Jacob, Charlotte and Bradley."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And at that pointed I realized, that Bradley could no longer sign the card. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was gone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He IS gone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And putting up a picture of him does not bring him back, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because this is what my family looks like right now:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRCi1pJhqym5ckcP5-XvUPOv4hRAP1d3dk_F7Z5xNol97Pl7gM3PJ-HrfyewPbbwweDGuJQInrSeWr2RxbO4j8JCOjoYU6P6Mm6nZBvimmK2S3sZ8GX0My-9zcS0Nm9CigFyOuRTvwRkY/s1600/097.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="432" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRCi1pJhqym5ckcP5-XvUPOv4hRAP1d3dk_F7Z5xNol97Pl7gM3PJ-HrfyewPbbwweDGuJQInrSeWr2RxbO4j8JCOjoYU6P6Mm6nZBvimmK2S3sZ8GX0My-9zcS0Nm9CigFyOuRTvwRkY/s640/097.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
But I DID select a photo with his framed picture in it for the Christmas cards, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because I think this is the last time I can do that. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
If I do it next year, Bradley's picture and age will look even more out of place. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikhlYVpaswcV_nJxiYNPUGNwEfRJ2vRMW_WlPzc9FQwRJ4bDl64bGAHMyP6MRQ5cI5KZK8geniu3QA9bEW9m7Grm3-X5NkPrAgfkxniiwpXMbbq-EAOzsxrNYIY_oEVNL8GJkHUsHMp9c/s1600/121.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikhlYVpaswcV_nJxiYNPUGNwEfRJ2vRMW_WlPzc9FQwRJ4bDl64bGAHMyP6MRQ5cI5KZK8geniu3QA9bEW9m7Grm3-X5NkPrAgfkxniiwpXMbbq-EAOzsxrNYIY_oEVNL8GJkHUsHMp9c/s640/121.JPG" width="402" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
<br />
Earlier this week I found one of Bradley's pacifiers. <br />
I'm not embarrassed to say I quickly picked it up to smell it.</div>
<div align="center">
And I realized I cannot remember what his breath smelled like. </div>
<div align="center">
Time is cruel.</div>
<div align="center">
<br />
</div>
<div align="center">
And today, in the car, </div>
<div align="center">
Charlotte told me that if I forget Bradley's name she will remind me what it is. </div>
<div align="center">
And that if I forget what Bradley looks like, I can take out my old pictures and remember. </div>
<div align="center">
And Charlotte innocently asked me if I'm forgetting about Bradley.</div>
<div align="center">
I told her I was starting to forget parts of his life. </div>
<div align="center">
I'm forgetting the medications he was on and things like that.</div>
<div align="center">
But I will never completely forget him.</div>
<div align="center">
I got tears in my eyes as I told her I could never forget <em>any</em> of my babies. </div>
<div align="center">
And I looked in the rearview mirror, saw her smile, </div>
<div align="center">
and I remembered perfectly the very first times I saw each of my babies. </div>
<div align="center">
How could I ever forget those memories?</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-50992462674134724182013-12-05T00:54:00.001-08:002013-12-05T07:10:03.727-08:00The Headstone and Family Pictures<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I was 9 weeks pregnant with Bradley in this picture. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was on his way to earth.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Pictures are haunting me right now. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm having a hard time figuring how to go get current pictures done </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
with the holidays looming and the empty spot in our family. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I know no one expects a picture. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But it's an internal fight. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
A fight between me and my grief. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPx8xce0erLJONHefz1PsP5ZqXt4eLmdI_iokXb2jZvdaZiOQhqjPz0icLFZGlyd1e0daL_twd8gO_6MJ-1IuAtt8VIkwpz17ySZxLR7VBdaaK4ypHf6ywo7Y2nnrR0L_9WZYDFB5obGE/s1600/headstone4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPx8xce0erLJONHefz1PsP5ZqXt4eLmdI_iokXb2jZvdaZiOQhqjPz0icLFZGlyd1e0daL_twd8gO_6MJ-1IuAtt8VIkwpz17ySZxLR7VBdaaK4ypHf6ywo7Y2nnrR0L_9WZYDFB5obGE/s320/headstone4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
His headstone arrived yesterday. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Charlotte and I stopped by for our usual visit, not knowing it had been installed. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And as I turned to look out in the grass to find him, <br />
I saw the glimmer of the black shiny stone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Charlotte, Bradley got his headstone!!"<br />
She and I ran out on the lawn and stared at the piece of rock. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tears came to my eyes. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
One more cold thing in my life! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The thing that was most shocking about his spirit leaving his body <br />
was how cold his body became. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
How quickly the body changed after his spirit was gone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
His light and warmth gone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And the decay started immediately. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hate how quickly time passes now. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrNTQAJs0Wg2Bivd1oaj2lj5v8L7bJ3lOTN3qtT4ZoiPDOqeQjY_3gcN_VfpvdJScw5FUFomTQ-M89tYbsf4F6XwPgU_wTR29s_V_MrVfm8lSRNA9SB1pfKhaqtBDUTP6CuQHEp5Qzax0/s1600/headstone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrNTQAJs0Wg2Bivd1oaj2lj5v8L7bJ3lOTN3qtT4ZoiPDOqeQjY_3gcN_VfpvdJScw5FUFomTQ-M89tYbsf4F6XwPgU_wTR29s_V_MrVfm8lSRNA9SB1pfKhaqtBDUTP6CuQHEp5Qzax0/s320/headstone.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And now the weather is getting very chilly. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And his cold body is out under that cold ground, under the cold stone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Man, I miss my son. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK6UKBh0EC1xg39y1whUjJi7eRViquiBgtrgYEQ3kFSMbmoMZ7vvJb7U5IlayPIpaOmr7k119Iu4s14sxBSeE8DCgJxk5OY_a9RLTcynujfaJiB1VOsoZF8DwDYOZvOWmpAKioXZMH7SQ/s1600/Headstone2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK6UKBh0EC1xg39y1whUjJi7eRViquiBgtrgYEQ3kFSMbmoMZ7vvJb7U5IlayPIpaOmr7k119Iu4s14sxBSeE8DCgJxk5OY_a9RLTcynujfaJiB1VOsoZF8DwDYOZvOWmpAKioXZMH7SQ/s320/Headstone2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center">
And do you know what I dislike most about his death?</div>
<div align="center">
New friends don't know about him!</div>
<div align="center">
When I meet a new person, they don't understand who Bradley was.</div>
<div align="center">
I can tell his story, but most will get glazed eyes at the part about the homebirth.</div>
<div align="center">
And the only thing you know about his life from this stone in the ground is our religion. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
But he was so much more than those three words and a picture of the temple!!<br />
He was my everything. </div>
<div align="center">
He was my teacher. </div>
<div align="center">
He was a bright light from heaven in my home. </div>
<div align="center">
He was a missionary.</div>
<div align="center">
He was a personal reminder to live everyday like it was your last. </div>
<div align="center">
He was happy.</div>
<div align="center">
He was brave. </div>
<div align="center">
He was strong.</div>
<div align="center">
He kept me up at night with worry.</div>
<div align="center">
He kept me focused. </div>
<div align="center">
He inspired me.</div>
<div align="center">
He made me love my body for the first time in my life.</div>
<div align="center">
He kept me praying and fasting and searching.</div>
<div align="center">
He made me talk to genius doctors.</div>
<div align="center">
He made me argue with genius doctors. </div>
<div align="center">
He helped me realize I am a genius too.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And when the time was over, </div>
<div align="center">
I could only think about how right those doctors were.</div>
<div align="center">
How the heck did they know what would happen?</div>
<div align="center">
So ironic when every special needs mother I had talked to in the last two years advised,<br />
"Doctors don't know everything!"</div>
<div align="center">
<br />
Actually, in this case, they knew exactly what was happening!</div>
<div align="center">
All those tests that never gave any answers, </div>
<div align="center">
were actually the worst answers we could have ever gotten. </div>
<div align="center">
Inconclusive results + regression = death </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I still don't understand what exactly happened. </div>
<div align="center">
I can say "respiratory failure", but that is NOT what <em>really</em> happened. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
What <em>really</em> happened was Bradley had a purpose; <br />
a set amount of time. </div>
<div align="center">
Breaths from Heaven. </div>
<div align="center">
A mission. </div>
<div align="center">
And Heavenly Father called him home when his mission was fulfilled. </div>
<div align="center">
Now that I've seen birth and death, so close together, <br />
I can testify as to what a <em>miracle</em> LIFE is!</div>
<div align="center">
There is no denying, the genius creator, who gives and takes when he decides. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And this is my test. </div>
<div align="center">
To deal with what Heavenly Father's plan is. </div>
<div align="center">
This is his plan. </div>
<div align="center">
A home with three living children and one in Heaven.</div>
<div align="center">
And now I've got to keep that home for those three who's test is not over.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I guess I will take some pictures of those three again. </div>
<div align="center">
I think that is what Bradley would want me to do.</div>
<div align="center">
He wants me to raise his brother and sisters. </div>
<div align="center">
And Bradley will be there with us somehow in the picture. <br />
I don't need to worry about including him.</div>
<div align="center">
He will either be tossing our hair in the wind, </div>
<div align="center">
sending an orange monarch, </div>
<div align="center">
or showing his brilliant sunsets. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-28204648794242729392013-11-12T22:44:00.001-08:002013-11-12T22:56:42.420-08:00Ordinances Not Needed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizv0siNU2TVUnOir_zDwjnzL3t49cqxHbE7_76dqfovSaSe9V4yF7_-NSuNJLPcM8EsNVls-TApHHug6FXhrJaqE98yBRYu-c7ab9o1fFcS4W0Jfj3rf8rWDJqnuDk34adTRKYgcRhZBs/s1600/painting2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizv0siNU2TVUnOir_zDwjnzL3t49cqxHbE7_76dqfovSaSe9V4yF7_-NSuNJLPcM8EsNVls-TApHHug6FXhrJaqE98yBRYu-c7ab9o1fFcS4W0Jfj3rf8rWDJqnuDk34adTRKYgcRhZBs/s640/painting2.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Jacob wanted to lay down with Bradley the other day. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So I took him down to the cemetery and let him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He says he misses holding his hands the most. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He wishes he could hold his tiny, soft hand one more time. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I know exactly how Jacob feels.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-2TqRjF2IQ8BrB4Y1Zx5ODjIUjATwbur0UteobgRmE8ylchPl5GZXbIJr21slTZUMNVLValbv_u5FzSzhpwRnoFKtpoubUhz7xwhnF8zJEANOJRg9ctWprsJnrx1jgJyHY2HJ7RBex4g/s1600/painting5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-2TqRjF2IQ8BrB4Y1Zx5ODjIUjATwbur0UteobgRmE8ylchPl5GZXbIJr21slTZUMNVLValbv_u5FzSzhpwRnoFKtpoubUhz7xwhnF8zJEANOJRg9ctWprsJnrx1jgJyHY2HJ7RBex4g/s640/painting5.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I have made an effort, during Bradley's entire existence, not to be bitter. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's hard when I see a boy his age, to NOT think about all of the things Bradley could be doing.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Every time I see a two year old boy sliding down a slide I say to myself,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Bradley WILL do these things someday; we just have to wait. We can wait!"</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMIrE__khvk83S64mdXcT5xusMfoLMhx1bCv-HDOA2mLmeMV3fV_m_mxZPdVojetL9bO0XnLGHkK_OnB7O5V4FH5CbGvcEBDlNhVHvrIG6hqCjRBXt0A21ZnB2ypz7RdelAG7H1vEs2ew/s1600/painting6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMIrE__khvk83S64mdXcT5xusMfoLMhx1bCv-HDOA2mLmeMV3fV_m_mxZPdVojetL9bO0XnLGHkK_OnB7O5V4FH5CbGvcEBDlNhVHvrIG6hqCjRBXt0A21ZnB2ypz7RdelAG7H1vEs2ew/s640/painting6.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I missed him terribly on my Birthday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can see how the holidays will be the hardest.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsDKuz4ApmhZO1igs_CvvhgDhNudD6ywI2h4tV9aXzqNGcpQe8lHsOE9vNj5aamedQM4ZuiRIHmSdWJ-g1NZLlAiKGpCfW-olxlDY_okn0eF8W7__rBkWGyuikupZtTe7wC5lSakLqMjo/s1600/painting7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsDKuz4ApmhZO1igs_CvvhgDhNudD6ywI2h4tV9aXzqNGcpQe8lHsOE9vNj5aamedQM4ZuiRIHmSdWJ-g1NZLlAiKGpCfW-olxlDY_okn0eF8W7__rBkWGyuikupZtTe7wC5lSakLqMjo/s640/painting7.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center">
Tom was looking at familysearch.org last night. </div>
<div align="center">
And out of curiosity, he looked us up. </div>
<div align="center">
It had all of our children accounted for. </div>
<div align="center">
Even our precious Bradley. </div>
<div align="center">
Our child that no one can tell I birthed only two years ago.</div>
<div align="center">
All of our dates were accounted for. </div>
<div align="center">
Birthdates. Baptism dates. Wedding dates.</div>
<div align="center">
All of our ordinances.<br />
And Bradley's death date too.</div>
<div align="center">
And under Bradley's name it said "Ordinances Not Needed"<br />
What an incredible blessing it is to know that Bradley is taken care of. <br />
His precious spirit came to his body and filled the tests of Heaven.</div>
<div align="center">
He is perfect and does not need to prove himself more.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx2fPtAE8y9GiHqBBhQ6JPFaPW7rtLbJY8MAkldebolHdChc_DvTkbXpWo-pN12QBkK0Ei_hyphenhyphenqXU3SrWQGIZZ5qmERHie8zLFpuHdreLbFh7CLExvjZiCCurkJzaNxMSdEM7vASzOe0Wc/s1600/painting8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVzsa0wD58Hgb7QTiogEvxlNXLKWvFsF2GwJUAZQDdla-ktZEv0ICYVtLBT1TUEAt0LHl7rn-oh3sYegSMFqCWzYyFtt8-acwQc3-AgJGd-21drJ_vVT6J2vgmw3fwh5z8jIN_BL9Jb6E/s1600/painting8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVzsa0wD58Hgb7QTiogEvxlNXLKWvFsF2GwJUAZQDdla-ktZEv0ICYVtLBT1TUEAt0LHl7rn-oh3sYegSMFqCWzYyFtt8-acwQc3-AgJGd-21drJ_vVT6J2vgmw3fwh5z8jIN_BL9Jb6E/s640/painting8.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He was indeed an old soul. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Why did so many of us know that?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I <em>know</em> Bradley is saved. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He did not need this test. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
My brave little man and his chance at mortality.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He has a pass directly to heaven now. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm proud to call him mine ♥ </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-30576808938970155182013-10-24T08:53:00.001-07:002013-10-24T09:38:55.550-07:00How Great Thou Art<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Yesterday I had to drive to a specialty store to get some fabric for a bride. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The store is across the valley, and is near Bradley's lung doctor.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
As I exited the freeway, tears came to my eyes, as did many memories to my mind. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
All the appointments last summer trying to figure out why he was requiring oxygen.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Him nearly coding in the office twice.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN10U5NHOIT7B3slAU8vYI-81bNaBO-0s1DhgmKCa7j_4_UdQCLRxn3TF3Pe7jkHow8e9sakWPoRXf68Lzf6dI5fGryN1UyP7K5XL_fBeOrIAnwpvmcdbDhPF4r5XwXbyrgfv3d_s9tCQ/s1600/b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN10U5NHOIT7B3slAU8vYI-81bNaBO-0s1DhgmKCa7j_4_UdQCLRxn3TF3Pe7jkHow8e9sakWPoRXf68Lzf6dI5fGryN1UyP7K5XL_fBeOrIAnwpvmcdbDhPF4r5XwXbyrgfv3d_s9tCQ/s640/b.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And after we passed the pulmonologists office we passed Nevada Early Intervention. </div>
<div align="center">
Memories of my first and last time being there last summer. </div>
<div align="center">
The hours of evaluations.</div>
<div align="center">
The questions.<br />
</div>
<div align="center">
Does he reach for objects?</div>
<div align="center">
Does he sit up unassisted?</div>
<div align="center">
Does he laugh?</div>
<div align="center">
Does he cry?</div>
<div align="center">
Can you feed him by mouth?</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And most of my answers were, "No." and "He used to."</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And then their reply was,</div>
<div align="center">
"You need to keep trying! Don't give up!"</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And I wanted to scream, </div>
<div align="center">
"I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON MY BRADLEY!! </div>
<div align="center">
HE IS DYING IN MY ARMS!!</div>
<div align="center">
HE IS NOT GETTING BETTER! </div>
<div align="center">
HE'S GETTING WORSE!"</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And because he was undiagnosed, no one ever knew what to expect. </div>
<div align="center">
I was told over and over again that anything could happen.</div>
<div align="center">
There was no limit on what he "might" do. </div>
<div align="center">
But no one wanted to acknowledge that he "might" die too.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Those appointments were so painful for me.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZbXl5_FPjtSn_d5Dk7O1-AaseeWdOo1NkukMWD702_mmL2ICLXvQHE16T-GoAKN5C0QzrpXaUVRL56jnPXPjn9NfVTaCa_9TbMNcFJOwwNXnPCl6MYCDM2X3MQkGXYwsA5CYo4zWe3Wg/s1600/c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZbXl5_FPjtSn_d5Dk7O1-AaseeWdOo1NkukMWD702_mmL2ICLXvQHE16T-GoAKN5C0QzrpXaUVRL56jnPXPjn9NfVTaCa_9TbMNcFJOwwNXnPCl6MYCDM2X3MQkGXYwsA5CYo4zWe3Wg/s640/c.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Bradley's death certificate says cause of death is </div>
<div align="center">
chronic respiratory failure, </div>
<div align="center">
due to loss of developmental milestones, </div>
<div align="center">
due to undiagnosed genetic condition.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I still don't really understand how it happened or how we knew. </div>
<div align="center">
But his spirit left his body that night, <br />
and all I could think about was how the doctors were right.</div>
<div align="center">
How I was right too.</div>
<div align="center">
How they had confirmed my instincts.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
His death was very long and drawn out. </div>
<div align="center">
Almost a year of watching his brain die.</div>
<div align="center">
And now I really am feeling relief as I'm sure he is too.<br />
<br />
</div>
<div align="center">
I imagine he is doing all kinds of wonderful things now!</div>
<div align="center">
And I know he is painting in Heaven. <br />
I've seen several of his masterpieces since he's been gone. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHInx_7uI6IYTaCy9Ah8umEGZ5VX2lIZOoNOggMpZ_egWAEZv86ZGOciufX9U-vposmvWUl5-90umQpZj9aIfV1AnfOknEwqt35gtqNUeiO-lTJ17jy1OynMLgvL-MiNBW4hCGDT8UfUY/s1600/a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="476" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHInx_7uI6IYTaCy9Ah8umEGZ5VX2lIZOoNOggMpZ_egWAEZv86ZGOciufX9U-vposmvWUl5-90umQpZj9aIfV1AnfOknEwqt35gtqNUeiO-lTJ17jy1OynMLgvL-MiNBW4hCGDT8UfUY/s640/a.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
He was such a creative force in my life. </div>
<div align="center">
I'm certain he's an artist in Heaven. <br />
An inspiration who could never use his legs.<br />
I know he's finally standing at his easel creating masterpieces. <br />
</div>
<div align="center">
I feel like Heavenly Father did have mercy on us by taking Bradley when he did. <br />
The suffering has ended for all of us. <br />
And I love when he sends me his art.<br />
He was always trying to teach me to look up.<br />
And he still is.<br />
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-80453231819595151862013-10-19T17:56:00.001-07:002013-10-19T18:19:25.014-07:00Forever Changed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvmiw_oJB50HxF17JkJqY-96oFoTCtS9UXYzOCQALqi7U3RFPyA4Am_RN7cBZGgUw6MZ9SgKISwWJ61rD05OnFJ0SQdkRcrtD4lpDFYUv3TcsfUzQZcIVTbhQ4xTMU5yVTvRMAt-NnqtY/s1600/223650_197336816988339_6227836_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvmiw_oJB50HxF17JkJqY-96oFoTCtS9UXYzOCQALqi7U3RFPyA4Am_RN7cBZGgUw6MZ9SgKISwWJ61rD05OnFJ0SQdkRcrtD4lpDFYUv3TcsfUzQZcIVTbhQ4xTMU5yVTvRMAt-NnqtY/s640/223650_197336816988339_6227836_n.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Today marks six full weeks since Bradley returned to Heaven.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The baby wipes he was using are drying out.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And the grass is coming back on the top of his grave.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYpTAbVqcReVRzRrzKKyQTq8Gwt4g1pyGaybkZJAMIbNSzHuyJw1oJuLIUMVwBPTaosXMshI9aLG-yFTNTKQk8d94PnVoHNjDFtxk4E13OjW0YEzoK8k_mhgZcBWvAml5iKEAf5_JEOfc/s1600/1391819_10202413524162478_937704082_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYpTAbVqcReVRzRrzKKyQTq8Gwt4g1pyGaybkZJAMIbNSzHuyJw1oJuLIUMVwBPTaosXMshI9aLG-yFTNTKQk8d94PnVoHNjDFtxk4E13OjW0YEzoK8k_mhgZcBWvAml5iKEAf5_JEOfc/s640/1391819_10202413524162478_937704082_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We also learned this week that Bradley's Medicaid </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
was canceled because he had exceeded care costs.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The letter stated that we can appeal the cancelation.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I guess I need to call them and let them know he is gone.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The trial we had with him was not financial.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He was<em> always</em> provided for, while he was here.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm grateful Heavenly Father took care of that.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Through our efforts and efforts we could not see, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Bradley was <em>always</em> taken care of finacially.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgASLP_tbDx9t5sZ6x1P5m97KPhMqrln12Zg9JDrZJk_DSKHV0QG8KI_xFI6CzVj4GkDcInv5HvmpvbA67Ao-u7KDewaa9GjpDWoUBYafPct4mDooO-RG1nbtljwBVaOp9scCBlwGxZ0dg/s1600/1377077_10202413524442485_51566865_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgASLP_tbDx9t5sZ6x1P5m97KPhMqrln12Zg9JDrZJk_DSKHV0QG8KI_xFI6CzVj4GkDcInv5HvmpvbA67Ao-u7KDewaa9GjpDWoUBYafPct4mDooO-RG1nbtljwBVaOp9scCBlwGxZ0dg/s640/1377077_10202413524442485_51566865_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
One of Bradley's therapists was at the funeral. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I caught her outside the relief society room after she had seen his body in the viewing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's the only time I've ever seen her with tears in her eyes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She never cried in front of me while Bradley was under her care.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She was strong. Brave. Hopeful.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And we hugged and she told me she was sorry as she quickly wiped the tears away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I told her I still was not giving up on Bradley. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That I knew I would see him walk someday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She smiled and she said she knew that was true.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0SBccfrzeetj0EwMuzBKVu17ZXhHfiGMXuA2cZAQlC29QBrt9gXTH0-LHEyzSIB4CNCmzxI3cu6sja43fjYx_h7P0_8lMKUvk-ZPEqH-ATfmtP1ZDDYCOqxFY10-qp2CB1S8nZ29GHz0/s1600/1379522_10202413526162528_1910197234_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0SBccfrzeetj0EwMuzBKVu17ZXhHfiGMXuA2cZAQlC29QBrt9gXTH0-LHEyzSIB4CNCmzxI3cu6sja43fjYx_h7P0_8lMKUvk-ZPEqH-ATfmtP1ZDDYCOqxFY10-qp2CB1S8nZ29GHz0/s640/1379522_10202413526162528_1910197234_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Last night, as I was falling asleep, Tom was watching a show about a murdered boy.<br />
And they interviewed the Mother and asked her about her son and what she felt with his loss.<br />
I was prepared to hear how angry she was. <br />
But instead she had incredible faith.<br />
<br />
She said she imagined he was in a meadow somewhere soaking up the sun.<br />
Enjoying his time.<br />
Free from the pain of his death.<br />
Free from this world.<br />
<br />
And they asked her how she was feeling having lost a son<br />
and she said she has been forever changed.<br />
<br />
I know exactly how she feels. <br />
And I'm grateful that my son was not taken from me by a vicious murder.<br />
I'm grateful it was not a sudden accident that ended his life.<br />
I had time to prepare.<br />
I had picked where I wanted his body to go.<br />
I had talked about eternal life and the resurrection with his siblings.<br />
And when he passed, I was able to let him go.<br />
<br />
I think this trial has been a very good one for me, personally.<br />
Forever changed because I <em>know</em> there is a God in heaven.<br />
He has provided, so much, even in my loss.<br />
I cannot deny that he has been here carrying me through the storm. <br />
I have been forever changed too ♥</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-62356384438255055192013-10-09T22:56:00.001-07:002013-10-22T19:21:25.381-07:00Returned With Honor<div style="text-align: center;">
Today we were with Charlotte's cousins. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My nephews.<br />
They are that adorable kind of boys. <br />
They remind me of my boys. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Big beautiful eyes.<br />
Unbelievable eyelashes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And as we were leaving a store, a friend I've not seen in a long time, greeted me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She looked down at Charlotte, then next to her, my nephew.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This nephew is only older than Bradley by 4 months.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He does everything Bradley never did.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He talks. He walks. He's curious. He giggles. He runs.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Her eyes got very big and she said pointing at my nephew, "He's doing SO good!" </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She thought it was Bradley.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I told her he was my nephew with a chuckle.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And her heart sank as she said, "Where is Bradley?"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hugged her and I told her Bradley was in Heaven.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She got tears in her eyes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I guess she hadn't heard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I thought everyone had. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3qWLtuKosQpdGf6uIPLJT5810xRJ2SlHvtDSbAybQQi__v7jzWMf6VTixxQQJHCfIa9imzOAyAt8x-xbkAOVZsg3v8Yb3PqAGrXjzbkbZgK_8uMvXCr9XmwACoJ0tJtv_VQYr4bH_exc/s1600/bradley%2527ssunset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3qWLtuKosQpdGf6uIPLJT5810xRJ2SlHvtDSbAybQQi__v7jzWMf6VTixxQQJHCfIa9imzOAyAt8x-xbkAOVZsg3v8Yb3PqAGrXjzbkbZgK_8uMvXCr9XmwACoJ0tJtv_VQYr4bH_exc/s640/bradley%2527ssunset.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She got more tears in her eyes as she told me, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
she knew we were the perfect family for Bradley to have come to.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I told her I was grateful I knew he was in Heaven with Jesus.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I told her about the respiratory failure.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I told her where we buried his body.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I told her he had served his two year mission and had returned with honor.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4NzSDDUwybTSVG50tn69YO9izoPXwrIXEMK2yHQrALjagna4H1-VfdZthpS53bjrgf5-B4LJmO6ix5SrsRDFuQS7FB3E8aOgBOYx2_AJlTh-M6In8wIFUvR19YRQ1nvDBX-Sbn7pmRXQ/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4NzSDDUwybTSVG50tn69YO9izoPXwrIXEMK2yHQrALjagna4H1-VfdZthpS53bjrgf5-B4LJmO6ix5SrsRDFuQS7FB3E8aOgBOYx2_AJlTh-M6In8wIFUvR19YRQ1nvDBX-Sbn7pmRXQ/s640/003.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I am so proud of him for so many reasons.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
He never walked, talked, giggled, asked questions, or ran around a store.</div>
<div align="center">
But he effected people.</div>
<div align="center">
Everyone remembers him.</div>
<div align="center">
He was quiet but unique.</div>
<div align="center">
And he has left ripples. </div>
<div align="center">
All across a pool of people.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Tom said tonight at dinner, </div>
<div align="center">
after I recounted the story, </div>
<div align="center">
that he is sure Bradley was and is a somebody in Heaven. </div>
<div align="center">
A very righteous disciple of Christ. </div>
<div align="center">
That he was not a fence sitter.</div>
<div align="center">
That he knew who he served </div>
<div align="center">
when he took the body he was given.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And his salvation was guaranteed through his sacrifice.</div>
<div align="center">
It's a lesson I've learned over and over.</div>
<div align="center">
"Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven";</div>
<div align="center">
especially for Bradley!</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-59372545461410052292013-10-05T22:06:00.000-07:002013-10-05T22:10:03.801-07:00The Crown and The Conflict<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
There is a headstone by Bradley's grave that says, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
"The Crown Without the Conflict."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The baby beneath the headstone, lived for one day. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I know that baby will wear a crown. </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhts3KIpmNI8VLvPGcTUoUvoJnKXQukph52nJ41Wgea_GaMGVDHHKr1ZF2xK0oEhTM4i7SzAzCwXIfcjmQSmFrcsYFqPsP-kNB7X-gYg9NEZOXa0z24j9H5zosuY06jlOA8B5ikt9ITSgI/s1600/1384260_10202321107692124_989911724_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhts3KIpmNI8VLvPGcTUoUvoJnKXQukph52nJ41Wgea_GaMGVDHHKr1ZF2xK0oEhTM4i7SzAzCwXIfcjmQSmFrcsYFqPsP-kNB7X-gYg9NEZOXa0z24j9H5zosuY06jlOA8B5ikt9ITSgI/s640/1384260_10202321107692124_989911724_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But every time I see it, I think about how much conflict Bradley had. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
How Bradley earned every bit of the crown that he will wear.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He suffered <em>so</em> much!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I am grateful I had him for more then <em>one</em> day. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm grateful his spirit filled our home.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm grateful he submitted his spirit to that broken body, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
so that I could hold him in my arms.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlsF__TfkQ3jLJdyOUtm9xH3H_8VxvWxCv7a3xlILtQFSRP_Y6FG2l7KnFJe-ar941cldVRg4Q3HYHCN31ZAElz9gncw3Q85hvEHAH7l_jkwCoRBbyvB2Up1WmRBOf4muH4DPKD5pOenQ/s1600/1374938_10202321110932205_1991410002_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlsF__TfkQ3jLJdyOUtm9xH3H_8VxvWxCv7a3xlILtQFSRP_Y6FG2l7KnFJe-ar941cldVRg4Q3HYHCN31ZAElz9gncw3Q85hvEHAH7l_jkwCoRBbyvB2Up1WmRBOf4muH4DPKD5pOenQ/s640/1374938_10202321110932205_1991410002_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know with every particle of my body, that Bradley will wear a crown someday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know that he will be radiant when I see him again. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYmI6gK5iHiXKkjxDC5YZKV8h3KAG1nt8NGCuPBqtz82p5fdMsZc2xUdZxO0k4D2pfGydGzj7Mh3KfqiMbXuuGoXU0r8TVNSARlG5UP5Mcy6m63aXksdF0VOZl2dxc6_dsrbvCqQwps8/s1600/1377191_10202321109372166_423915585_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYmI6gK5iHiXKkjxDC5YZKV8h3KAG1nt8NGCuPBqtz82p5fdMsZc2xUdZxO0k4D2pfGydGzj7Mh3KfqiMbXuuGoXU0r8TVNSARlG5UP5Mcy6m63aXksdF0VOZl2dxc6_dsrbvCqQwps8/s640/1377191_10202321109372166_423915585_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQcEhmS33JwK6jSRMfLVZYfT7F-yJ5RUf8G0rH9FU52EK75BqO4S_1HwZDQbR2ZJrYFJkBUuGIYu9jAQYXkd-fCFT_q5cI4EAmv4BM-V1BuqEAM5qaWYFDuY2IPHM4OMmgx3iYauzk8As/s1600/1377191_10202321109372166_423915585_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Right before we closed the casket, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I thought about pulling his body out and running away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wanted to hold him one more time.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I touched his chest, and bent down to kiss him,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I felt how cold he was, and I knew that it was only his body that was left.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This is the hard part.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The sad and treacherous, longing for him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And tonight I realized there has to be a crown for me too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am enduring a conflict now.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
All this time, I've been thinking about Bradley being saved.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I think the lord will have mercy on me too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This suffering.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This separation.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If I'm worthy, I will wear a crown someday. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He knows my sacrifice so personally.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
There will be a crown for my conflict!!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm grateful that I learned that today. </div>
<br />Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-10926165772033193102013-10-02T23:22:00.001-07:002013-10-22T19:24:57.967-07:00Rock, Paper, Scissors<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk-QYZqZAece7mM-3m-BvPa8ExOYARTY_LdbM9_KTup1okH4bO6pRT167KNQH7KkMw-E5dIxJY8H1xYcrN31U3LsAcD4mOzYckzbR7D0MtNQdWtXpOhnn5vFGLZ5oVIcRCvDcKE8XiH3k/s1600/1382042_10202299333467782_650345335_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk-QYZqZAece7mM-3m-BvPa8ExOYARTY_LdbM9_KTup1okH4bO6pRT167KNQH7KkMw-E5dIxJY8H1xYcrN31U3LsAcD4mOzYckzbR7D0MtNQdWtXpOhnn5vFGLZ5oVIcRCvDcKE8XiH3k/s640/1382042_10202299333467782_650345335_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The other night I was crying about missing Bradley. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
How empty my arms are feeling. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
How empty the pictures I'm taking are.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
How empty our moments and memories are feeling.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGB-Crc6VW7IPS_GQQvQsVFGNxGdUCtyJOmNku8MLns_JAn0sds6nb67jQ7HHaDxEB0JtqDfHfUgSpZK1K_-kWGKb8SnNE90HHSnyxEZHq-1kEIDK3PojhkQrVMNEze57vQ98_w_XRZNo/s1600/1374712_10202299334667812_1623147656_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGB-Crc6VW7IPS_GQQvQsVFGNxGdUCtyJOmNku8MLns_JAn0sds6nb67jQ7HHaDxEB0JtqDfHfUgSpZK1K_-kWGKb8SnNE90HHSnyxEZHq-1kEIDK3PojhkQrVMNEze57vQ98_w_XRZNo/s640/1374712_10202299334667812_1623147656_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="center">
And Jacob came and got in bed with me and asked if I was missing Bradley.</div>
<div align="center">
I told him, I was, as I wiped my tears on his shirt.</div>
<div align="center">
And Jacob said he was too. </div>
<div align="center">
He said he wished he could play Rock, Paper, Scissors with Bradley again.</div>
<div align="center">
I started laughing and told him I didn't know they had played that game together.</div>
<div align="center">
And Jacob explained that Bradley was always paper.</div>
<div align="center">
And if Jacob wanted to beat Bradley, he would be scissors.</div>
<div align="center">
And if Jacob wanted Bradley to win, he would be rock.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcZFgmznhSm7osYl733j1NXYV3aXq5DB2fFQ7dXQ11YJ2NTnxOE2kP0-BoKd3tvR7caH9-zygH8euneF2mKRIfXbtb2L13I3rhBizmXdSLV_TwvJPeK12leJ23Q-uIjedRX7bNs0sZnWw/s1600/1374074_10202299333507783_1922506196_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcZFgmznhSm7osYl733j1NXYV3aXq5DB2fFQ7dXQ11YJ2NTnxOE2kP0-BoKd3tvR7caH9-zygH8euneF2mKRIfXbtb2L13I3rhBizmXdSLV_TwvJPeK12leJ23Q-uIjedRX7bNs0sZnWw/s640/1374074_10202299333507783_1922506196_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are redecorating the house. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Trying to make the house peaceful.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also doing jobs we have neglected for two years because of our stress and grief.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And the toys have been out of control and needing to go somewhere.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My children are out growing them too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I had to move the girls back into the big bedroom, in order to move the toys into Jacob's room.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Bradley and Jacob went into the big bedroom when Bradley got the nurse.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Made sense that Bradley get the big room,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
since he had more medical equipment then the girls.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoaZiRVRW1e4WUo16FsOf45_MjUfvwI1jp9FSAITQy6x-2e85RgH6Eyphtkh0lEtiTmtnWrA_a5SCP3-QlSie90yOBfd66ul5VXZ55eHwBPBA2kVnsRQxx5-kXPJgk4Q75eJ1sU9-tg2I/s1600/1374712_10202299334707813_1831647598_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoaZiRVRW1e4WUo16FsOf45_MjUfvwI1jp9FSAITQy6x-2e85RgH6Eyphtkh0lEtiTmtnWrA_a5SCP3-QlSie90yOBfd66ul5VXZ55eHwBPBA2kVnsRQxx5-kXPJgk4Q75eJ1sU9-tg2I/s640/1374712_10202299334707813_1831647598_n.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And as they have come to pick up the medical equipment, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have realized the only personal possessions Bradley had were his clothes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's hard to even have toys when you are blind. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
At one point Bradley had tons of toys for therapy, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but most had been taken by Charlotte and used for her dolls.<br />
And Bradley did not mind.<br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tonight I cleaned out the dresser we were using for him. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
His life had been so hectic. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So progressively, regressive. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Everything, I saved to be done after he got here, never happened. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He never even had a dresser.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was using an old buffet that was perfect for his medical supplies along with his clothes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So he never got a chest of drawers like the other kids.<br />
And Bradley did not complain.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tonight I unloaded the buffet that wasn't his; </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that he only used because of the medical supplies.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I took the last things out of the drawers, which were his clothes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
His beautiful clothes that smell like him. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The t-shirts with funny words.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The clothes he wore in every picture I have of him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The clothes which hold so many memories.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I loaded them into a storage box with a tight fitting lid. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm hoping the tightness of the lid helps them to never lose their scent.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And when I was looking for the perfect box in the closet, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I came across hand-me-downs from Jacob,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that Bradley was supposed to fit into someday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Which is harder? </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The clothes he actually wore?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Or the clothes I hoped he would one day wear?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've lost a child.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've lost a friend.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've lost a purpose.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But it's a strange loss. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The regression was so cruel the last year, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was not planning much for his future. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Planning for his future would nearly paralyzed me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And now I'm just empty.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm lacking.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I've been lacking a while.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was gone a long time ago, in so many ways.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wish I could go back to this time, <br />
before the 20+ seizure days.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ0YXxP0nZ6XdcPZcnuBYO5-9nuPiiAEOFhmdISEZwQ7eum0-WaJmfMc1xeiDJiBwv1URR_8x0yQ_yBmvH1PXIi_fAq8iANUFIT4oODoroPgNX3O00mqZI_GoeS6EElLoZ6WMPauyk-qg/s1600/019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ0YXxP0nZ6XdcPZcnuBYO5-9nuPiiAEOFhmdISEZwQ7eum0-WaJmfMc1xeiDJiBwv1URR_8x0yQ_yBmvH1PXIi_fAq8iANUFIT4oODoroPgNX3O00mqZI_GoeS6EElLoZ6WMPauyk-qg/s640/019.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Pray that I can have a dream about him soon. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
One where I can see him crawl or walk or smile. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I miss my baby. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But I've been missing him for longer then 3.5 weeks.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's been slow, progressive regression.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm crying tonight for everything lost. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Everything.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-16475623383224991362013-09-29T20:49:00.002-07:002013-09-29T21:28:11.924-07:00Mending A Smashed Toe and A Broken Heart<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZuKaGzw4n1GduQzj7VfcSFxah7xMmPaA-SQxLqYr8LS-8YySYsyTr08bQaCBnIF33jC2NYUkSnCUXTU_F3Qu98WnknVmhkHCOhPeVmEGZ6at6coezSOb9dqH-CIrJmk-u2K8FMFwwKQw/s1600/15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZuKaGzw4n1GduQzj7VfcSFxah7xMmPaA-SQxLqYr8LS-8YySYsyTr08bQaCBnIF33jC2NYUkSnCUXTU_F3Qu98WnknVmhkHCOhPeVmEGZ6at6coezSOb9dqH-CIrJmk-u2K8FMFwwKQw/s640/15.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Whenever anyone is sick or hurt it takes me back <br />
to that place that only Bradley has taken me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Fear for life. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Precious breath which is given by God. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Breath that can be taken from us at anytime. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Because he is in control and we are not.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think this is a lesson I am going to revisit many times in my life. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQbL6ImMxs44wwHgye5Kap_0zm-A4Y8H4Hfw_ZUWfeEHgbdad2r_CVH4MzW8m_TRHPbveImI5hoUOVTlzX9P4CEQk5xCmiMXwKsy6uYpt3hpwhXlqRJ2QSy0KHjOuPOqjUWTUSMtI5DGo/s1600/17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQbL6ImMxs44wwHgye5Kap_0zm-A4Y8H4Hfw_ZUWfeEHgbdad2r_CVH4MzW8m_TRHPbveImI5hoUOVTlzX9P4CEQk5xCmiMXwKsy6uYpt3hpwhXlqRJ2QSy0KHjOuPOqjUWTUSMtI5DGo/s640/17.jpg" width="478" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We have received so many condolence cards and letters. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've been surprised how many have come from doctors and therapists. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They really did and do care.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just hated everything about the medical side of his life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's very hard for me to accept medical care, I guess. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't gravitate naturally to it. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I guess that is why I'm more comfortable birthing my babies at the foot of my bed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I've always fought against my natural preference, if I knew it would help my children.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONtGlBHIwYmHSJN5d6ClYXrFydcokTg5LOnbBdyyDd1bVdvCoipI2TdtvH4km8BNvPNMlBYWGPlVnt0fCtlxf082T7L9wkV47nWqniv-jc0na6nhqBQUXpkWtQrPMbt1QowLAEHiEuik/s1600/14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONtGlBHIwYmHSJN5d6ClYXrFydcokTg5LOnbBdyyDd1bVdvCoipI2TdtvH4km8BNvPNMlBYWGPlVnt0fCtlxf082T7L9wkV47nWqniv-jc0na6nhqBQUXpkWtQrPMbt1QowLAEHiEuik/s640/14.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Charlotte smashed her toe this week. <br />
She squished it when a heavy barstool fell on our stone floor.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The impact popped a hole in the end of her toe, <br />
spewing cartilage onto the stone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It turned black instantly.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I started balling when I saw it. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I couldn't handle another one of my babies suffering.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I held her and rocked back and forth. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Crying and aching for both Charlotte and Bradley.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Then I realized she should probably go into the ER. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
See if it needed stiches or had a broken bone or something.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We went to St. Rose,<br />
because Sunrise is the best, <br />
but I couldn't bear the thought of going there.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They took an x-ray that was normal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They gave us a Band-Aid and Neosporin.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And sent us home.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Told us to come back if it looked infected or if she ran a fever.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8h-CTvrS_sotKfEn-1Ghn9ybDdvp93yRSwb8PhkfUNpXHRMcNeP-FxgDqDIU-ow5GTxImTMex6B1pOk6adMRH_XNM97Vv6Bin9CdJ5u1eMG74E8j0SarnCjl4Lc9ittqJV58toUAH1fQ/s1600/16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8h-CTvrS_sotKfEn-1Ghn9ybDdvp93yRSwb8PhkfUNpXHRMcNeP-FxgDqDIU-ow5GTxImTMex6B1pOk6adMRH_XNM97Vv6Bin9CdJ5u1eMG74E8j0SarnCjl4Lc9ittqJV58toUAH1fQ/s640/16.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="center">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Ironically, she did get a fever the very next day. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And by 5pm she was throwing up.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I knew I had to take her to the best hospital if she had a possible infection.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So Tom and I and all the kids headed down to Sunrise.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The ride was so nostalgic and heartbreaking.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
A weird mix of sad memories about my Bradley.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Memories of fear mixed with everything we have been through together.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We walked into the familiar waiting room </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and every single nurse who has ever helped Bradley was working in triage that night.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We filled out paperwork for Charlotte and because she had a </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
fever associated with a wound they let her back very quickly.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
When we got into triage they looked at all of my kids and said with curiosity in their eyes,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
"Are these <em>all</em> the kids you have?'</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I burst into tears and told them I was Bradley Brinkerhoff's mommy, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and that he had passed 2 weeks ago.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
That he had been referred to hospice care by Dr. Nakamaura, 9 months ago.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And he had died of respiratory failure, like every doctor had said he would.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
All of the nurses got very sad looks in their eyes and told me they were sorry.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It was obvious they didn't want me to cry.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They took us back to a familiar room. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They repeated the x-ray which was normal, again.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They said the site didn't look infected.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They said that it was too soon for that degree of infection to have developed.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They said it was probably a coincidence she had a fever and was throwing up.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And they let us go home.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I was relieved nothing was wrong</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and they didn't have to poke another one of my babies.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx9ie72LYn9yxQpQvPBc2F62IUZ6ptHueZqTbY-_MZ5n5vuv4tJIrV1A-vJEkfF7EqlJ3RLxqGEtelYKc13ldD8QewNaDyCK7RafIAJUgtZGxtbGkyI-tBATWkBwHX-o79zWbwhFlkvpU/s1600/13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx9ie72LYn9yxQpQvPBc2F62IUZ6ptHueZqTbY-_MZ5n5vuv4tJIrV1A-vJEkfF7EqlJ3RLxqGEtelYKc13ldD8QewNaDyCK7RafIAJUgtZGxtbGkyI-tBATWkBwHX-o79zWbwhFlkvpU/s640/13.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
When I got home I realized Heavenly Father </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
had given me the opportunity to find closure with that part of Bradley's life. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He let me tell the nurses who had helped us so much in the Sunrise ER.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I had wondered, when we went on hospice 9 months ago, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
if they would even notice when we stopped coming in. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
While it was painful to tell them, I'm glad they remembered him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
That they remembered him on their own and asked me. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It made me feel like he really </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
did effect hearts of the people in the hospital.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Grateful for that opportunity to tell them myself of his passing.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Grateful Charlotte is okay too.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I feel very taken care of.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-20329987101077027912013-09-19T16:49:00.000-07:002013-09-19T21:11:31.855-07:00The Butterfly <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Tender feelings today, as I walk around my house and think about my son.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He was my everything for the past two years. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And now he's gone.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And my house is so quiet.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Pictures and flowers decorate my house from the funeral.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I wish I could hold and kiss him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I wish I could smell his sweet little head one more time.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHEt8DDrElzM9OxhKVQLz5y3MmCJWB0rng6fBMDNLuh2_5hB4nJ_7WKUXoAjMdnLABUwRVBDKIXjvK7jalu3kzb6dZ4k-syAI0w7ju5yVzrh9R29T9Zo1sSPDYnZjUGeIZ2VqwiUpiTg0/s1600/graveside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHEt8DDrElzM9OxhKVQLz5y3MmCJWB0rng6fBMDNLuh2_5hB4nJ_7WKUXoAjMdnLABUwRVBDKIXjvK7jalu3kzb6dZ4k-syAI0w7ju5yVzrh9R29T9Zo1sSPDYnZjUGeIZ2VqwiUpiTg0/s640/graveside.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
But there is a sweetness, knowing he is finally safe.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Knowing no one can hurt him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No one will poke him with needles ever again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No more medicines or seizures.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No more annoying nasal cannula.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No more gasping for air.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No more being tied to cords and machines.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr9CHv0dL3fh3HFiEPG1Zzo_cZZz1cJnZFu6eXho37-OUBht2WKvt6vZTeKRKmg7IdSTr0HdDf_bD6XUMC0qKSP2VqRBFcUwUzyRvksoEDtlXnwgCScDEcwC9BX0FecogR5h-ljRbKE6g/s1600/gravesidefamily.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr9CHv0dL3fh3HFiEPG1Zzo_cZZz1cJnZFu6eXho37-OUBht2WKvt6vZTeKRKmg7IdSTr0HdDf_bD6XUMC0qKSP2VqRBFcUwUzyRvksoEDtlXnwgCScDEcwC9BX0FecogR5h-ljRbKE6g/s640/gravesidefamily.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That hard part of his existence is over.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I know he is not gone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He is still here.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He has just changed. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmpwnCzNvpvR-jCN7Y-b-XLE9KaTSYDUhBqDMFGD0zWj787NezktkV1bio9konBqkwogXKGVUjj8Qez3r2lq_gACm-7tCa23DILNA-qzEZ09ot3jJmEljFSY9y_QyihlT8GhVkVC7oovg/s1600/026.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmpwnCzNvpvR-jCN7Y-b-XLE9KaTSYDUhBqDMFGD0zWj787NezktkV1bio9konBqkwogXKGVUjj8Qez3r2lq_gACm-7tCa23DILNA-qzEZ09ot3jJmEljFSY9y_QyihlT8GhVkVC7oovg/s640/026.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Like a butterfly, he has morphed into something more.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He is free from that horrible cocoon that held him so tight. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But pain fills my soul when I think about cuddling him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was too short.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I <em>hate</em> degenerative brain diseases.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipMmJxhyphenhyphenheHdsMHYXwSfNxOLoTW8CiuoIv3O8gNrguYSW7WomebCBQPeI13H_At6OJDjaLbJmNM8sgZa7xS3FG9UyKM1k85oxqJGN-a9n6M-MLdZA8FDGmBCZG84RKZ0tj34BtU6FHC8E/s1600/007.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipMmJxhyphenhyphenheHdsMHYXwSfNxOLoTW8CiuoIv3O8gNrguYSW7WomebCBQPeI13H_At6OJDjaLbJmNM8sgZa7xS3FG9UyKM1k85oxqJGN-a9n6M-MLdZA8FDGmBCZG84RKZ0tj34BtU6FHC8E/s640/007.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
On the morning of his funeral my Aunt Edris found me and presented me with a tiny box.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
A box that had once belonged to my Grandma. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And she handed the box to me and told me, Grandma had asked her to give me this.<br />
Grandma had told her to give the black butterfly pin to Mary Gay, <br />
17 years ago, before her death.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And Edris had misplaced the pin, but found it again one day, recently.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And she remembered when she saw it that it was intended for me.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I opened the box and saw the black butterfly pin.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I had seen my Grandma Wanda wear it many times.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And now it was mine.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Seventeen years after her death, Grandma Wanda sent me the message </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
that Bradley was flying free from the pains of this world.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And that Bradley is not gone. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He has just changed. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZmJCy5oCPCj3IiGgExHWMoJKyQHuLAjLgwIL4xde51P6Z91hGcZQPUXn5RUA4Lp_2K_5O8okKqhadcMFLnCaJYPXEPRK7UR8Z-J16mSH45i503wW8UDYY8smpeiPfLxGVmFFhIoL456U/s1600/011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZmJCy5oCPCj3IiGgExHWMoJKyQHuLAjLgwIL4xde51P6Z91hGcZQPUXn5RUA4Lp_2K_5O8okKqhadcMFLnCaJYPXEPRK7UR8Z-J16mSH45i503wW8UDYY8smpeiPfLxGVmFFhIoL456U/s640/011.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Bradley the boy who changed everything about us, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
is now free to change himself.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And he is now honorably released from his mission on earth.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm very grateful Grandma sent me that message on the morning of his funeral.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Proud of Bradley and his completed mission. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
He is my butterfly. </div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-45564441812068658242013-09-10T20:25:00.000-07:002013-09-10T22:27:58.388-07:00Bradley Herrick Brinkerhoff, 7/20/11 - 9/7/13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<o:p></o:p> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicQ_1zvQt37tVoqZyZR3ROTAN2GfnOr8Rj70GNJjkpIeF3gg_CL5xBot_bwbNpCtQrihyphenhyphenErBBIgGqRCN_xm9mffv16WkwD_t8hV24cKRZHaJnTCTrj8FlcbKzfo4k3-8RU5PRQKAIe8d4/s1600/_3003674.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicQ_1zvQt37tVoqZyZR3ROTAN2GfnOr8Rj70GNJjkpIeF3gg_CL5xBot_bwbNpCtQrihyphenhyphenErBBIgGqRCN_xm9mffv16WkwD_t8hV24cKRZHaJnTCTrj8FlcbKzfo4k3-8RU5PRQKAIe8d4/s640/_3003674.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span> </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5iBqCBOg9YsV_LskRmlNLsZYeV4f1rzu-7I6M98hLmb1K5PEbP-oCT3vfYpvdz-sWJaIcvepjNGdEgQPkITcDaZqk7f1iExVLYmGVZqhWt7NDDTAGL17HolkNi-72Q1KiF71eMJ5riSQ/s1600/_3003676.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5iBqCBOg9YsV_LskRmlNLsZYeV4f1rzu-7I6M98hLmb1K5PEbP-oCT3vfYpvdz-sWJaIcvepjNGdEgQPkITcDaZqk7f1iExVLYmGVZqhWt7NDDTAGL17HolkNi-72Q1KiF71eMJ5riSQ/s640/_3003676.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Bradley, we love you very much! </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I know we can live together forever!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">You have taught me so much!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I <3 U Bradley</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Love, Maddy, your Sister</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs-pyt4F26jaWyffogSwF-ASwb95Jr4ezLZ1H7Yp0FRyNkEMlAWALD1HMw4S87cYsaxF7xaTtXX1DTpTdVFKVewvw3zaakoBhq6RMOW81UpUYoqgTg0sy2p8PHB-7zTgbH8kztOv32vuM/s1600/_3003689.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs-pyt4F26jaWyffogSwF-ASwb95Jr4ezLZ1H7Yp0FRyNkEMlAWALD1HMw4S87cYsaxF7xaTtXX1DTpTdVFKVewvw3zaakoBhq6RMOW81UpUYoqgTg0sy2p8PHB-7zTgbH8kztOv32vuM/s640/_3003689.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicNxA9idRWMgGdUHMuasCgo3doWTNiuWgThuB8NL633rCSGrJ1ILAEtrPTQfS6Lu39ms24n_FweSFr-mz8PGhyJknxfMrWqu1hoDdkUOGbg6psIljwWx9zJmY0V9P0i8yUJQ1xSHmtc7w/s1600/_3003696.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicNxA9idRWMgGdUHMuasCgo3doWTNiuWgThuB8NL633rCSGrJ1ILAEtrPTQfS6Lu39ms24n_FweSFr-mz8PGhyJknxfMrWqu1hoDdkUOGbg6psIljwWx9zJmY0V9P0i8yUJQ1xSHmtc7w/s640/_3003696.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I love you Bradley. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">You have taught us a lot of things about our life.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I love you Bradley. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Love, Jacob</span> </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilOvWg1F2nzQlbcJXH1ARF8Xch6lcE2CREo0wnACrP177lq7n4F6mRP1Lrg8-0zFJG_ruDAxKsmcNxy_MRfOUHo3e9Li8Z6cwrTZ_PYJsdJYwCHTBBKHxa_AtP51fCUkmCt-ijGgniF1E/s1600/_3003704.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilOvWg1F2nzQlbcJXH1ARF8Xch6lcE2CREo0wnACrP177lq7n4F6mRP1Lrg8-0zFJG_ruDAxKsmcNxy_MRfOUHo3e9Li8Z6cwrTZ_PYJsdJYwCHTBBKHxa_AtP51fCUkmCt-ijGgniF1E/s640/_3003704.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I love you, Bradley.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Love, Charlotte</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii_KAHN-UI8WHuCZDOu5P2XwdikeZGmbTqXHhJCdN0Ms2M5rBgJHpU4ujTiW01hN2FekTEYuP5NpfwQJLk86YLrI57ryXqbfSrTeGNlNbfB1nUVrjROuaqE80ju6SE5qmgG-5_U4nuPE8/s1600/_3003719.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii_KAHN-UI8WHuCZDOu5P2XwdikeZGmbTqXHhJCdN0Ms2M5rBgJHpU4ujTiW01hN2FekTEYuP5NpfwQJLk86YLrI57ryXqbfSrTeGNlNbfB1nUVrjROuaqE80ju6SE5qmgG-5_U4nuPE8/s640/_3003719.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfYP62iFobMQcZKKC6ToxjH0qRnjAMRyJ-O7AWtGQ026GCIDGDsfrtUYjQTAc7ZCsasO_3VxXV8tujwkhZyfyuTNv07vx0zLDPX4azfj_E2RNp3oFaqZzE8-0Q7SlHRRrwmFLiI7Sdz5g/s1600/_3003655.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfYP62iFobMQcZKKC6ToxjH0qRnjAMRyJ-O7AWtGQ026GCIDGDsfrtUYjQTAc7ZCsasO_3VxXV8tujwkhZyfyuTNv07vx0zLDPX4azfj_E2RNp3oFaqZzE8-0Q7SlHRRrwmFLiI7Sdz5g/s640/_3003655.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Bradley Herrick Brinkerhoff, returned to his heavenly home </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">in the early morning hours of September 7, 2013.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">He passed in our home, surrounded by his loving parents, brother and sisters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">He leaves behind his Mother and Father, Mary and Tom,</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> beautiful Sister Madeleine, brave brother Jacob and loving Sister Charlotte.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">He is also survived by his grandparents Gay and Steven Sluder,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">and Lori and Kent Brinkerhoff.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; mso-spacerun: yes;">His Aunts; Jennifer Rubio, Laura Bunnell, Cynthia Sluder, Beth Sluder, Natalie Tappan, Tamara Hansen, Shalee Brinkerhoff and Kristina Brinkerhoff. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; mso-spacerun: yes;"> His Uncles; Jose Rubio, Zwieba Bunnell, Steven Sluder II, John Sluder, Trampus Tappan, Joseph Hansen, and Paul Brinkerhoff.
</span></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> And his twenty-nine first cousins;
</span></span></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span></span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Emily, Jose Jr, Isabelle, Wendy, Juan-Steven, </span></span></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Samuel, Sarah, Adam, Eliza, Benjamin, Alice, Naomi, </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Megan, Haley, Brooke, Ryan, </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Addyson, Kate, Luke, Jack, </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Megan, Vesta, </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Heidi, Kent, Benjamin, Samantha, </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Aiden, Evan and Ashton. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">In his short life, </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">he did not receive the opportunity to walk, talk, or see </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">but his spirit affected the lives of all he knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He suffered from many health problems but did not complain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">His vision was not limited to his “earth stuff”,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> he could see the greater purpose of life, </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">to p<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode";">rogress toward perfection and ultimately realize </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode";"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">his divine destiny as an heir of eternal life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode";">We appreciate you letting us serve you, </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode";">by humbly submitting your </span>amazing spirit to a broken body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">We learned from you, loved you, </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">played with you, served you and walked for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">We all love you and are grateful </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">for your enduring influence in our life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Until we are together again, </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">enjoy walking with our Savior in Paradise.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">By Tom Brinkerhoff</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-1757513911042387352013-09-07T15:37:00.003-07:002013-09-08T11:16:10.880-07:00The Day He Returned to Heaven<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwe6t2Bo4gZ0WCAR9xTIGnn_sW3UZk3GTLNxloXfgvhSHS_MTlwLvnhsuCTVy8HVkFMsf0yci921ytDhiXWZb6c472HsIeRK70fHJmyG1B1-yYe1KbFv6QNyLjbOPsayDzrgRUVm_GguQ/s1600/002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwe6t2Bo4gZ0WCAR9xTIGnn_sW3UZk3GTLNxloXfgvhSHS_MTlwLvnhsuCTVy8HVkFMsf0yci921ytDhiXWZb6c472HsIeRK70fHJmyG1B1-yYe1KbFv6QNyLjbOPsayDzrgRUVm_GguQ/s640/002.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I have to record this.</div>
<div align="center">
It's so fresh and beautiful, I don't ever want to forget it. </div>
<div align="center">
I don't ever want to forget him.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
At first we thought it was a cold. </div>
<div align="center">
A sickness in his chest. </div>
<div align="center">
Coughing. Mucus.</div>
<div align="center">
Congestion.</div>
<div align="center">
I think part of it was an infection.</div>
<div align="center">
An infection that went quickly through his lungs.</div>
<div align="center">
But I know a lot of it was his brain too. </div>
<div align="center">
That tiny brain of his that would never work right!</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
He wasn't breathing on Friday morning at 5am when I woke up.</div>
<div align="center">
Tom took his saturation level and saw he was in the 60s. </div>
<div align="center">
Tom turned up the oxygen, higher then normal.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I got home from a beautiful sunrise hike.</div>
<div align="center">
And I checked him. </div>
<div align="center">
He did need even-more oxygen. <br />
I texted Bradley's nurse.</div>
<div align="center">
The nurse told me to put Bradley on an oxygen tank so I could turn the oxygen level even higher.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
All through the day Bradley struggled to breath. </div>
<div align="center">
His neck would sink in and his nostrils would flair when he'd gasp for air.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And his nurse came out.</div>
<div align="center">
And we talked about going to the hospital.</div>
<div align="center">
We talked about antibiotics for the suspected infection. </div>
<div align="center">
He ordered some medications and more oxygen tanks for us to stay home.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And he left. And I stayed by Bradley's side. <br />
I knew he was struggling. </div>
<div align="center">
But he has struggled a lot, and I didn't know how soon it'd be.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And Tom got home from work, <br />
and I laid on the bed next to Bradley with all of our kids around us.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And Tom said he was grey when he saw Bradley. </div>
<div align="center">
And we checked his saturation.<br />
And he was at a 30.<br />
Healthy people are at 100.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And we realized the tank had run out. <br />
And we switched it out. </div>
<div align="center">
And we realized how much he was dependent on the oxygen then.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
He struggled some more to breath. <br />
And Jacob came home from a play date with his best friend. </div>
<div align="center">
And Bradley knew that we were all home. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And Bradley squeaked between the gasps. <br />
Sounded like he was trying to talk to us.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And he was given a blessing. <br />
And Tom knew it was getting close.</div>
<div align="center">
And he gasped and we turned up the oxygen even higher.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And he wore his pulse ox consistently, for the first time in his life, in my home. </div>
<div align="center">
I have never liked his medical equipment. </div>
<div align="center">
I loathe it.</div>
<div align="center">
And I let him wear the probe continuously only<br />
so I would know when he was passing.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And he dropped to 25, even with the oxygen, and I knew it would be soon. </div>
<div align="center">
And Tom woke the big kids up.</div>
<div align="center">
And I told them Bradley was passing.</div>
<div align="center">
And they cried and held his hands and feet.</div>
<div align="center">
And I stroked his head. </div>
<div align="center">
And I called my Mom and she facetimed with Bradley as he faded.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And as he took his last few breaths, he closed his eyes and went to sleep.</div>
<div align="center">
And suddenly his heart rate was at a zero too.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And he was gone.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And the grief flowed freely from us all.</div>
<div align="center">
The kids called his name and asked him not to go.</div>
<div align="center">
But he was gone.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I picked him up.</div>
<div align="center">
He was a rag doll in my arms.</div>
<div align="center">
And he was gone.</div>
<div align="center">
At exactly 1:30am he had returned to his heavenly home. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And I was left his earthly body.</div>
<div align="center">
And I took the body to his room. </div>
<div align="center">
Jacob wanted him to stay with him one more night. </div>
<div align="center">
And I changed the sheets and his socks and wrapped a blanket all around him.</div>
<div align="center">
And I laid him down on his bed.<br />
And he and Jacob spent their last earthly night next to each other.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And they picked his body up this morning. <br />
And the zipper of the body bag was so loud.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
My tiny son is gone for now. <br />
But I will see him again.</div>
<div align="center">
I will see that strong young man, I've seen before in my dreams. </div>
<div align="center">
The attractive young man who looks like Tom.</div>
<div align="center">
The one with the handsome smile.</div>
<div align="center">
And I am grateful for the tender mercies of his passing.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
He died in my bed, like I had wanted.</div>
<div align="center">
Only a few feet from where he was born.</div>
<div align="center">
We were all around him. </div>
<div align="center">
And he <em>was</em> and<em> is</em> resting in peace. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-91635681224729977382013-08-26T23:09:00.001-07:002013-08-26T23:16:18.741-07:00Summer of Peace<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZr77DO4TedNb66Fk__fIvlkImLxCFdilRaJHE8nQKDLMGdWCf_TrG4MW12g_vmduTvn7z8q9_NgXcNwYMuHtMzfmdN6M5zuQta4p54VVjyP8anVaNxSpQGs11YyTyqrCI2MKC36XkIM/s1600/017.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZr77DO4TedNb66Fk__fIvlkImLxCFdilRaJHE8nQKDLMGdWCf_TrG4MW12g_vmduTvn7z8q9_NgXcNwYMuHtMzfmdN6M5zuQta4p54VVjyP8anVaNxSpQGs11YyTyqrCI2MKC36XkIM/s640/017.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We have had a very peaceful summer. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Days filled with work and love.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm pretty sure that is God's plan for all of us. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Work and Love.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGQwg0I8CVpjWlC8wqI2fjLmIU-jIPy7sDBsoIm_vlHi6GZIb7gdmn2dtHhYht77U4D7j_9XbyPEJRH6KXG1O_H4sNBTPCkDZfW_W74JhDb2-utxJcBNe5O3_AFCTL7hBswaOUEEps_AM/s1600/026.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGQwg0I8CVpjWlC8wqI2fjLmIU-jIPy7sDBsoIm_vlHi6GZIb7gdmn2dtHhYht77U4D7j_9XbyPEJRH6KXG1O_H4sNBTPCkDZfW_W74JhDb2-utxJcBNe5O3_AFCTL7hBswaOUEEps_AM/s640/026.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The kids and I have had 3 totally uninterrupted months of doing what we want.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Not running to appointments.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Not even having to be home for appointments. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And Bradley's Grand Mal seizures have calmed. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
On the RARE occasion that I do see one, they do not cluster, like before. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Peace and calm.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq1-lc7wIN_Dku-y6auUaPzjB1P32Ug2Lal5m3AUlY5q3Nx1RvNPU5_XrZXgJly1jeHP89eApVV_uA-EWUmAXag5xr6uY5zwbCH22yM2tDLd-9QYpkHFTsa055FA2w0leJutRZLZFVUso/s1600/024.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq1-lc7wIN_Dku-y6auUaPzjB1P32Ug2Lal5m3AUlY5q3Nx1RvNPU5_XrZXgJly1jeHP89eApVV_uA-EWUmAXag5xr6uY5zwbCH22yM2tDLd-9QYpkHFTsa055FA2w0leJutRZLZFVUso/s640/024.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He is still stuck looking up most days.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He's still requiring the O2. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He still has the occasional apnea spell.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He still has not progressed, but at least the regression has stopped. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And on Sunday night, Tom gave all the kids a Father's blessing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And asked that each of them have peace and comfort as we start this school year.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That each of them feel comfort as they face the future with their brother.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDRdhsIP7Hszn8EGCjYVzFmaclBFbk3y2BAXPposBO0QKBTBpFn6F4jmHFbxcYS3BGEJWn1c1jrmWQF_JTUdqV1upBAX3zJglGG07g6QyulonUUEf5ilOPh-MO-de9eJtsKemtf7dNZBs/s1600/028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDRdhsIP7Hszn8EGCjYVzFmaclBFbk3y2BAXPposBO0QKBTBpFn6F4jmHFbxcYS3BGEJWn1c1jrmWQF_JTUdqV1upBAX3zJglGG07g6QyulonUUEf5ilOPh-MO-de9eJtsKemtf7dNZBs/s640/028.JPG" width="422" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And I am prepared for whatever the Lord decides to do with my Bradley. </div>
<div align="center">
I will continue to share him, if that is what the Lord wants. </div>
<div align="center">
And if the Lord takes him tomorrow, I am prepared for that too.</div>
<div align="center">
Because for the first time since his birth, I've been able to FINALLY enjoy him!!</div>
<div align="center">
To hold and cuddle him.</div>
<div align="center">
To be with him.</div>
<div align="center">
To play with him.</div>
<div align="center">
To enjoy him. And not worry.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Thank you Lord for this blissful summer of peace.</div>
<div align="center">
I will never forget it <3</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3015094074467485797.post-17160556892126066102013-07-07T22:20:00.000-07:002013-07-07T22:23:42.651-07:00Flaccid<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Bradley turns 2 years old in less then 2 weeks!</div>
As we approach his second birthday, I'm so grateful that we have had the time we have.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Each day more is a blessing, which I am grateful for.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm settling into something that I didn't know I'd ever be.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
My confidence is gaining. My understanding is deepening. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I am the Mommy of a miracle.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDysRNDBTNygA4HpRtr7NzUFNVguuxJIJ2OyXlIOAOOIpPENMeuY6D6yhUXMHbpebfeWSnNk3da49KKz_vDZJyemZzOf-m4_NlUlj3ayDbLYVKiHWx_2v7JT4tsUL0t6pu2atESxi49Bs/s1600/tinysuperheros.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDysRNDBTNygA4HpRtr7NzUFNVguuxJIJ2OyXlIOAOOIpPENMeuY6D6yhUXMHbpebfeWSnNk3da49KKz_vDZJyemZzOf-m4_NlUlj3ayDbLYVKiHWx_2v7JT4tsUL0t6pu2atESxi49Bs/s640/tinysuperheros.jpg" width="476" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div align="center">
One of Bradley's physical therapists was here for her monthly visit recently. </div>
<div align="center">
I really enjoyed the conversation.</div>
<div align="center">
Sometimes I think she comes to give<em> me</em> therapy!</div>
<div align="center">
And we were talking about muscle contractures. </div>
<div align="center">
I asked her more about them.</div>
<div align="center">
Every therapist, that has ever evaluated Bradley, has looked for muscle contractures.</div>
<div align="center">
I know what they are. </div>
<div align="center">
I see other kids with them. </div>
<div align="center">
The tightening of the muscles that cause their arms or legs to make unusual shapes.</div>
<div align="center">
Their mommies who work to stretch their arms and legs while they wait between appointments.</div>
<div align="center">
I've seen them. </div>
<div align="center">
And the therapist said that children with neurological disorders are prone to muscle contractures.</div>
<div align="center">
I said, "Well why doesn't Bradley have them then!?!"</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
And she finally cleared something up for me.</div>
<div align="center">
She said that Bradley appears to be more on the flaccid side. </div>
<div align="center">
Very loose.</div>
<div align="center">
Very relaxed. </div>
<div align="center">
That if he became spastic, he could get them, but for now she was glad to see he was loose.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I told her I wished he wasn't loose. I wish he held up his head and could sit!</div>
<div align="center">
And she said if she had to pick a way to be, it would be to be loose.</div>
<div align="center">
Loose like Bradley's muscles are.</div>
<div align="center">
Free and relaxed.</div>
<div align="center">
She said the tightness of the muscle contractures is painful; like a muscle cramp.</div>
<div align="center">
And it can cause great discomfort.</div>
<div align="center">
And I was suddenly grateful that Bradley has never held up his head.</div>
<div align="center">
For the first time since his birth, I was grateful for his flaccidity. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Bradley is such a sweetheart. </div>
<div align="center">
He is amazing to deal with this frustrating body like he does.</div>
<div align="center">
He continues on. </div>
<div align="center">
Never failing. </div>
<div align="center">
Never wavering from this weak body that cannot do more than a newborn's.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I know that Bradley will never walk in this life. </div>
<div align="center">
I don't think his brain can do it.</div>
<div align="center">
It cannot hold his muscles in the right way to make him do anything. </div>
<div align="center">
Instead of his brain making his muscles tight, it makes his muscles super loose.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I'm starting to come to peace with it. </div>
<div align="center">
It's okay. </div>
<div align="center">
He's always in a very relaxed position.</div>
<div align="center">
And I'm glad he is relaxed. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Isn't that what every Mother wants for her children? </div>
<div align="center">
Even what Heavenly Father wants for his children?</div>
<div align="center">
That we have peace.</div>
<div align="center">
That we are free. </div>
<div align="center">
That we are relaxed and not afraid and not tortured.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
Grateful for the loose nature of Bradley's muscles tonight. </div>
<div align="center">
Grateful he can have peace.</div>
<div align="center">
Grateful he can relax. </div>
<div align="center">
It finally is giving me peace because I can recognize that he is at peace.</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
I'm am grateful for peace tonight. </div>
<div align="center">
It has been an over looked blessing. </div>
<div align="center">
</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01005105953951578971noreply@blogger.com