Forgetting

It occurred to me, last week,

  I have a nice camera and I can take pictures of my kids!

So on Sunday, after church, while Tom was helping with tithing settlement,

I got all the kids dressed and took them over to the park.

We took a framed picture of Bradley and Bradley's picture chair too.

 

 

 

I got some photos of the kids with Bradley's framed picture too.

It was weird to worry about the glare on the glass and not his warm body anymore.

I miss his warm body.

 

And when I got home I did some editing.

And I uploaded some to a site to purchase Christmas Cards

and I spent about three hours going through all of the possible picture and card combinations.

 

Putting a picture, on the card, of the three kids.

Then replacing it with a picture of the three kids with Bradley's picture.

Neither felt right.

I mulled over it again and again.

 

I even signed one, "Love, Madeleine, Jacob, Charlotte and Bradley."

And at that pointed I realized, that Bradley could no longer sign the card.

He was gone.

He IS gone.

And putting up a picture of him does not bring him back,

because this is what my family looks like right now:

 

 

But I DID select a photo with his framed picture in it for the Christmas cards,

because I think this is the last time I can do that.

If I do it next year, Bradley's picture and age will look even more out of place.

 

 

 

Earlier this week I found one of Bradley's pacifiers.
I'm not embarrassed to say I quickly picked it up to smell it.

And I realized I cannot remember what his breath smelled like.

Time is cruel.

 

And today, in the car,

Charlotte told me that if I forget Bradley's name she will remind me what it is.

And that if I forget what Bradley looks like, I can take out my old pictures and remember.

And Charlotte innocently asked me if I'm forgetting about Bradley.

I told her I was starting to forget parts of his life.

I'm forgetting the medications he was on and things like that.

But I will never completely forget him.

I got tears in my eyes as I told her I could never forget any of my babies.

And I looked in the rearview mirror, saw her smile,

and I remembered perfectly the very first times I saw each of my babies.

How could I ever forget those memories?

 



The Headstone and Family Pictures

I was 9 weeks pregnant with Bradley in this picture.

He was on his way to earth.

 

Pictures are haunting me right now.

I'm having a hard time figuring how to go get current pictures done

with the holidays looming and the empty spot in our family.

I know no one expects a picture.

 But it's an internal fight.

A fight between me and my grief.

 

 His headstone arrived yesterday.

Charlotte and I stopped by for our usual visit, not knowing it had been installed.

And as I turned to look out in the grass to find him,
I saw the glimmer of the black shiny stone.

"Charlotte, Bradley got his headstone!!"
She and I ran out on the lawn and stared at the piece of rock.

Tears came to my eyes.

One more cold thing in my life!

 

The thing that was most shocking about his spirit leaving his body
was how cold his body became.

How quickly the body changed after his spirit was gone.

His light and warmth gone.

And the decay started immediately.

I hate how quickly time passes now.

 

 

And now the weather is getting very chilly.

And his cold body is out under that cold ground, under the cold stone.

 

Man, I miss my son.

 

And do you know what I dislike most about his death?

New friends don't know about him!

When I meet a new person, they don't understand who Bradley was.

I can tell his story, but most will get glazed eyes at the part about the homebirth.

And the only thing you know about his life from this stone in the ground is our religion.

 

But he was so much more than those three words and a picture of the temple!!
He was my everything.

He was my teacher.

He was a bright light from heaven in my home.

He was a missionary.

He was a personal reminder to live everyday like it was your last.

He was happy.

He was brave.

He was strong.

He kept me up at night with worry.

He kept me focused.

He inspired me.

He made me love my body for the first time in my life.

He kept me praying and fasting and searching.

He made me talk to genius doctors.

He made me argue with genius doctors.

He helped me realize I am a genius too.

 

 

And when the time was over,

I could only think about how right those doctors were.

How the heck did they know what would happen?

So ironic when every special needs mother I had talked to in the last two years advised,
"Doctors don't know everything!"

Actually, in this case, they knew exactly what was happening!

All those tests that never gave any answers,

were actually the worst answers we could have ever gotten.

Inconclusive results + regression = death

 

I still don't understand what exactly happened.

I can say "respiratory failure", but that is NOT what really happened.

 

What really happened was Bradley had a purpose;
a set amount of time.

Breaths from Heaven.

A mission.

And Heavenly Father called him home when his mission was fulfilled.

Now that I've seen birth and death, so close together,
I can testify as to what a miracle LIFE is!

There is no denying, the genius creator, who gives and takes when he decides.

 

And this is my test.

To deal with what Heavenly Father's plan is.

This is his plan.

A home with three living children and one in Heaven.

And now I've got to keep that home for those three who's test is not over.

 

I guess I will take some pictures of those three again.

I think that is what Bradley would want me to do.

He wants me to raise his brother and sisters.

And Bradley will be there with us somehow in the picture.
I don't need to worry about including him.

He will either be tossing our hair in the wind,

sending an orange monarch, 

or showing his brilliant sunsets.

 



Ordinances Not Needed

 

Jacob wanted to lay down with Bradley the other day.

So I took him down to the cemetery and let him.

He says he misses holding his hands the most.

He wishes he could hold his tiny, soft hand one more time.

I know exactly how Jacob feels.

 

 

I have made an effort, during Bradley's entire existence, not to be bitter. 

It's hard when I see a boy his age, to NOT think about all of the things Bradley could be doing.

Every time I see a two year old boy sliding down a slide I say to myself,

"Bradley WILL do these things someday; we just have to wait. We can wait!"

 

 

 I missed him terribly on my Birthday.

I can see how the holidays will be the hardest.

 

 



 

Tom was looking at familysearch.org last night.

And out of curiosity, he looked us up.

It had all of our children accounted for.

Even our precious Bradley.

Our child that no one can tell I birthed only two years ago.

All of our dates were accounted for.

Birthdates. Baptism dates. Wedding dates.

All of our ordinances.
And Bradley's death date too.

And under Bradley's name it said "Ordinances Not Needed"
What an incredible blessing it is to know that Bradley is taken care of.
His precious spirit came to his body and filled the tests of Heaven.

He is perfect and does not need to prove himself more.

 

 

 

He was indeed an old soul.

Why did so many of us know that?

 

I know Bradley is saved.

He did not need this test.  

My brave little man and his chance at mortality.

He has a pass directly to heaven now.

 I'm proud to call him mine  ♥ 

 

How Great Thou Art

 

Yesterday I had to drive to a specialty store to get some fabric for a bride.

The store is across the valley, and is near Bradley's lung doctor.

As I exited the freeway, tears came to my eyes, as did many memories to my mind.

All the appointments last summer trying to figure out why he was requiring oxygen.

Him nearly coding in the office twice.

 

 

 

And after we passed the pulmonologists office we passed Nevada Early Intervention.

Memories of my first and last time being there last summer.

The hours of evaluations.

The questions.
 

Does he reach for objects?

Does he sit up unassisted?

Does he laugh?

Does he cry?

Can you feed him by mouth?

 

And most of my answers were, "No." and "He used to."

 

And then their reply was,

"You need to keep trying! Don't give up!"

 

And I wanted to scream,

"I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON MY BRADLEY!! 

 HE IS DYING IN MY ARMS!!

 HE IS NOT GETTING BETTER!

HE'S GETTING WORSE!"

 

And because he was undiagnosed, no one ever knew what to expect.

I was told over and over again that anything could happen.

There was no limit on what he "might" do.

But no one wanted to acknowledge that he "might" die too.

 

Those appointments were so painful for me.

 

 

Bradley's death certificate says cause of death is

chronic respiratory failure,

due to loss of developmental milestones,

due to undiagnosed genetic condition.

 

I still don't really understand how it happened or how we knew.

But his spirit left his body that night,
and all I could think about was how the doctors were right.

How I was right too.

How they had confirmed my instincts.

 

His death was very long and drawn out.

Almost a year of watching his brain die.

And now I really am feeling relief as I'm sure he is too.

 

I imagine he is doing all kinds of wonderful things now!

And I know he is painting in Heaven.
I've seen several of his masterpieces since he's been gone.

He was such a creative force in my life.

I'm certain he's an artist in Heaven.
An inspiration who could never use his legs.
I know he's finally standing at his easel creating masterpieces.
 

I feel like Heavenly Father did have mercy on us by taking Bradley when he did.
The suffering has ended for all of us.
And I love when he sends me his art.
He was always trying to teach me to look up.
And he still is.
 



Forever Changed

 

 Today marks six full weeks since Bradley returned to Heaven.

 

The baby wipes he was using are drying out.

And the grass is coming back on the top of his grave.

 

 

We also learned this week that Bradley's Medicaid

was canceled because he had exceeded care costs.

The letter stated that we can appeal the cancelation.

I guess I need to call them and let them know he is gone.

 

The trial we had with him was not financial.

He was always provided for, while he was here.

I'm grateful Heavenly Father took care of that.

Through our efforts and efforts we could not see,

Bradley was always taken care of finacially.

 

 

 

One of Bradley's therapists was at the funeral.

I caught her outside the relief society room after she had seen his body in the viewing.

It's the only time I've ever seen her with tears in her eyes.

She never cried in front of me while Bradley was under her care.

She was strong. Brave. Hopeful.

And we hugged and she told me she was sorry as she quickly wiped the tears away.

I told her I still was not giving up on Bradley.

That I knew I would see him walk someday.

She smiled and she said she knew that was true.

 

 

 

 

 Last night, as I was falling asleep, Tom was watching a show about a murdered boy.
And they interviewed the Mother and asked her about her son and what she felt with his loss.
 I was prepared to hear how angry she was.
But instead she had incredible faith.

She said she imagined he was in a meadow somewhere soaking up the sun.
Enjoying his time.
Free from the pain of his death.
Free from this world.

And they asked her how she was feeling having lost a son
and she said she has been forever changed.

I know exactly how she feels.
And I'm grateful that my son was not taken from me by a vicious murder.
I'm grateful it was not a sudden accident that ended his life.
 I had time to prepare.
I had picked where I wanted his body to go.
 I had talked about eternal life and the resurrection with his siblings.
And when he passed, I was able to let him go.

I think this trial has been a very good one for me, personally.
Forever changed because I know there is a God in heaven.
He has provided, so much, even in my loss.
I cannot deny that he has been here carrying me through the storm.
I have been forever changed too ♥

Returned With Honor

 Today we were with Charlotte's cousins.

My nephews.
They are that adorable kind of boys.
They remind me of my boys.

Big beautiful eyes.
Unbelievable eyelashes.

 

And as we were leaving a store, a friend I've not seen in a long time, greeted me.

She looked down at Charlotte, then next to her, my nephew.

This nephew is only older than Bradley by 4 months.

He does everything Bradley never did.

He talks. He walks. He's curious. He giggles. He runs.

Her eyes got very big and she said pointing at my nephew, "He's doing SO good!"

 

She thought it was Bradley.

And I told her he was my nephew with a chuckle.

And her heart sank as she said, "Where is Bradley?"

 

I hugged her and I told her Bradley was in Heaven.

She got tears in her eyes.

I guess she hadn't heard.

I thought everyone had. 

 

 

She got more tears in her eyes as she told me,

she knew we were the perfect family for Bradley to have come to.

I told her I was grateful I knew he was in Heaven with Jesus.

 

I told her about the respiratory failure.

I told her where we buried his body.

And I told her he had served his two year mission and had returned with honor.

 

 

 

I am so proud of him for so many reasons.

 

He never walked, talked, giggled, asked questions, or ran around a store.

But he effected people.

Everyone remembers him.

He was quiet but unique.

And he has left ripples.

All across a pool of people.

 

Tom said tonight at dinner,

 after I recounted the story,

that he is sure Bradley was and is a somebody in Heaven.

A very righteous disciple of Christ.

That he was not a fence sitter.

That he knew who he served

when he took the body he was given.

 

And his salvation was guaranteed through his sacrifice.

It's a lesson I've learned over and over.

"Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven";

especially for Bradley!

 

 



The Crown and The Conflict

There is a headstone by Bradley's grave that says,

"The Crown Without the Conflict."

The baby beneath the headstone, lived for one day.

I know that baby will wear a crown. 

 

But every time I see it, I think about how much conflict Bradley had.

How Bradley earned every bit of the crown that he will wear.

He suffered so much!

I am grateful I had him for more then one day.

I'm grateful his spirit filled our home.

I'm grateful he submitted his spirit to that broken body,

so that I could hold him in my arms.

 

 

I know with every particle of my body, that Bradley will wear a crown someday.

I know that he will be radiant when I see him again.

 

 

 

Right before we closed the casket,

I thought about pulling his body out and running away.

I wanted to hold him one more time.

But I touched his chest, and bent down to kiss him,

and I felt how cold he was, and I knew that it was only his body that was left.

 

This is the hard part.

The sad and treacherous, longing for him.

 

 

 

 

And tonight I realized there has to be a crown for me too.

I am enduring a conflict now.

All this time, I've been thinking about Bradley being saved.

But I think the lord will have mercy on me too.

This suffering.

This separation.

If I'm worthy, I will wear a crown someday.

He knows my sacrifice so personally.

There will be a crown for my conflict!!

I'm grateful that I learned that today.