Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Man of my Dreams

I've been wanting to have a dream about Bradley, since his passing.
One where he comes to see me as a grown, perfect man.
A dream where he thanks me for taking such diligent care of him.
One where he tells me he's safe with Heavenly Father.
Where he tells me he doesn't have much time to talk because he has a great work to go do.
But the dreams about him have been few.
I had one about a week after he passed where I saw him crawling.
But last night I finally had another dream about him.

I was standing at the sink doing dishes.
I looked over to the ground behind the couch and I saw his pump.
It was running and he was laying on the ground being fed by his pump.
I was so happy to see him!!
I called to the kids and told them Bradley was home.
They came running to see him.
But they were not as excited as I had hoped.
Charlotte and Jacob told me they were starving and both started to cry.
I picked up Bradley and to my surprise he was easy to hold.
He hung onto my arms as I swung him around to sit on my hip.
He sat on my hip as I attended to the other children and their needs.
I worked hard to feed them all while Bradley happily hung on and watched.
By the time everyone was fed, I could finally sit down to enjoy Bradley.
My back hurt and my arms ached from hanging onto him.
It has been so long since I've held my baby.
And it felt alien to me.
I finally sat down and looked into Bradley's eyes and I suddenly thought,
"Why are you here? You are supposed to be in heaven!"
And suddenly he disappeared from my hands.
I was shocked by my thoughts.
And my arms ached to hold him again.
I woke up feeling those same aches.
And this evening I told Tom about the dream
and I cried as I recounted my guilt for telling Bradley to go to Heaven.
The last nine months of his life, I had wished for him to go there.
And now that he is there, I have these feelings that I want him to come back.
But I cannot have both.
I've never been able to have both with Bradley.
It was either stay in a broken body.
Or go to Heaven and finally be free of that body.
The conflict is so excruciating sometimes.
I feel so split in my personalities.
And Tom lovingly listened to my recount and said,
"Your dream shows that you've accepted God's will, Mary."
And I know why Bradley has not come back in a dream to thank me.
He doesn't need to.
He thanked me everyday when he brought his beautiful light into my home.
I was always being directed how to care for him.
So many whisperings of the spirit.
I do not need to be told that he is in Heaven.
I KNOW he is.
I know because of him that Heaven is real!
So why should he come to tell me?
He doesn't need to.
I'm grateful I got to hold him again;
 even if just for a moment;
even if just in a dream.
I remembered him perfectly.
And I think that is all that I needed right now.