Sunday, July 27, 2014

A Mansion in Paradise

Bradley's spirit permeated our home when he was here.
Peace and calm.
Spirit and direction.
Promptings and help.
It has felt like chaos some days without him.
Some days I'm numb so that I can function.
Some days I'm sad and I do not function.

His third birthday came last weekend.
The grief came in hard waves all weekend long.
And no matter what we did, I had a hard time functioning and wanted to stay in bed.
But that didn't stop the party.
I love parties!
And Bradley sent me a party theme.
We had a paradise-party.
It reminded us all that he was safe in paradise.
We wore leis, sipped from island straws, ate cotton candy and set off orange balloons at his grave.
On Tuesday morning I reflected on what birthday gifts he was given in heaven.
I wish I could have sent him packages full of toys and candies.
But as I thought about it, I saw my Son sitting in his mansion in heaven.
Looking at his amazing view as he soaked up the sun by his pool.
Maybe he played a round of tennis in his courts with his friends,
 before he jumped in his gorgeous pool.
We toured some model homes last week; just for fun.
(We are NOT moving!)
And we toured a beautiful house that I cannot stop thinking about.
The theme of orange and butterflies was all through the d├ęcor.
I kept hoping it was a sign that we should purchase the house.
The house had an amazing view of the strip and was SO perfect for me!
But I realized that beautiful home was a sign from Bradley that he has a mansion in Heaven.
Better than the orange butterfly house on Horizon Ridge.
Way more grand.
Far more beautiful and expensive.
Bradley sent me a glimpse of his 3rd birthday gift to give me some hope.
To let me know he is safe in his heavenly home
 was the best thing he could have sent me for his Birthday.
I am surprised how he continues to send me perfect messages from heaven.
The signs continue to come, and he continues to help me look up to the heavens with hope.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

What If

I've been told that I'm not supposed to say, "What if..."
I'm not supposed to imagine if things had gone another way.
What is wrong with wondering if destiny had been different?
Tonight I want to go over the what-ifs.
Because next Sunday is Bradley's third birthday.
Because every time I get on facebook, his peers are celebrating their third birthdays,
saying adorable things, and being potty trained with m&ms.
And my three year old is missing.

So I'm going to play the what-ifs tonight.
I need to.
Because even though the what-ifs are sad,
they also help me imagine him again.
And to some degree they heal me.
IF Bradley had been born typical;
 His birthday would have been July 4th.
I had planned it that way.
And I know he would have come that night in 2011.
And on the 4th, this year, I wouldn't have watched the fireworks feeling numb.
I would have had his third birthday party instead.
He would have blown out his candles at the counter, surrounded by his cousins.
He would have stolen his baby cousin's binkis.
And he would have said the adorable things that 3 year old boys say.
And I would have changed his accident pants
 hoping that one day he would finally be completely potty trained!
And he may have kept me up that night telling me the firework sounds were scaring him.
I imagine he would have eventually fallen asleep between Tom and I.
And I could have held his chubby feet, while he slept.
And listed to him breath, and not gasp for air.
But calmly breath. In and out. Peacefully dreaming.

And the next morning he would have come down the stairs with messy hair and his belly showing.
And Jacob and Bradley would have jumped on the trampoline all day with the hose running.
And I would have made him a bowl of goldfish and grapes for lunch.
And he would have scraped his knees and asked for bandaids with tears in his eyes.

But my reality has been what has happened instead.
It's very bitter to think about sometimes.
I miss him every second of every day.
And I long for the day when I will see him whole.
But because he came the way he did,
sunsets will never be the same.
I receive pictures of orange skies all the time.
All. The. Time.
I love every single sunset I get.
Even the ones I don't see in person.
And sometimes I am okay with the destiny I got.
He could not have come any other way.
It would not have been Bradley.
It would have been someone else.
And I would never trade those hard 2 years of Bradley for a life time of a "normal" kid
That would mean I wouldn't have Bradley still.
And he is the one I want most desperately.
I cannot wait to see him again when my destiny is finally fulfilled and all is restored.