Wednesday, July 9, 2014

What If

I've been told that I'm not supposed to say, "What if..."
I'm not supposed to imagine if things had gone another way.
What is wrong with wondering if destiny had been different?
Tonight I want to go over the what-ifs.
Because next Sunday is Bradley's third birthday.
Because every time I get on facebook, his peers are celebrating their third birthdays,
saying adorable things, and being potty trained with m&ms.
And my three year old is missing.

So I'm going to play the what-ifs tonight.
I need to.
Because even though the what-ifs are sad,
they also help me imagine him again.
And to some degree they heal me.
IF Bradley had been born typical;
 His birthday would have been July 4th.
I had planned it that way.
And I know he would have come that night in 2011.
And on the 4th, this year, I wouldn't have watched the fireworks feeling numb.
I would have had his third birthday party instead.
He would have blown out his candles at the counter, surrounded by his cousins.
He would have stolen his baby cousin's binkis.
And he would have said the adorable things that 3 year old boys say.
And I would have changed his accident pants
 hoping that one day he would finally be completely potty trained!
And he may have kept me up that night telling me the firework sounds were scaring him.
I imagine he would have eventually fallen asleep between Tom and I.
And I could have held his chubby feet, while he slept.
And listed to him breath, and not gasp for air.
But calmly breath. In and out. Peacefully dreaming.

And the next morning he would have come down the stairs with messy hair and his belly showing.
And Jacob and Bradley would have jumped on the trampoline all day with the hose running.
And I would have made him a bowl of goldfish and grapes for lunch.
And he would have scraped his knees and asked for bandaids with tears in his eyes.

But my reality has been what has happened instead.
It's very bitter to think about sometimes.
I miss him every second of every day.
And I long for the day when I will see him whole.
But because he came the way he did,
sunsets will never be the same.
I receive pictures of orange skies all the time.
All. The. Time.
I love every single sunset I get.
Even the ones I don't see in person.
And sometimes I am okay with the destiny I got.
He could not have come any other way.
It would not have been Bradley.
It would have been someone else.
And I would never trade those hard 2 years of Bradley for a life time of a "normal" kid
That would mean I wouldn't have Bradley still.
And he is the one I want most desperately.
I cannot wait to see him again when my destiny is finally fulfilled and all is restored.