The Last Child

Tonight we went to test drive cars.

I'm tired of driving an empty van.

I don't drive the kids to school.

And I no longer have my special son to put in and out of the van.

And when Charlotte gets in and out she does everything herself.

She started opening the door herself just this last week.

I cannot believe how big she is getting!

And everyday, loading her in and out of the van reminds me she is my last at home.

*Sigh*

My plan was to have a little 3 year old boy at home with me for two more years.

When the plans changed to be a special boy,

I accepted that I might some day load him on the special bus in his wheel chair.

But now I'm expecting a very empty van next year.

 



 

You are supposed to spoil the last child home.

You are supposed to go to McDonalds and the park everyday the year before kindergarten.

But even doing those things is becoming painful for me.

Because it's a reminder that Bradley is not with us.

 

 

 I keep doing things to "fix" how I feel.

Play group. McDonald's dates.

 And today we even seriously talked about getting rid of the van.

We went and test drove a 4 door car.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Part of me thinks I will somehow be free from the past if I change cars.

Part of me will miss Bradley's van that fit his wheelchair with the automatic doors.

 

Grief is so confusing and because I'm a woman of action, I'm totally trying new things everyday.

But nothing changes the feelings of the loss.

The emptiness is still here all around us.

 

Tonight I told Tom I understand that I will be able to raise Bradley again someday.

I get that I will see all of his firsts someday;

But what I don't understand is what about the kids and what they have lost?

What about Jacob not getting to take his nightly baths with his brother?

And all of the hours of play that Jacob is missing out on with his brother.

Do we get a do-over for that too?

How?

And Tom said he didn't know how that would happen exactly,

but he knows Jacob will get those experiences too.

 

 

 

I have to hope for that.

I have to have faith that we will get it all made up to us.

Faith that those beautiful giggles of play will be heard someday.

I cannot wait to hear them.

 



Hungry

Summer is coming.

The orders are flowing in.

I'm so busy and I love it!

I love making stuff for others on their special days.

Everyday is a chance to serve someone.

And I love that part of it too!

 

But tonight I got an opportunity I don't normally get.

The kids were out of lunch meat for their school lunches.

Our favorite is the sundried tomato turkey from Walmart's deli.

It's so good! It's worth the trip!

And I needed bottled water too.

So we all headed over to Walmart.

And after the shopping was over, we went out to the

parking lot and as we got close to the car a frightened lady approached us.

The first thing she said was,

"I don't want any money, but I need to feed my children tonight."

The spirit told me she was telling me the truth.

And I told her I had no cash and I could tell by the things she wanted that her wants were sincere.

She was really just trying to get some calories for her kids.

I'm usually too scared to talk to people in the parking lot.
I had a purse stolen once before in a walmart parking lot.

But I told the kids to stay with Tom and I took the lady inside to help her feed her family.

 



 

 I told her to get a cart.

And I could tell by the things she put in the cart that she was in fact telling the truth.

The grossest tuna. Dry pasta. The cheapest spaghetti sauce.

She picked up the generic raisin bran and she said it was filling so it was a good one.

I asked if she wanted a gallon of milk.

And she said that if she fed her kids fresh milk they wouldn't take the powdered later.

She said she adds sweetened condensed milk to the powdered milk and that helped it taste better.

 

I knew she was desperate.

She said tomorrow she would be able to get to the food bank,

but that she was very grateful for this little bit to help her get to tomorrow.

And she said her cats needed food and I should have insisted she got the food for her cats.

She told me her two cats helped her deal with the stress of her situation.

And I remembered all the nights Patches has climbed up on my bed

and snuggled with me since Bradley's been gone.

I choked back the tears and thought about Bradley.

 

 I thought about how many blessings I have.

How many times, I received help, because of Bradley, through the grace of God.

 



 

It was a sacred experience to help someone tonight.

An opportunity I don't normally get because of my fear.

But the spirit told me so strongly it was okay to help her.

And I helped her. And I'm glad I did.

 

I am not a perfect person.

I do not always help my brother.

But this was an opportunity, I'm glad I took.

I'm so grateful for everything I have.

And it gave me new eyes to see what I have been overlooking.

 

 



The Glue

I keep getting the question of how I'm doing.

I'm not sure what to say, usually.

It's hard.

This is hard.

But not as hard as watching him die for 16 months.

He went into respiratory failure at the age of 10 months.

Watching him suffer through respiratory failure for 16 months was harder than this.

Much, much harder.

Both physically and emotionally.

Because no doctor could ever tell me exactly why Bradley was dying.

But at night I held my son while he struggled to breath.

Every time I kissed Bradley I wondered if it would be my last.

That was the hardest 16 months of my life.

And while I miss him terribly; the suffering is over.

Imagine someone on the edge of death for 16 months.

Imagine being the caregiver.

Imagine how well I sleep now.

Imagine how safe I know he is.

 

 I had a dream about Bradley the other night.

In the dream I took Bradley to visit a friend from high school.

She passed the summer before Bradley passed.

When I saw her in my dream, I took him out of the stroller
and I handed him to her so she could hold him and meet him.

And she stared at him for a while; then looked up at and me and said,
"He's a very special boy Mary!"

I told her I knew he was.

I woke up knowing they are together.

 

 

We went to our first funeral since Bradley's on Monday.

My great aunt. She was a very close sibling to my Grandma Wanda.

My grandma has been gone for 15 years.

And I've not had much contact with my great aunt since Grandma has been gone.

But we are family, so we were invited to the viewing.

When we walked in, my children really wanted to see her.

They were drawn to her and Charlotte almost jumped out of my arms and into the casket.

And then it came time to close the casket.

And her husband of 76 years was wheeled up to her to say his goodbyes.

His cries and love poured out of him.

He called her name again and again and told her how much he loved her.

And our tears flowed freely as we listen to the sobs of his love.

 

And when we followed the casket out of the relief society room,
 Jacob grabbed my hand and told me he understood how much my great uncle missed his wife.

Jacob said he wanted to talk to him and tell him he understood how he felt.

 



 

I wonder all the time, why my kids have to go through this.

Why do they have this experience of playing in the cemetery?

Even taking their friends there with them to visit their brother?

And showing their friends Bradley's funeral video slideshow!?!

It's so weird. Most 7 year old boys don't do that!

 

I'm starting to think that they are here to be an example to me.

To be examples to me of how to deal and cope with MY grief.

Miss him. Remember him. Cry about him.

And then get up and do what I was doing before.

I think that is what Bradley would want me to do too.

 

I love my kids.

I'm glad I've had each one of them.

I'm glad that Jacob and Charlotte and Maddy and I can hold hands through this.

And I think that was one of the reasons why God sent us Bradley.

Bradley came to glue us closer together.

To challenge us to become more.

And to help us stick together through it.

 



 



I Have a Family Here on Earth

Bishop was inspired to take the young women

and young men to the Gilbert, Arizona Temple open house last weekend.

 

It was a wonderful trip.

When I returned home Tom and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary.

It's been 12 years of wedded bliss.

And 12 years of the hardest struggles I have ever had to face.

 

Have I mentioned that I'm a runner?

Well, I like to run from my problems.

And this latest problem, of losing my son, has made me want to knock down

what I've been building for the last 12 years and start over again. 

Somewhere else.

Somewhere new.

With people who don't remind me of Bradley.

Somewhere that the hole Bradley left wouldn't be so obvious.

It's been the most my relationship has ever been tried.

 

So I came home last weekend, feeling refreshed.

Feeling like I did want to be with my family forever.

And Tom and I decided we needed a little vacation alone as a family.

And what better a place to go than to the temple together?

 

So yesterday we packed the car and hit the road and traveled down to sunny Arizona.

 

 

And today we entered the undedicated House of the Lord with our children.

And as we got to the sealing room,

I picked up Charlotte and looked into the mirrors

with Tom and Maddy and Jacob beside me

and I realized that we are just the ones left here on earth.

That our family is more than just the five of us.

Our family reaches behind us and ahead of us.

And our family is going to be dynamic.

It's going to change.

More will be taken from us.

And more will be added to us.

And as long as we are sealed,

it doesn't matter who is still here on the earth and who is in Heaven.

WE ARE STILL A FAMILY!

 

 

And we then we went over to the Mesa Temple.

And the brides were numerous because it is a Saturday.

And all of the babies and grandparents were there too.

 

And I was reminded that I'm out of the having-baby-stage of life.

And I realized it is going quickly.

This life is just a moment.

 



 

 

And we went into the visitor center and watched a presentation about families being forever.

And after it was over the sister asked us what our favorite part was.

And Jacob said,

 "We have a baby brother who is in Heaven because his brain didn't work.

And I'm glad to know that families ARE forever.

It means so much to me because of my baby brother."

 

 

This trial. This hard thing. It was part of our plan.

I know it when I look at my children who hold hands so often.

I know it when I see the beautiful skies Bradley has painted me.

And I know it when I hear Jacobs beautiful testimony, that families are forever.

 



The Man of my Dreams

I've been wanting to have a dream about Bradley, since his passing.

One where he comes to see me as a grown, perfect man.

A dream where he thanks me for taking such diligent care of him.

One where he tells me he's safe with Heavenly Father.

Where he tells me he doesn't have much time to talk because he has a great work to go do.

 

But the dreams about him have been few.

I had one about a week after he passed where I saw him crawling.

But last night I finally had another dream about him.

 

I was standing at the sink doing dishes.

I looked over to the ground behind the couch and I saw his pump.

It was running and he was laying on the ground being fed by his pump.

 

I was so happy to see him!!

I called to the kids and told them Bradley was home.

They came running to see him.

But they were not as excited as I had hoped.

Charlotte and Jacob told me they were starving and both started to cry.

I picked up Bradley and to my surprise he was easy to hold.

He hung onto my arms as I swung him around to sit on my hip.

 

He sat on my hip as I attended to the other children and their needs.

I worked hard to feed them all while Bradley happily hung on and watched.

By the time everyone was fed, I could finally sit down to enjoy Bradley.

My back hurt and my arms ached from hanging onto him.

It has been so long since I've held my baby.

And it felt alien to me.

 

I finally sat down and looked into Bradley's eyes and I suddenly thought,

"Why are you here? You are supposed to be in heaven!"

And suddenly he disappeared from my hands.

I was shocked by my thoughts.

And my arms ached to hold him again.

 

I woke up feeling those same aches.

 

And this evening I told Tom about the dream

and I cried as I recounted my guilt for telling Bradley to go to Heaven.

The last nine months of his life, I had wished for him to go there.

And now that he is there, I have these feelings that I want him to come back.

But I cannot have both.

I've never been able to have both with Bradley.

It was either stay in a broken body.

Or go to Heaven and finally be free of that body.

The conflict is so excruciating sometimes.

I feel so split in my personalities.

 

And Tom lovingly listened to my recount and said,
"Your dream shows that you've accepted God's will, Mary."

 

And I know why Bradley has not come back in a dream to thank me.

He doesn't need to.

He thanked me everyday when he brought his beautiful light into my home.

I was always being directed how to care for him.

So many whisperings of the spirit.

I do not need to be told that he is in Heaven.

I KNOW he is.

I know because of him that Heaven is real!

So why should he come to tell me?

He doesn't need to.

 

I'm grateful I got to hold him again;

 even if just for a moment;

even if just in a dream.

I remembered him perfectly.

And I think that is all that I needed right now.



Forgetting

It occurred to me, last week,

  I have a nice camera and I can take pictures of my kids!

So on Sunday, after church, while Tom was helping with tithing settlement,

I got all the kids dressed and took them over to the park.

We took a framed picture of Bradley and Bradley's picture chair too.

 

 

 

I got some photos of the kids with Bradley's framed picture too.

It was weird to worry about the glare on the glass and not his warm body anymore.

I miss his warm body.

 

And when I got home I did some editing.

And I uploaded some to a site to purchase Christmas Cards

and I spent about three hours going through all of the possible picture and card combinations.

 

Putting a picture, on the card, of the three kids.

Then replacing it with a picture of the three kids with Bradley's picture.

Neither felt right.

I mulled over it again and again.

 

I even signed one, "Love, Madeleine, Jacob, Charlotte and Bradley."

And at that pointed I realized, that Bradley could no longer sign the card.

He was gone.

He IS gone.

And putting up a picture of him does not bring him back,

because this is what my family looks like right now:

 

 

But I DID select a photo with his framed picture in it for the Christmas cards,

because I think this is the last time I can do that.

If I do it next year, Bradley's picture and age will look even more out of place.

 

 

 

Earlier this week I found one of Bradley's pacifiers.
I'm not embarrassed to say I quickly picked it up to smell it.

And I realized I cannot remember what his breath smelled like.

Time is cruel.

 

And today, in the car,

Charlotte told me that if I forget Bradley's name she will remind me what it is.

And that if I forget what Bradley looks like, I can take out my old pictures and remember.

And Charlotte innocently asked me if I'm forgetting about Bradley.

I told her I was starting to forget parts of his life.

I'm forgetting the medications he was on and things like that.

But I will never completely forget him.

I got tears in my eyes as I told her I could never forget any of my babies.

And I looked in the rearview mirror, saw her smile,

and I remembered perfectly the very first times I saw each of my babies.

How could I ever forget those memories?

 



The Headstone and Family Pictures

I was 9 weeks pregnant with Bradley in this picture.

He was on his way to earth.

 

Pictures are haunting me right now.

I'm having a hard time figuring how to go get current pictures done

with the holidays looming and the empty spot in our family.

I know no one expects a picture.

 But it's an internal fight.

A fight between me and my grief.

 

 His headstone arrived yesterday.

Charlotte and I stopped by for our usual visit, not knowing it had been installed.

And as I turned to look out in the grass to find him,
I saw the glimmer of the black shiny stone.

"Charlotte, Bradley got his headstone!!"
She and I ran out on the lawn and stared at the piece of rock.

Tears came to my eyes.

One more cold thing in my life!

 

The thing that was most shocking about his spirit leaving his body
was how cold his body became.

How quickly the body changed after his spirit was gone.

His light and warmth gone.

And the decay started immediately.

I hate how quickly time passes now.

 

 

And now the weather is getting very chilly.

And his cold body is out under that cold ground, under the cold stone.

 

Man, I miss my son.

 

And do you know what I dislike most about his death?

New friends don't know about him!

When I meet a new person, they don't understand who Bradley was.

I can tell his story, but most will get glazed eyes at the part about the homebirth.

And the only thing you know about his life from this stone in the ground is our religion.

 

But he was so much more than those three words and a picture of the temple!!
He was my everything.

He was my teacher.

He was a bright light from heaven in my home.

He was a missionary.

He was a personal reminder to live everyday like it was your last.

He was happy.

He was brave.

He was strong.

He kept me up at night with worry.

He kept me focused.

He inspired me.

He made me love my body for the first time in my life.

He kept me praying and fasting and searching.

He made me talk to genius doctors.

He made me argue with genius doctors.

He helped me realize I am a genius too.

 

 

And when the time was over,

I could only think about how right those doctors were.

How the heck did they know what would happen?

So ironic when every special needs mother I had talked to in the last two years advised,
"Doctors don't know everything!"

Actually, in this case, they knew exactly what was happening!

All those tests that never gave any answers,

were actually the worst answers we could have ever gotten.

Inconclusive results + regression = death

 

I still don't understand what exactly happened.

I can say "respiratory failure", but that is NOT what really happened.

 

What really happened was Bradley had a purpose;
a set amount of time.

Breaths from Heaven.

A mission.

And Heavenly Father called him home when his mission was fulfilled.

Now that I've seen birth and death, so close together,
I can testify as to what a miracle LIFE is!

There is no denying, the genius creator, who gives and takes when he decides.

 

And this is my test.

To deal with what Heavenly Father's plan is.

This is his plan.

A home with three living children and one in Heaven.

And now I've got to keep that home for those three who's test is not over.

 

I guess I will take some pictures of those three again.

I think that is what Bradley would want me to do.

He wants me to raise his brother and sisters.

And Bradley will be there with us somehow in the picture.
I don't need to worry about including him.

He will either be tossing our hair in the wind,

sending an orange monarch, 

or showing his brilliant sunsets.