Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Heaven's Breath

Last year, at this time, I was stroking my babies head who lay in an incubator, being intubated.
He was fighting to live.
And I helplessly sat by his side.
And Tom and I would take turns at his bedside.
Each of us stroking his hair. Each of our eyes filled with tears.
And I could do nothing for him, but be near.

And it was a confusing time for both Tom and I.
We talk about it now and both remember being very unsure of what was really happening to Bradley.
And the nurses and doctors kept saying our baby was sick.
And the word 'sick' shocked us.
He had tubes in all sorts of places and they were using words I had never heard before.
 And it is kinda of a sad anniversary, but one that marks the change of so many things.

Yesterday we returned to Sunrise to have the pulmonologist look at his throat and the muscles inside.
To see if his need for O2 was related to sagging muscles.
And the pulmonolgist said his larynx looks great.
That he can see no reason, structurally, why Bradley cannot respirate on his own.
And I asked why he needed oxygen then.
And the pulmonologist said it maybe because of something in his brain.
I have heard that answer too many times to count!

I'm very grateful his body has a lot of good parts!
And I wish there was a way I could guarantee a fix for his brain.
And that we understood WHY it is malfunctioning.

How do I fix his brain to tell his body to breath?
There is no therapy for this!

And it is consistent with what the neurologist is telling us.
His breaths are from heaven right now.
And God is in total control of his life.
AND I still feel VERY helpless!
There is no artificial brain they can give him.
And an artificial airway will do him no good.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this news.

But I'm grateful for the breath God grants us still.