Monday, August 6, 2012


Today was Bradley's third swallow study.
When I got there, a very helpful employee filled out the admitting paperwork for us.
She printed off his labels and orders and set me in the waiting room to wait for the x-ray tech.
Bradley was still asleep.
Looking so peaceful and content.
And I scanned over the paperwork, thinking about how many times we've waited for procedures.
Hoping all would go well.
How many times Bradley and I have left the house early, fasting.
Driven down to the hospital or diagnostic center.
And waited.
How I'm still waiting.
And waiting.
For a diagnosis. A test result.
What a trial this has been.

And I got to a part of the paper work that said "Spouse/Next of Kin/ Companion"
And underneath it was my name, indicating I was that person. 

And I looked into his stroller and thought about our relationship.
Being companions.

I feel eternally bound to Bradley.
That he did come to be my helper as much as I am his.
More than just a Mother and Son.
My Buddy in this life, who goes through the trenches with me.
Feeling pains together.
Growing together.
Understanding everything about each other.
My companion.

And they called us back and the four swallows Bradley did for them were not aspirated.
But when they moved to the upper GI, they saw that his reflux was.
And that makes sense, because I feel like he aspirates after he has been eating for a bit.

And I left a little flustered. Knowing that liquids make him sick.

And I was exhausted this afternoon and I laid down for a nap.
And I had a dream about my childhood home.
I saw it exactly as it was.
I walked outside to the yard and walked along the chicken coops.
And I heard the trees and felt the warm dessert winds.
I knew my Mother was there.
I never saw her, but I knew she was there.
And I felt safe again.
And not scared.
And I felt rest.
And I woke up and gathered Bradley in my arms and I kissed him.
And I realized I am HIS Mommy.
And he feels that same peace with me, even if he cannot see me.
I make him feel safe and not scared.

Tonight I am grateful to God for our realtionships with eachother.
That I can be a Mother, and a companion to Bradley.
I am very lucky I get to go through crap with him.
And I hope he drags me to heaven behind him.
I'm sure he is already going.