Sunday, March 24, 2013

After the Trial of your Faith

I seriously caught about 15 minutes of church today :)
We sat down in sacrament and Jacob started trying to scratch his eyes out.
I realized he needed some allergy medicine and he and I left to get him some.
By the time I got back to sacrament, we were on the last speaker.
And it was such a beautiful talk.
Exactly what I needed to hear.
He talked about scripture study.
How the scriptures had helped him gain and keep his testimony.
He talked about his mission in southern Arizona and all the doors that were shut in his face.
And he said we never know how long our trials are going to last.
That struck a cord on my heart.
This has been the longest trial I have ever had to endure.
And yet it has been too short too.
The long parts have been enduring the suffering. 
I've felt too much sadness with his undiagnosed, developmental delay and blindness.
Those seizures.
And now his respiratory failure.
The fact his brain is declining.
Like an old man or something.
Makes me wonder why God wanted all of this.
It's has been a trial of my faith.
 And then other parts of Bradley's life have seemed too short.
His doctors have been discussing his death with me from the beginning.
Tom and I have been discussing his death from the beginning.
When he turned 8 months old, the doctors started looking at diseases with short life expectancies.
Every day has been a miracle.

I hate to feel the trial amongst the precious fleeting moments we have left.
I know it is going too fast.
Sometimes I stop mid-sentence and look at all my kids here with me and I just try to soak it up.
It cannot end without me trying to capture it all!!
Freeze it somehow.
Take 15-thousand more pictures :)
This thing we call mortality is very confusing sometimes.
Very treacherous.
Yet blissfully precious.
Grateful for every single, beautiful and struggling, moment tonight.
It's been too short.
He has been my trial and my faith.
He is my everything.