On Friday night, Charlotte was up, sick in the night.
The cleanup involved both Tom and I :)
And after two hours of trying to help Charlotte make it to the right place,
Bradley started fussing in his room.
We thought we had woken him up with our noise.
I went into check on him and saw that he was in fact shivering.
Hospice has told us that kids with neurological disorders start to lose control of their bodies,
and usually temperature control goes along with that.
Bradley's temperatures have run low since the NICU.
But now he runs high and low constantly.
It can be controlled with Ibuprofen and Tylenol when it causes him distress.
Sometimes his cheeks are bright red, his face is burning hot,
and his toes are icy and he is not always bothered by it.
But on this night it was bothering him. I could tell by his cries.
And I picked him up and we sat in our chair and I covered him with a blanket.
And Tom took a break from Charlotte and brought us some Tylenol.
And I held him and warmed him.
And I realized he was struggling to breath too.
He was gasping for air and crying the whole time.
Even with the oxygen, he was struggling to breath.
And I decided to give him the morphine for the very first time.
But I asked Tom to give Bradley a blessing first, and to give the tylenol a chance to work.
I held Bradley during the blessing.
Even though he was struggling to breath, I realized what a strength he has in his eyes.
I realized, looking at his strong eyes that Bradley is not afraid to die.
Tom said that Heavenly Father would take Bradley at the appointed time.
That is the very first time Tom has ever said that in a blessing for Bradley.
And we gave Bradley the morphine.
And he stopped crying and calmed down and fell asleep.
And we put him in our room for the remainder of the night.
And the next morning he was fine.
It was like his brain had had a hiccup and couldn't do what it normally does.
For a while now, I've been scared of being alone with Bradley when he passes,
but on Friday night, I realized I CAN do this!!
I can hold him when he is struggling to breath.
I can make him comfortable.
And when he passes I can be with him; alone if I have to be.
And now I understand how all of this is going to play out.
He is going to do what the neurologist said he would.
And it is starting.