Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Hope and the Will to Live

The hospice nurse was here today.
 He's newer to the company.
New to hospice care.
He told me while he checked Bradley today, that he had his very first baby pass.
He said she was a little girl.
 He had only first met her three weeks ago.
He said you could hear her breath in the other room.
Her airway was very constricted.
She only was filling the top 20% of her lung capacity.
He said she would definitely get a tracheotomy if her Mommy had wanted it.
But her Mommy had chosen hospice instead.
And on Thursday her Mommy called him out to the house because she was worried about her baby.
And when he got there he could tell she was getting close to passing.
She had the look.
They called Daddy to come home.
And he came home and wanted to take her to the hospital and put her on a machine.
And after two hours of talking, Dad realized he didn't want to.
And she passed on Friday night.
 I told him I hope Tom and I can stick to the decisions we have made.
That we've priced the funeral. And I've picked where I'm going to bury him.
And the nurse said that I've gotten to the 5th stage of acceptance then.
And I started to cry and told him, today I was feeling at the 2nd stage.
The mad stage.
I'm still mad Bradley has to do this.
And he said it was okay to go backward in the stages.
 As long as I've been to the acceptance stage, once before.
And I said that I still have hope for Bradley.
That I can see him being a 30 year old man and walking around.
And the nurse gave me a funny look, and we both laughed as he said, "He's not going to walk!"

And Bradley has been grinding his teeth this week.
And I've wondered why he was doing it.
And his arms and legs seem weaker lately too.
I think he is feeling low on energy.
And I realized this week, Bradley is fighting what his body is trying to do.
Sometimes I think I see him fighting off the seizures too.
He wants to be here with us.
His will to live is great.
And when he finally lets that go, he will go too.
He will stop crying on the nights he cannot breath. 
And he will let the lack of oxygen take him to his heavenly home.
I'm glad I understand now how much he wants to be here!!
I still have hope.
And I will have that hope, up until the very last breath!!
And even then I will hope that someday he will get his body back, and he WILL walk!!
I will never let go of the hope!!