Friday, May 3, 2013

Stuck at Two Months

I found this picture the other day.
It nearly took my breath away.
Tears instantly to my eyes.

Such a beautiful family!!
Jacob was exactly Bradley's age in this picture.
And Madeleine is exactly Charlotte's age.
All of my children are the exact same spaces apart,
because I'm a planner and a bit of a perfectionist.
Just a - tiny bit - of a perfectionist.
It's painful to see pictures of Jacob when he was two.
Because of Bradley.
Because of everything Bradley is not doing.
Because of all the systems that are failing in his body.
Really sucks to think about how broken Bradley is.
I've known him forever.
I know who he is.
And his shell reflects NOTHING of the man Bradley is.
I wish EVERYONE could see it.
I was in a store today.
The check out line is so hard.
Everyone looks at Bradley.
And the employees of the store, saw the stroller
and were trying to peak in at Bradley and asked how old my baby was.
I said "two" and held up two fingers.
She said, "2 months?"
I said - "No. Two years."
I turned his stroller so she could see the tubes.
And she gasped.
I said, "He has health problems. He's very sick."
And she looked puzzled.
And made me repeat what I had said.
And she stared at us with a look of shock and pity.
And now another cashier was staring too. Same look.
I'm kind of used to this. Happens almost every time we are out with at least one person.
The hardest thing for me is the pictures.
I cannot get him in a picture with the kids, except if they are all lying down.
Wish he could be in so many of the pictures I take, but physically he cannot.

This beautiful memory of my children is missing one thing.
Why is so much taken away from us sometimes?
Tonight I found the answer to that question while looking through these pictures -
Bradley came so that this woman:
Could turn into this woman:
  I could never have grown without Bradley.
I would have been stuck as the old girl forever.
Thank you Bradley, for coming to change me!!
I owe you Son <3