Fifteen minutes after he came, I was pacing the floor.
I was scared.
I was worried, that me having him at home, and not in a hospital, had hurt him.
And I kept asking everyone if they thought he was going to die.
He only weighed 4lbs 8oz!
And I thought I had done something to cause the growth restriction too.
And the stress of the situation made me hemorrhage profusely.
And I went to the bathroom to clean up.
And I passed-out while I was sitting on the toilet.
And my midwife and Tom rushed in and caught me before I hit the ground.
And they carried me to the bed, and lay me on a plastic sheet.
And I came to and cried and asked if my baby was okay.
And the midwife was massaging my uterus,
and clearing clots from my womb,
and telling me that I had to calm down or I would die.
She worked and massaged my uterus for quite sometime
and she told me that stress makes a bleeding mother, bleed more.
She said I HAD to stay down for the next 12 hours to make the hemorrhaging stop!
And I told her I wanted to nurse my baby, and she said he would need some formula for now.
And she told Tom to go and get a bottle and feed the baby for me while I rested.
For the next 12 hours I thought about what I had done.
I wondered what I had done to cause this.
And I tried to come up with a name for my baby.
And I kept envisioning, the names I'd pick, on headstones.
And I felt so horrible, I thought I was dying too.
And I thought about a double funeral for the baby and me.
And all of this time, Tom was downstairs, in my chair, holding and feeding our new baby.
Tom remembers the baby and him making eye contact for a very long time.
And he said that he felt like the baby looked deep into his soul.
And he and the baby bonded just by staring at each other.
And Tom said it was the deepest stare he had ever had with any of his children.
And he knew they had known each other before this life
and that it was like the baby was saying "Hi, again!"
And Tom brought the baby back to me when the 12 hours had finally passed.
And he handed him to me and told me about the staring contest.
And I told Tom I was thinking of naming the baby 'Bradley'.
And Tom agreed that would be a good name for the little guy.
And as we have progressed on this journey,
so many people have told me that Bradley choose to come to this body.
And that has never felt right to me.
I think Bradley knew WHAT he was coming to.
I think he knew WHO he was coming to.
But because he had never been to a mortal body before,
I'm not sure he totally understood the journey till he got here.
But Bradley has always had a quiet calmness all around him.
And tonight I'm understanding why.
The veil is thin for Bradley.
And he understands the eternal plan.
And this is not distressing to him, like it is for me.
He is not scared to fulfill Heavenly Father's mission for him.
He sees the beginning, middle and end, so perfectly.
And he is comforted to be with me while the angels reach around us.
And if I'm quiet enough;
and I hope enough,
while I hold him;
I think the veil thins for me too.
And I can see a very tiny glimpse into eternity with my Bradley.