Saturday, October 5, 2013

The Crown and The Conflict

There is a headstone by Bradley's grave that says,
"The Crown Without the Conflict."
The baby beneath the headstone, lived for one day.
I know that baby will wear a crown. 

But every time I see it, I think about how much conflict Bradley had.
How Bradley earned every bit of the crown that he will wear.
He suffered so much!
I am grateful I had him for more then one day.
I'm grateful his spirit filled our home.
I'm grateful he submitted his spirit to that broken body,
so that I could hold him in my arms.
I know with every particle of my body, that Bradley will wear a crown someday.
I know that he will be radiant when I see him again.
Right before we closed the casket,
I thought about pulling his body out and running away.
I wanted to hold him one more time.
But I touched his chest, and bent down to kiss him,
and I felt how cold he was, and I knew that it was only his body that was left.
This is the hard part.
The sad and treacherous, longing for him.
And tonight I realized there has to be a crown for me too.
I am enduring a conflict now.
All this time, I've been thinking about Bradley being saved.
But I think the lord will have mercy on me too.
This suffering.
This separation.
If I'm worthy, I will wear a crown someday.
He knows my sacrifice so personally.
There will be a crown for my conflict!!
I'm grateful that I learned that today.