Monday, January 28, 2013

Trust in God and Let Him Go

There is not too much of an adjustment now that we are under a home hospice care.
But I am having to deliver the news to all of Bradley's doctors and specialists.
And we are not stopping treatment. I am just letting them know.
And I've been surprised that every doctor has been feeling
 like this was the direction Bradley was going, as well.
 And today we saw the neurologist for the results of Bradley's 24 hour EEG.
She said the EEG captured 12 seizures.
And that they were all coming from the right side of Bradley's brain.
And she hugged me when I told her about hospice.
She told me that it would be okay.
And that I have done everything I could
 and that I wasn't giving up on Bradley by accepting hospice care.
I asked her how children die from seizures.
If they have one big seizure or what?
And she told me that when a brain is seizing this much that it is a sign the brain is going haywire,
and that one day the brain just simply stops controlling the body.
Breathing and other systems stop as well.
 And I shed some tears and told her I was scared.
And she told me not to fear.
She said I should trust in God and accept his will.
And we talked about Bradley being tired of his body.
And she agreed that he is probably tired of not moving or eating.
And she thinks his spirit is wanting to get out of this shell.
She said that she has Mothers who are always trying to keep their babies here,
and that it would be very selfless of me if I didn't interfere with the natural process of the regression.
And if his brain dies, would I really want him living on machines???
And she asked if I believed in God or a higher power.
And I told her I was LDS or Mormon.
And she said, "Then this will be easier for you than most."
And she hugged me several times.
And she prescribed a new medication for us to try.
To try and make Bradley more comfortable.
And my challenge now is to trust.
And to realize I have never been in control.
And to let Bradley go, when he is ready.
And I am grateful for the understanding I have of the existence of God.
And the bigger picture.
And where Bradley will go when he leaves me.
And that he is mine forever, no matter what.