Friday, June 15, 2012


On Wednesday Bradley was very, very fussy.
He'd cry even when I would hold him.
 So I propped him up;
which is becoming harder to do.
And he slept most of the day.
But he woke from his afternoon nap screaming.
And I went to pick him up to feed him and noticed a bloody watery goo coming from his ears.
I thought it was an ear infection (which explained the fussyness)
and when Tom walked through the door at 6pm,
I told him I was going to Sunrise, again.

When we got into the ER, there was a huge crowd.
I walked to the triage window and told the nurse my baby had an ear infection.
She looked through the window, into the stroller to see Bradley and saw his oxygen.
She asked if he was on oxygen at home.
I told her he was and she took us right back.
Bradley has NEVER waited in the ER waiting room. Ever.
And they took his pulse ox and the best the nurse could get was 78.

And they took us to a room.
And I told them I was here for an ear infection.
And they told me the low oxygen was a bigger problem.

While two nurses were trying to get the IV,
a familiar voice came from behind the curtain, entering the room. 
The curtain had been drawn to make the room darker for the vein light.
And I knew the voice the moment I heard it.
It was the nurse who had admitted Bradley the very first time he went to Sunrise.
And I told her I remembered her.
And she said I looked familiar.
And I told her the story.
And she suddenly remembered us and started finishing my sentences.
And she laughed and said Bradley was HUGE!
 I told her it's because he has a g-tube now.
And she told the other nurses that she was assigned to only him, because he was so critical.
I hadn't known that.

And I told her he went upstairs and almost died later that week.
And I told her about all of his conditions now.
And I told her about our lack of diagnosis.

And SHE got the IV in Bradley after the two other nurses had tried.
And as she was leaving she said that I was a good momma and that I had a special kid.
She said that when mommas of special kids bring them in,
 it's usually because the momma knows there is something wrong.
And I thought to myself, "that's because I hate to bring him here and I only come when I'm desperate"

We were admitted.
And they have started fluids, steriods, antibiotics and breathing treatments.
And the RSV is getting better.
He is back to the amount of oxygen he was on when he was healthy.
But his blood sugars are VERY high and he is requiring insulin to controll them.
And I hate leaving him there when he is having problems.
Getting on that elevator is very emotional for me.
But tonight was Tom's night.
And I needed to see my big kids.
And I'm feeling a tickle in my throat like it's my turn to be sick.
I'm going to go to bed to dream about Bradley and having him home with us.

The heart break I have felt with this child
 has been more heart break than I have ever felt in my entire life.
And sometimes it's like my soul is burning for him.
And I wonder why that is.
And I wonder if others feel it too.
Especially when they call him special.

It is like he has always been here with us.
And I know he always will be.
No matter what.