Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Books We Never Read

Long ago, when I just had Madeleine and Jacob, I collected books.
Lots of different kinds of children's books that could fill their minds with imaginations and stories.
Every birthday, that's what I would get them.
And my bookshelf grew.
And I loved to look at the books on the shelves, but I never read them to Madeleine and Jacob.
I didn't have time.
I had floors to clean and food to make.
And in the evenings, after baths, Tom would go into their rooms and read them the stories.
And Maddy and Jake loved it.
And Tom would sometimes fall asleep reading out of the books.
And Charlotte came and she filled my life with more work.
And I stopped watching TV when she stopped nursing.
And I didn't have time to sit and be with my kids.
I had stuff to do!!
And then came the boy who changed everything.
And there are nights I crawl into bed with my kids and I never want to leave.
And I smell their heads and tears well up in my eyes.
And I will read them any book they want; as many as they want.
Doesn't matter how many dishes are in the sink anymore.
And the time we spend together is so precious.
Once there was a sister in our relief society, who was having health struggles.
She had had stomach pains for a year.
And she had not been to the doctor for it.
And when she finally got in, they discovered she had stage 4 stomach cancer.
And that same week she had acquired her dead mother's things.
Among the things was a journal.
Her and her Mother had had a rocky relationship her entire life.
Her Mother had never told her she loved her.
And her Mother had passed a year earlier.
And she was hoping the journal would uncover her Mother's true feelings for her.
How much her Mother really did love her.
But instead, the pages were filled with her Mother complaining about her life.
How her children had ruined her.
And within a few weeks she was hospitalized.
And the presidency was contacted as her next of kin.
And the doctors told us we had no rights, except to know she was unconscious in the ICU.
And she had a bit of a recovery. And we went into see her and took some brothers in for a blessing.
And a few weeks later, I picked her up from the hospital and took her home to die.
But she didn't tell me that.
She didn't tell me the docs had released her, telling her they could do no more for her.
And she passed a few days after I had walked her to her door and helped her unlock the knob.
Dear Madeleine, Jacob, Charlotte, and Bradley,
I will never write a bad thing about any of you.
No matter what you do.
No matter how much I have to work for you.
You all are my whole heart.
And you each keep me going in the direction God intended.
And the work you require, is worth every minute.
I love each of you more than you will ever understand.
And the time I have with each of you are some of my most precious memories.
I wish you knew how many times I stop just to look at you.
And when each of you finally slip through my fingers and you really do leave me,
I will never fill the pits you left in my soul.
You are why I came to earth.
You are my everythings.