Maddy and Bradley's Special Day

 Maddy was quite nervous about the day before we left the house.

After we got there we made everyone wait while we snapped some pictures.

Bradley wasn't nervous at all!

Afterwards she was all clean and we took some pics in her new purple dress.

She is really quite beautiful.

And when we got home we had soups.

And we took pictures of everyone in the family for the genticist.

And it was really a special day; like I had planned.

Somethings you CAN plan!

Control

 Most mothers would like to think they are in control.

And to some degree, we are.

But when you do EVERYTHING you can to make a healthy baby,

and that's not what you get,

you realize that you were NOT in control.

And there is no amount of holding that will fix a mis-shappen head.

And nothing that I have done has made Bradley

strong enough to take his bottle more and his g-tube feeds less.

And I had no control in him only having a one day stay at the hospital for RSV,

even though the Pulmonolgist wanted to tell me I did a good job...

 

The one who IS in control, is the great creator of us all.

And he is bending and molding our lives to make us the people he wants.

The people he needs.

Some of us he's going to bend until we break, because that's what he needs.

And if we do break in the process, he has a way to fix us.

And we will be okay.

And our test is to see if we will let the creator mold us.

If we will accept his will.

If we will still love him and thank him for what he's doing.

And when he's finished with his creation, some of us are going to be pretty glorious!

And we will be glad we gave him the control.

Different

 

When Bradley was released from the hospital we were not sure

 why he had had all the issues he does.

I was in denial and didn't want to say that he may have a chromosomal syndrome.

But that's the truth.

Think of Downs Syndrome (because everyone knows it)

Bradley may have something like that.

To make a baby you need 46 chromosomes. 23 from Mom. 23 from Dad.

With Downs Syndrome there is an extra 21st chromosome.

Bradley has 46 chromosomes; so that is good.

But with his problems of aspirating milk, and his hypo parathyroid, the Doctors believe he has something wrong with one of his 46 chromosomes.

When the chromosomes hook up there are lots of possible abnormal connections that can be made. 

An example of a abnormal connection is having two sets of the

15th chromosome from Mom, but none from Dad.

This is genetics 101.

Most of us forget it from biology our sophomore year.

Because of his particular problems we have a follow up with a geneticist.

She is very busy and it will take 6-8 months to be seen by her.

And that's okay because Bradley's problems have been managed.

And he is growing.

I got my packet in the mail from the genticist yesterday.

It's 15 pages of info Dr. Morris needs to evaluate Bradley.

This is the most interesting part of all of the things that she needs.

Photos of family members.

I'm sure this is going to be an interesting journey.

I really cannot wait for a diagnosis.

Today I told Jacob that Bradley might be different when he grows up.

Jacob said "I know"

I asked "How do you know?"

He said "MOM; WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!"

Children really DO understand more than adults do.

Earth Stuff

Mothers are amazing people.

The whole world would cease to function without Mothers.

Last night I talked with my Mom on the phone.

We were talking about Bradley.

I was crying.

She was telling me how wonderful it is to have him.

That he's teaching our whole family a whole lot.

I told her I secretly don't feel this way.

That I'm worried about his future.

That I don't know if he'll ever walk or talk or be married or have a normal life.

And do you know what she said?

She told me that all the stuff I'm worried about is just his "EARTH STUFF"

She told me to stop worrying about his EARTH STUFF.

'If he is special", she said, "the EARTH STUFF doesn't matter!"

She said there is more to his life than the stuff he does on the earth.

And his ETERNAL STUFF will be okay if none of his EARTH STUFF works out.

I love my Mom ♥

RSV and Getting Fat

We had a little cold this week.

And Bradley had RSV.

He had a two day stay at the children's hospital.

It was very uneventful.

He came home on breathing treatments and now he's getting the RSV vaccine.

He gets 4 shots through out the flu season.

Each shot costs $2000.00

Thank God for insurance!

And the kids are glad he's home now.

It scared me.

I worried he would be there longer.

Because the last time I took him to the hospital he stayed for 5 1/2 weeks.

And I now know he weighs 9lbs 7oz!

AMAZING!

He is an amazing child.

He truly is.

I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE HIM.

I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE ALL OF THEM.

Today at Target, a lady told me I had my hands full.

I hear this about 95% of the time from strangers.

I only had Jacob, Charlotte, and Bradley, because Madeleine was at school.

I told the lady I had one more.

She gwaked at me, and then she asked, "Are you going to have more?"

That is such an interesting question now that Bradley is here.

He has changed me.

And while I don't know right now if I want one more;

I'm not ready to say I'm done either.

Because I CAN DO ANYTHING, and I AM A GREAT MOM!

AND ETERNITY IS FOREVER.

And a pregnancy is only 9 months.

(well not Bradley's :) 

So we will have to WAIT AND SEE :)

Future Fear

Last night we went to the temple.

A friend was going through for his first time and he asked Tom to be his Escort.

I was excited to go.

It has been too long.

I had an hour and a half before the session started; while he did his initory.

I went in and asked if they need help in the initory on the ladies side.

They had three names for me to do.

EVERY TIME I DO INITORY, I'M REMINDED OF MY OWN.

As I listened to the words of the temple workers, tears flowed.

On my day, long ago, I remember KNOWING that I WOULD bear children.

I knew that my body was a good body.

I knew that it would function like it should and that I would be a Mother someday.

And then each time I had a baby, I was reminded of that day.

The promise.

My body is miraculous.

I am so glad that I have had the experience of being a Mother.

What a beautiful blessing it is to carry your child in your tummy.

Then to bear them.

Then to raise them.

And I don't know what the future holds for ANY of them.

They all have lives ahead of them that I CANNOT plan.

And I'm having to accept that.

AND THAT IS SO HARD!
After being what I've been through with Bradley I'd really like to FEAR the future right now.


2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.


I have the POWER to overcome the fear that grips my mind and my heart.
 I really want to love and enjoy every moment of everyday with my little kids.
So I'm choosing to do so,
and as hard as it is,
I MUST!

Special Plans

Madeleine and Bradley have always had a special bond.

When he was admitted to the NICU and she wasn't allowed to visit, she had a really hard time.

When I was pregnant we said that we would be blessing the baby the same time we

baptized Madeleine because the family would all be here.

But I didn't anticipate this:

That night in the PICU, I started thinking about planning a funeral instead of a blessing.

I thought about how sad Maddy would be to bury her little brother

instead of having her special day with him.

And I knew, that if that happened, we would see him again
and that he would be all perfect and white when we did.
And that was a comfort.

After he was stabilized and moved into the NICU,

we went to the distribution center to purchase his blessing outfit.

Things were still unsure with him and

 I imagined what it would look like to lay his tiny body in a coffin,
in the outfit that I bought.  

I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THE LAST TWO MONTHS.

THIS DOES NOT FEEL LIKE MY LIFE!

And I am so grateful that NONE of those things that I imagined came true!

I'm so glad he is home safe in my bed with me now.

I'm so glad to be planning this special day for Madeleine AND Bradley.

It is going to be a BEAUTIFUL day!

Isaiah 9:2

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light:

they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.