Regression

I have been wrestling my demons today. 

My fears.

Problem is I don't know if I should fear it or not because I don't even know what Bradley has.

SUPER annoying!

I have tons of appointments right now.

It must be because the baby boy has turned one and things are progressing in a negative direction.

Appointments are very hard for me.

They are so sad.

They are also somewhat of a reality check.

The docs usually say something that makes me realize what I am dealing with.

Today it was the neurologist.

We were talking about Bradley having these oxygen problems now.

That his baseline need for oxygen has gone up.

His swallowing problems too.

And I asked if he would be able to see a regression

in Bradley's brain if he did another MRI and compared them.

He told my other children to be quiet and said,

"Having a syndrome means that there is regression!

He has a syndrome and so he WILL regress."

And I told him I have a friend with a son with a syndrome who is near typical now in his teens.

And I named that syndrome.

And he said sometimes children with that syndrome do become near typical.

But if Bradley is having these problems, we know he is not doing what her son did.

And Bradley is regressing.

And I almost cried.

But I held it together till I got out to the van.

Actually, I didn't cry until I got home.

And I stopped on the way home and got the kids lunch and took them to the water park.

And I ran with Bradley through the water until he fell asleep in my arms.

And I stopped and got them all snow cones on the way home too, because life is too short!

And I said a prayer this afternoon

and God again told me he would not heal Bradley because of Bradley's faith.
And every cell in my body understood how righteous Bradley is.

An amazing righteous being whose mortal life is slipping through my fingers.