Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Turning One

Tomorrow is the day I was planning on having Bradley a year ago.
I have always wanted a boy who was born on the 4th of July.
Reminds me of Steel Magnolias :0)
And it seemed like I was going to, because the 4th was two weeks after my original due date.
But God has a funny way of screwing up our plans sometimes.
Sometimes he has his own plan.
Shame on me for not understanding that before Bradley.

 I have had a terrible cold.
The kind of cold where when you lay down you cannot breath,
and so you breath through your mouth, which dries out your throat and starts a coughing fit.
So today, after I could not take laying down anymore, I cleaned out my closet.
It still had maternity clothes in it from last year.
I haven't worn any of them since the pregnancy, although I'm sure most of them would still fit.
And they were getting dusty along with the other smaller clothes I have not worn for 2 years.
The bar in my closet was also bending from having too many multiple sizes hanging on it.
And so I started purging.
And it felt good!
And I got to a shirt I had purchased when I was about 5 months pregnant with Bradley.
The type of shirt you buy with the intentions of wearing after the pregnancy too.
It was a bit more roomy and would have been the perfect shirt to nurse in.
And it made me emotional to see it.
Realizing my plans had never materialized and now I wanted nothing to do with the shirt.
I tore it off the hanger and shoved it in the bag
and told Tom that this was becoming more emotional than I had imagined.
I looked to the top shelf of the closet which has my book on breastfeeding,
my slings, my baby things that help with nursing and I wasn't sure what to do.
I grabbed them at first thinking I would throw them out, and then I suddenly didn't want to.
And for a moment I understood hoarders.

I talked with a close friend tonight about her life changes and some of the crap she is going through.
We both laughed when I said "Maybe we are at the age when crap starts happening to us."
Both of us admire each other for being able to handle what we have been dealt.
Although sometimes I worry I am not strong enough.

And I know in the end all will be made right.
That is what gets me through!
No matter what more happens to Bradley and I.
We will have it made up to us one day.
I know it!